House Arrest
by roxypony
Summary: Why the Avengers can't have nice things. UPDATED: happy birthday, Fury! They're bringing the party to you.
1. The Cheetos

So, this is a story I wrote back in January, obviously long before Avengers came out. I posted it in the Thor archive and it got pretty popular. But now Avengers is out to the public and I'm rebooting the story to make it more movie-compatible and better in general.

This is the prologue, and the only chapter that didn't/doesn't have to be edited. I have 5 chapters to edit and post, then the rest of the story will continue from scratch.

Please note this is **WILDLY** AU.

Enjoy :)

* * *

**_the cheetos_**

* * *

_**3:41 pm, Saturday**_

The magnanimous Stark mansion had seen many things throughout its years. Big things and small things, important things, and those that were not-so-much. Some_ freaky-ass_ things, a few truly odd things, and even the occasional _downright disturbing _thing. Of all the possible _things _that could happen in the universe, there were very _few _of them that had _not _occurred in the House of Stark at least _once_, at some point or another.

But on one profoundly average Saturday afternoon -partly cloudy, 18 degrees, wind out of the west- a certain vastly exorbitant Malibu beach house (more specifically, the living room of aforementioned house) became the location of _the thing._ You know, the thing that's on the absolute bottom of anyone's list of _Stuff That Will Likely Happen. _The last thing that anyone would ever _ever_ expect to occur.

In the middle of the room sat a coffee table. On the coffee table sat a bowl of Cheetos. Parallel to the coffee table was a very small couch, something of a loveseat. Crammed onto this (rather uncomfortable) seating arrangement was a set of three rather imposing figures: the Man of Iron, the God of Thunder, and the Captain of America. Each decked out in full battle armour and wearing expressions of indignance (in the case of a certain Tony Stark) utter befuddlement (referring to one Thor Odinson) and apprehensive vigilance (regarding Mr. Steven Rogers.)

The three most powerful men in the world were gawking uncertainly across the room, blatantly ignoring the crisp bowl of Cheetos (which had been placed there by a hopeful Pepper Potts, no doubt an effort to break the overwhelming tension in the room.) The object of their interest (i.e., abhorrence) was sitting alone on the largest couch in the room, directly on middle cushion as though he'd done the math to find the _exact_ centre point. Slender body leaned back comfortably, emerald eyes observing his companions with equal attentiveness, complacent expression belying the fact that he was no more comfortable with the arrangements than the boy-band known as the Avengers were.

It's more or less true that each new day brings unlimited possibilities, with a million-plus-one different potential endings. Being who they were, Avengers were no stranger to the bizzare, the random, and the utterly _insane_, but no one had anticipated such an ordinary weekend ending with the God of Mischief (aka Midgard's Most Wanted) sitting on Tony Stark's living room couch.

So how exactly had the world's most awkward faceoff-over-Cheetos come to pass?

It started with a phone call.

* * *

If you really want more, you can go read House Arrest: the original. Just keep in mind it was all written long before the movie was ever seen. I'll try to have chapter 2 up as soon as possible, that one will require more editing than the rest because it sets up the entire situation.

Please review. If you're a reader of the original House Arrest story and already reviewed it over there, I'd still love to hear your suggestions on what I should add to this now that the movie is out :)

RXP


	2. Forcible Detainment

Chapter 2! I actually didn't end up editing it as extensively as I thought I'd have to, because everything seemed right. Although there are several minor improvements :)

Thanks to the humungous load of people who've subbed and faved, I literally had alerts popping into my inbox every 5 minutes. Yay :) But what really gets me going is reviews ;) thanks **kioku7, Keeper-of-the-Cheese, lax28, ****candy butterfly **and **JannaKalderash.. - **go read her review, it's kind of awesome. Like even as I'm putting the final touches on this AN, I'm still getting alerts. Stay online till I get this posted! xD

If this is round 2 for you, hope version 2.0 makes you smile a little more than the first time :) and if this is your first time reading, I hope you stick around!

_**ASSEMBLE!**_

* * *

_**forcible detainment**_

* * *

_**The Previous Day…**_

Not even a week had elapsed since the battle.

The Avengers themselves had escaped in one piece for the most part; the odd cut or bruise to be had, but nothing that had held any of them back from getting gloriously intoxicated the night after (Steve excepted, of course). And the night after that, and the night after that in a succession of celebrations that each rivalled a Stark birthday bash (Tony also discovered that Shwarma was the ultimate hangover cure). Thor and Steve had basically been hibernating in the Stark mansion (the one in Malibu) ever since, having taken up residence in two of Tony's abundant spare rooms. They spent the majority of their time sampling whatever junk food was to be had (Thor), testing -and somehow further complicating- every bit of 21st century technology that was to be found (Steve).

Clint and Natasha had disembarked to complete some minor reconnaissance mission for SHIELD. And Bruce had more or less come to inhabit the Helicarrier's lab.

The post-battle week had been an interesting one, that was for sure. But a week like that is one of those times that are fun while they last, but not something you want to live every day. Even if your mansion is Stark-worthy, cabin fever is inevitable. The holiday was over; it was time to disband. Tony had things to do, people to see, and stuff to manufacture. (And he missed having his house in a state of relative peace that simply wasn't available with a technologically dysfunctional supersoldier and socially challenged Norse god running around.) Steve was all set to do some more part-time S.H.I.E.L.D. work under Fury's supervision while he got used to how things worked 21st century in the hopes that he could someday replicate a semi-normal life for himself. And Thor was getting ready to head home to Asgard, most likely to smash some more stuff, drink a bit (i.e., a _bunch_), brag to his friends, and generally do Thor-type activities. Everyone was ready to get on with their lives.

The night before Steve and Thor planned to leave… Nick Fury called; _AVENGERS (re)ASSEMBLE!_ _Emergency meeting on the Helicarrier, we're landing off the coast of SoCal, I'll text you the coordinates, attendance mandatory, and yes Tony that means you too, and no I don't care that _The Good Wife_ is marathoning onTV, and don't you dare grumble, I know you have TiVo, so you all need to fly your asses over here NOW. Don't make me come over there! _

The trio of superboys obliged (with much grumbling from Tony) and loaded up the Stark jet. They plunked their butts down in Fury's office on the Helicarrier at 10:17 pm. And the briefing began.

It turned out the newly-apprehended Loki was not taking well to life in SHIELD's absolute-maximum-times-a-billion-security prison. Or perhaps absolute-maximum-times-a-billion-security prison was not taking well to Loki, by the sounds of it. He was under supervision 25 hours a day by the most highly trained professionals on the planet - he regularly made them cry. He was confined in the most high-tech containment unit the world had to offer - he turned the walls green for his own entertainment. The world's finest physiologic analysts had been flown in from every corner of the globe - they didn't know what to make of him. The only reason he hadn't escaped was a combination of sheer luck, Loki's inherent amusement at terrorizing his guards, and the fact that his powers had been depleted with the destruction of his spear. Oh, and Odin had seen the entire debacle and being unimpressed with his adopted son's actions, blocked him from leaving Earth through any means so that he was more or less grounded. This had been ascertained when Thor tried to dispatch him through a wormhole but he simply bounced back. Therefore, banishment/deportation wasn't an option. And seeing as he was immortal and all, neither was the electric chair. That left only one option - forcible detainment.

"Anyway," Fury had said. "This brings us to our current dilemma..."

As it turned out, Loki was being 'fired' from jail. As in, _they just couldn't take him anymore. They were at their wits' ends. 7 guards in 3 days had gone on (paid) stress leave. They were under-equipped to handle a meglo-manical immortal. _That sort of thing.

"Don't look at us." Tony had snorted with great irascibility. "We defeated the guy once, that was enough. He's national security's problem now."

Ever the honourable one, Steve shot him a reproachful glare. Meanwhile, Thor tried to puzzle out where exactly Fury was going with this. All along he'd had a sneaking suspicion that the Midgardian government would ultimately fail in their attempt to detain his brother, but he thought they'd at least last longer than a week…

Nick had cast his irritable one-sided gaze over the collection of men sitting in front of him, seemingly waiting for them to do the math. When they apparently didn't, he dropped the bomb rather bluntly.

"Avengers, you have a new mission. SHIELD is officially releasing the subject into your custody. Tomorrow, the subject will be transported to the facility the three of you are currently using as a home base, where he -and yourselves- will remain until further notice. You are to use whatever means necessary to keep him contained and ensure he is unable to pose further harm to society."

Following that was a moment of shocked silence, as each of them internalized the task that had just been charged with. Naturally, Tony had been the first to speak up.

"Okay, I get what you're saying here, but this is a see Mr. Fury, the _facility_ we are currently using as our home base,_ just happens to be my actual home. _Like, where I live. As in, where I eat, sleep, and occasionally-"

At that point he was cut off by a Fury launching into a lecture pertaining to the fact that Malibu mansion or not, the Avengers remained the only force on Earth that was capable of containing such a highly dangerous public menace as Loki (or 'the subject' as to which he was referred) and just because the battle had been won does not mean that they (_they_ meaning _Tony_) could immediately return to life as they knew it. It was all in the fine print of the documents they'd been signing for the past few days. Like it or not, their duty was far from over. And in this particular case, 'duty' involved Thor's sociopathic little brother moving into his trillion-dollar beach house.

To no one's surprise, Tony threw something that resembled a hissy fit, kicked his chair over, punched a stack of official-looking documents, and attempted to climb over the table to strangle the living shit out of Mr. Fury. Thor and Steve had exchanged a sidelong glance, then calmly pulled a violently cussing Tony off of Nick and pushed him back into his chair. While the genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist was too angry to form a coherent sentence, Fury went on to explain how SHIELD officials had already been dispatched to the Stark mansion shortly to update and re-equip whatever security measures were in place, as well as add a few new ones to the mix. Once they were satisfied that the house was as secure as possible, 'the subject' would immediately be transferred.

"I have a full-time _job_, in case you weren't aware. I don't have time to babysit the God of freaking Mischief, and I can't run my business from my house. Trust me, I've tried." Tony had insisted with great determination.

"I'm certain your fellow Avengers will be more than a match for the subject when you are unavailable, Mr. Stark."

"With all due respect Sir, they can't even figure out the microwave. No offence, guys."

"The box of microscopic waves is force to be reckoned with." Thor contributed. Steve nodded in assent.

"What about the others? Last time I checked, Clint, Bruce, and Nat signed all the same legal crap we did. And I don't see you locking up a convicted supervillain in _their _houses." Tony sulked.

"They have other business to attend to. I can't stick all my Avengers on the same subject now, can I? You three have the physical capabilities necessary to subdue the subject if the need arises -"

"Were you at the same battle we were? We have a _Hulk._" Tony growled.

"Believe it or not, Stark, I have considered this. He's more useful to us as Bruce than Hulk. For now, we need him in the labs. And and in the cases of Mr. Rogers and Mr. Odinson, I understand you have a bit of free time on your hands. " Fury shot back. "Now, is there anything else before I kick your asses out of my office?"

"Uhm… I think we're all set, thank you." said Steve politely as he and Thor grabbed Tony securely by the arms in case he decided to re-launch his physical assault against the one-eyed SHIELD. official.

"The subject will arrive at the Stark Mansion at approximately noon tomorrow. I will see you all then. Good evening, gentlemen." Fury dismissed.

"Mr. Furry; before we retreat back to the palace of Stark, I do have a final concern." Thor spoke up.

"It's _Fury, _Thor. Just _Fury. _Not _Furry. _We've been through this." Tony scolded through gritted teeth.

"That is what I said! Furry." Thor replied obliviously. Tony face palmed as best he could with Steve steering him firmly out the door. "Sir, I hope you do not think me rude, but I fear you are tragically mis-pronouncing my brother's name."

"Is that so?" Furry/Fury replied tiredly.

"Yes, you see… I am unsure as to why, but you pronounce it something like '_the subject_' whereas his name is quite simply, _Loki_." Thor explained earnestly.

"Fair enough." said Nick, appearing slightly disconcerted at Thor's pointed correction. "Very well, then. _Loki_ will be escorted to Mr. Stark's home at 12 pm tomorrow. Until then, my dear Avengers."

"Wait!" Tony interrupted, firmly grasping the edges of the doorframe as he was forcibly removed from the room by his comrades. "Are you _completely_ sure this arrangement is the absolute _best _solution you guys can come up with? You're SHIELD for chrissakes!"

"If you really want to know, Mr. Stark, plan B involved the three of you taking up permanent residence at the secure detainment facility 500 feet under ground, rather than the other way around. I'm sure you understand why I didn't feel the need to present this as an option to you. Unless you have an affinity for the prison lifestyle that I'm not aware of?"

"Um, _yeah _thanks but no 'll be all, Nick."

Fury pretended he didn't hear Tony's subsequent mutter of _"Asshole!" _as he exited.

###

Once a severely sulky Tony Stark had been placated with a trip to Burger King, the golden trio made fast tracks back to the mansion. As Fury promised, they were greeted by an army of SHIELD officials, technicians, analysts, scientists, etc., all of whom were on task to transform the lavish living establishment into a maximum-security holding area, like a twisted parody of baby-proofing one's house. There were lasers on every door and window frame, programmed to detect only Loki's DNA (But how they'd gotten ahold of his DNA in the first place? That was anybody's guess). There were almost-invisibly-tiny security cameras in absolutely every corner, each sending live feed to all of the Avengers' cellular devices, able to be viewed at will. There was even (Thor found this utterly hilarious) a trip-wire in place that would drop a net on someone who tried to exit through the fire escape. Every single bit of security technology on the entire planet had seemingly been implemented somewhere in this house, to Tony's absolute horror. JARVIS was even less pleased, continuously complaining about the high amounts of unfamiliar signals and radial interference until he apparently had a mental (could you call it that?) breakdown and shut off completely. Coffee in hand, Tony set about reprogramming his friend and resolved to make Fury suffer for this. It was going to be a long night.

Meanwhile, Steve dutifully educated himself about how the new systems worked until the technicians threatened to drop a net on him if he didn't cease curiously touching everything that sported a blinking light. Thor mowed through yet another box of PopTarts, not quite sure what to make of this situation. Of course he missed the days when he and Loki lived under the same roof, but that was childhood. _That_ Thor and Loki had been two very different individuals than the ones due to be reunited in 12 hours' time. Thor was an Avenger now, and Loki… well, he was pretty much as opposite as one could get. They weren't merely brothers anymore, they were captor and prisoner. And Thor wasn't entirely sure he liked that notion. So he opened another box of PopTarts, deeply in thought…

Halfway through the box, his face lit up as though he'd eaten a lightbulb. Then he sprinted out to the massive deck overlooking the ocean, and proceeded to holler something about a 'handle', or at least that's what it sounded like.

"What the…?" Steve muttered, observing his friend's antics through the plate-glass window.

"Beats the hell outta me." Tony shrugged irritably, settling down into the spot on the couch Thor had just vacated and turning up the bass on his remote-controlled stereo to drown out Thor's racket.

"Did you fix JARVIS?" the supersoldier inquired kindly.

"Yeah, I had to program him to override about 30 different types of frequencies, and block the goddamn SHIELD server from accessing his database, but I think he'll live."

"Ah, those darn _frequencies_." Steve replied knowingly, sipping his mocha.

"You didn't understand a single word I just said." Tony smirked.

"That's a false statement. I understood, _Yeah, _and _I think he'll live_." the blonde retorted.

"Remind me to introduce you to DUM-E sometime."

"What's that supposed to -"

"My friends! I have most excellent news!" Thor's thundering tone echoed once again across the house as he gallumphed back across the deck towards the house - where he met an unfortunate fate with the sliding screen door.

"_Bah! _Damn the semi-invisible miniature net for attempting to defeat the Son of Odin! Friend Stark, why have you deemed this a necessary addition to your portal to the out-of-doors? I hope you are not under the delusion that it is a security feature for it does absolutely nothing to defend your palace against intruders." the god ranted vehemently as he extracted himself from the screen by shredding it to bits.

"It's a screen, Thor." Tony sighed with exasperation. "It keeps the fresh air in and the wild animals out."

"Yet Thor managed to get in anyway." Pepper commented dryly.

"Lady Potts, what are you implying?" Thor demanded indignantly as he shed the last of the screen.

"Back to your 'most excellent news'. Why were you hollering about handles just now?" Steve interrupted.

"Yeah, I didn't think you'd started drinking yet." Tony mumbled.

"My dearest family and friends shall be assisting us in our newest challenge! And it is not _handle, _Friend Rogers, but rather _Heimdall._ The all-seeing gatekeeper of my home, Asgard. He controls access to and from the Nine Realms with the Bifrost. I exchanged words with him just now, he has informed the mighty Odin Allfather of our current Midgardian predicament, and my father has offered to grace us with his assistance by placing ancient magic protection around these walls! And In the unlikely event that my brother is to evade this house and wander the Earth at large, noble Heimdall will locate him immediately and tell me of his whereabouts. You see, my friends, tis' a most foolproof strategy!" Thor finished, beaming like a child on Christmas at his own cleverness.

Tony and Steve stared back, slack jawed with confusion and considerably less enthused.

"21st century technology is looking pretty straightforward now, huh?" Tony muttered.

"You're not kidding." Steve sighed.

"Pepper, could I get a refill? Triple shot of espresso please." Tony inquired, holding his Iron Man-printed mug aloft. "And Thor, buddy, you're gonna have to repeat that. In English this time if you don't mind. God, this is officially the longest night of my life and _that_ my friends, is saying something."

"I don't doubt that, Tony. Thor, you said your father is placing magic protection on the house? Do explain." Steve questioned uncertainly.

"Explain what you mean by explain? I know not how I can further clarify myself." Thor scratched his head.

"What we mean is, how the hell is your dad gonna do …whatever he's gonna do… from wherever the hell he is? Isn't Ass-Guard-"

"_Asgard_, Friend Stark. My home is called _Asgard._"

"That's what I said, Ass-Guard. Isn't that on the other side of the universe, or something?"

"The Allfather's power has no limit." Thor replied, stubbornly crossing his (very buff) arms.

"And what exactly is he planning on doing to my house?" Tony shot back, crossing his own (notably smaller) arms and determinedly staring his immortal friend down.

"Of that, I am uncertain."

"Hmm. I see. Now Thor, you know I trust you with my life, but I am simply not comfortable with-"

At that moment, there was a blinding-mind-blowing-skeletion-exposing-eyeball-debilitating flash of white light - not outside, but right there in the living room - and an accompanying roll of thunder that was nearly enough to render someone permanently deaf. Stricken with shock and panic, Steve immediately sought shelter beneath the coffee table while Tony practically jumped into Pepper's arms, effectively spilling the mug of hot coffee she'd just re-emerged with. Following the flash, the power went out and the House of Stark was plunged into pitch blackness. There was a moment of ringing silence where just about everyone feared they'd gone both blind and deaf, until the backup generator kicked in and the house came back to life to reveal Steve curled up under the coffee table. Tony and Pepper entangled on the floor in a pool of spilled coffee. And Thor staring down at Mjolnir which was glowing slightly and smoking.

"To answer your previous conundrum, Friend Stark, the Allfather did so lend us help by channeling energy through Mjolnir. Once Loki enters this house, he will be unable to leave unless I escort him with Odin's will. I doubt even my brother will be able to outwit the Allfather's power."

"And _why_, Thor, why on Earth, or Ass-Guard, or wherever, is your father doing this?" a very shaken Tony grumbled, climbing to his feet and looking disdainfully down at his coffee-soaked front.

"Because he has declared my dearest brother is to be… ah, what is the Midgardian term? Oh yes, _grounded._"

"So his dad doesn't want him any more than we do." Tony summarized bluntly. Thor found himself glaring at this comment, although he wasn't sure why.

"I'm sure this won't last forever." Steve interjected in a calming tone. "We'll talk to Fury again, figure something else out. There has to be another way to do this."

"Yeah. Short of moving to the damned prison." Tony snorted.

"Indeed, I highly doubt these glorified popped tarts are available in such a location." Thor contributed.

"They won't be available in _any _location if you keep going through them at this rate!" Pepper quipped, confiscating the box Thor had just picked up.

"That's all we need, Thor demolishing the nation's supply of PopTarts. With our luck, Fury would make us open and run a PopTart factory to make up for it." Tony speculated bitterly.

"Okay crabby, sounds like it's somebody's bedtime." Pepper informed him with a strikingly maternal demeanour. "Good God, it's 3:40 am!"

"Can't, mommy. I'm busy_._" Tony contradicted in an exaggerated whine. "But in all seriousness, we're gonna need some more coffee in here, like _asap_."

###

Unbeknownst to the Avengers, Pepper switched the coffee maker to decaf so in no time at all, three sleepy superheroes slowly dropped like flies until the only audible noise was occasional beep, buzz, or hum from the various gadgets of the house. And Thor's sonorous snores. The SHIELD technicians had long since completed their work and vacated the premises.

The scene in the living room was so pitifully endearing that Pepper just had to snap a photo: Tony was curled up on the couch, resembling a big grumpy baby. Steve had passed out sitting upright in a chair at an angle that probably wasn't doing his back any favours. Thor was stretched across the small loveseat which was shorter than he was; his face and feet were hanging off either end.

At 6:30 am, Tony awoke. The realization that he was on the couch, coupled with a mild feeling of sleep deprivation led to his first instinct being that he'd been partying last night. Still mostly-asleep, he began to tiptoe off into the direction of the kitchen for a snack. Until he tripped over Thor, who had apparently rolled onto the floor at some point during his slumber. There was a some very loud and violent speculation over _"who _dared_ to kick the Son of Odin?"_ until the god recognized his 'attacker' as his dear friend. Then he dropped Mjolnir, flashed his dazzling grin and wished Tony a good morning and a prosperous day.

It goes with out saying that Tony was now fully awake, and had remembered that last night had _not _been a party, it had been more like preparing for war because in about 5 and a half hours, the most volatile criminal in the world would be moving in _to his actual effing HOME. _As in drinking from his cups, using his bathroom, watching his TV, and eating his food. Oh lord, his poor _food… _He seriously hoped not all immortals consumed as much as Thor, because feeding two of him (plus a supersoldier) could potentially cause financial strain on even the most established billionaire. Not to mention that the mere thought of having another Thor generally _being _in the house was causing him some extreme discomfort.

By the time 11:50 am rolled around, the three-man army had each geared up as though preparing for the Armageddon. Tony was undeniably the most edgy of the three, he'd triple-checked that his suit functions (more specifically, his guns) were in perfect order and had drawn up an executive list of revised house rules, to be put into place immediately. Thor and Steve were considerably less flustered, likely because it wasn't _their _trillion-dollar beach house that was in transition to be a maximum security penitentiary. Although there was an alarming incident where Steve tried to step out through the fire escape for some fresh air… and forgot about the trip-wire. He was promptly scooped up in the net amidst the obnoxious sirens and flashing lights provided by the alarm system.

Tony and Pepper found him in the doorway, hanging upside-down and too shellshocked to blink. Pepper could not locate the release switch, and Tony deduced that the netting was not cut-able by the titanium blade built into the hand of his IronMan suit, and he couldn't use any of his various laser guns to cut the rope without causing damage to Steve or to the very expensive doorframe.

"Don't worry Steve, we'll get you down. _Probably_ before Fury gets here." Pepper soothed the inadvertently captured soldier whilst gently patting his forehead. Steve himself was currently incapable of speech, due to the way his face was mashed against the bottom of the net.

"Where the hell is Thor when you need him? And didn't SHIELD leave a damn instruction manual along with their junk?" Tony lamented, sawing away at the thick, pliable fibreglass strands. They'd need some god-grade power for this one. "THOR, GET IN HERE."

However, the immortal in question was currently lounging in Tony's spacious upstairs bathroom. He'd just sampled every hair product he could find under the sink, and was now amusing himself with the hair dryer. Such fun he'd never known! Who would have thought the humans could confine the power of the wind into a handheld device? For a moment, he dared to hope that if Loki hadn't entirely lost his sense of humour, maybe he'd be willing to join his brother in the investigation of the inexplicably entertaining human customs… The god of thunder then lost that particular thought as he looked into the room across the hall and spied something that intrigued him greatly, which he had only seen used on several occasions. It was a small square-ish thing, roughly the size of Mjolnir. It was connected to the wall via a long white rope-thing, and emitted a high heat. Pepper would take various items of clothing and lay them on a perplexing collapsing table (not the same sort of table they ate meals on, mind you ), then run the device over them until they were satisfactorily flattened. It was beyond Thor why the humans took pains to ensure their clothes were flat before putting them on, but the device caught his attention nonetheless.

He casually set the hair dryer down (naturally he neglected to turn it off) and wandered across the hall to attend to the heated-garment-flattener. He was learned enough in matters of technology to know that almost everything came with an 'on' button. He located this immediately, but beyond that he was entirely stumped. No matter, it seemed the device was heating up quite nicely on its own. He then lifted one side of his cape and draped it over the table with some difficulty, as it was still attached to his shoulders. Finally, he picked up the heated-garment-flattener and set it down on the crimson fabric. And then he waited for something to happen. Surely it would indicate when it was finished. The washer of eating utensils, the box of microscopic waves, and the thing that made the bread vanish only to be replaced with toast, those all produced a birdlike sound to inform the user when they had completed their work. Surely this device would be no different… Pfffft, _technologically challenged_ indeed… he'd show Tony just how adaptable he really was!

Meanwhile, SHIELD's net-trap system was proving a far greater challenge than anyone could have anticipated. The damnable net was apparently indestructible, and Tony couldn't deploy his laser saw without slicing Steve in half. JARVIS was currently researching SHIELD security, hoping to find something relevant to the situation at hand, but was having no such luck. Tony was livid that he, of all people, was stumped by a government-issue home security system. One so primal it involved a _net_, for eff's sakes.

"Well JARVIS, you can get started on a formal letter telling them where they can shove this-"

"Fury and his guys are coming up the driveway right now." Pepper noted, checking the security camera feed on her phone.

_"Mmmphbllllsssfff!"_ said Steve.

"I wouldn't want Fury to see me like that either." Tony replied. "But look on the bright side, buddy. Living proof that SHIELD has completely screwed us over! Maybe you'll get compensation for this. Yeah, definitely demand compensation. You can borrow my lawyer and-"

"FRIEND STARK! LADY POTTS! I AM IN DIRE NEED OF ASSISTANCE! I FEAR I HAVE MADE A GRAVE ERROR IN JUDGEMENT!"

"Oh, _god_…" Pepper murmured

"Incoming." Tony commented in a mock warning tone.

Thor came careening around the corner as fast as his legs could carry him, wearing an expression of panic. The reason was quite apparent.

"Thor, your cape's on fire."

"I AM AWARE OF THAT, FRIEND STARK."

"Time to shine, DUM-E!" Tony hollered. Almost instantly, the glitchy fire-extinguisher-happy robot scooted out from the direction of the kitchen and locked on target. Unfortunately, Thor and DUM-E had never been acquainted, so the god mistook the appliance for an enemy and bolted in the other direction. Fearing the mental image of his entire house burning down, Tony tackled Thor football-style and held him down long enough for DUM-E to hit him with a good blast.

"WHAT IS THIS SUBSTANCE?" Thor wailed apathetically, spitting out a wad of fire-extinguisher-stuff. "It appears to be the frosted coating on the cakes-in-cups yet it tastes like toxic waste! What IS this Midgardian trick - OH ODIN, HALF OF MY CAPE HAS BEEN TURNED TO ASH!"

"Um, _yeah_. Wanna enlighten us on that one?" Tony growled, releasing the god but remaining lying on the floor himself, feeling incredibly defeated.

"Thor, I swear to God, if you touched my new hair straightener…" Pepper began threateningly, advancing on him and holding her pen like a weapon. Before the guilty-looking god could fumble through an explanation, there was a shrill buzz that indicated an incoming visitor.

###

Nick Fury knew very well that Tony Stark was none too pleased with this arrangement, and quite frankly he didn't blame him. But eccentricities aside, Stark was a highly sophisticated man who had the emotional maturity and intellect to handle almost any situation that could be thrown at him. Rogers was a bit stunted in understanding of the world, but he had a huge heart, courage to boot, and the determination to thrive in the face of adversary. Thor was _severely _stunted in his understanding of the world, so much so that Rogers looked like Steve Jobs in comparison. But there was also his physical capability and never-say-die attitude. Yes, Fury was confident that the three of them together could overcome absolutely anything. He was feeling pretty darn good about this decision.

Then he walked through the door. There was a moment of stunned silence, then:

_"What the hell are you boys up to?"_

It looked like there'd been a war between a giant tub of Betty Crocker cake icing, and a flamethrower. There were scorch marks everywhere and clumps of white goop clung to every available surface. The IronMan suit (presumably containing Stark) was lying face-down in a pool of the feet away, Thor was sitting down with his back against the wall, cradling a charred piece of red fabric and looking on the verge of tears. Ms. Potts was repeatedly bashing her forehead against her clipboard, cursing the Avengers. There was even one of Starks robot-things casually cruising around, making little chirps that sounded vaguely concerned. But where was the Captain? Oh, found him too. Hanging upside down.

_"Welcome to the Stark residence." _piped up JARVIS in a tone that Nick could have sworn was sarcasm.

Fury just stood in the doorway and took it all in. No one even seemed to notice he'd arrived. Shocked, horrified, and awestruck at the same time. His team of specialized SHIELD S.W.A.T. guys slowly filed in behind him, escorting the subject- ahem, _Loki. _

Like a shadow, the god of mischief silently edged over to the shellshocked Fury and patted his broad shoulder good-naturedly as he too observed the disaster zone.

"What is it you were saying on our way over here?" the ebony-haired master of chaos inquired lightly. "Ah, I remember." He purposely deepened his voice in a perfect imitation of a confident Nicholas Fury: "'_Yeah. My boys got this._' They certainly do 'got this', Nicholas. They most certainly do."

* * *

Yay for you if you're still here!

A few notes to leave you withL

1. The mention of Tony's favourite show "The Good Wife" and Thor's manner of speech were both inspired by **AvengersShouldntText** , the most amazingly delightful Tumblr blog I have ever had the fortune of stumbling across. If you love to laugh your guts out, look them up. You'll spend the happiest hour of your life reading the whole thing. PS, look me up while you're at it. Link to my blog on my profile, loves :)

2. POV's will be swapping around a fair bit, because it's fun to see a situation from a few different sides.

3. This will be a collection of little adventures with no real plot. Well, maybe. It has to go _somewhere, _I suppose. I've gotten a lot of inspiration from my very favourite fics I've been reading on here, and there's lots of oh-my-god-they're-all-living-together stories, so I decided to put my own spin on it with the Loki-under-house-arrest concept xD

4. I'm not gonna be doing any major shipping here. I know Thor/Loki, Tony/Loki, Tony/Steve, and Clint/Nat are pretty popular but that just ain't my thing. Romance, IDGAF. But if it's your thing, you're welcome to read along and interpret the the bits o' fluff however you wish :)

5. I sincerely apologize if you are offended by any language I use, although this IS a T-rated story. I am personally not bothered by it (being a gifted pottymouth) and I mean, there's actual S-bombs dropped in the IronMan movies so I don't particularly feel like I'm violating the fandom or anything. But if you don't appreciate it, Tony will have JARVIS break into your computer and block out the offending words so you can read in peace. We just want everyone to be happy here.

6. I spent the entire Thor movie (first time watching) thinking they were saying "Handle" instead of "Heimdall". That's where that came from.

7. I decided to set it in Starky's Malibu homeland at least for now, because I think there's a lot of possibilities for fun there ;) plus I like beaches. So there.

Expect chapter 3 tomorrow!

And for the love of everything, JUST REVIEW. Subs and faves are great but they don't motivate me as much as a some good old-fashioned actual WORDS. Just sayin'. Talk to me!

RXP


	3. Strictly Prohibited

WOAH I am overwhelmed by all your kind words and the sheer volume of alerts that were in my inbox this morning :) I'm going to try my hardest to reply each of you individually at the first possibly opportunity.

A few people mentioned OOCness and character exaggeration, yes that will appear in mass quantities. This is NOT meant to be a serious or ultra-canon story. It's just for shits and giggles. However I will be staying out of the realms of crack. Probably.

Also, the rest of the Avengers WILL get their own time in the spotlight, don't worry. When I wrote the first version of this I was only familiar with the main 3, but now that I've been around the block with the movie and such, I won't be neglecting anyone.

This one didn't actually require any editing from the first version. But if you spot any typos, please do point them out.

Enjoy!

* * *

**_strictly prohibited_**

* * *

He hadn't moved.

After walking in and making himself comfortable on the biggest couch he could see, he simply. Didn't. Budge.

He just sat there, for _hours, _and watched the Avengers watch him, waiting on edge for any signal that might indicate malicious intent. Thor (disliking standing for long periods of time) soon sat down observe his brother at eye-level. Loki's expression was unreadable, but from the moment he stepped through the door, he had not exhibited any sort of expression that looked even remotely like recognition, let alone affection. The first time he made eye contact with Thor, the darker sibling's eyes narrowed suspiciously for a moment, but nothing beyond that. Thor felt a slight chill run down his spine, this was _it. _Whatever bond they'd previously shared was dead and gone.

_He really looks like he hates me. I think he hates me. _Thor realized. Ouch. There had been animosity between them for so long now, but he'd never _really _given up hope until he saw the coldness in his brother's eyes just now. Where there had once been friendship, love, and acceptance was now icy indifference as if they'd never been brothers at all. And that was not a good feeling _at all_, so Thor put on his war face, nibbled a PopTart, and tried to force himself not to care.

###

_I know he hates me. That face says it all. _Loki pondered as he leaned backwards into the luxuriously soft couch cushions. Thor had always been fiercely loyal, even as a child. Loki bitterly recalled the day his naively confident big brother cheerfully informed him they would be side-by-side for the rest of their days. _Brothers till the death, I promise._ Of course dear old Thor was as loyal as ever, only nowadays his loyalties had switched to his little band of superfriends. _Tell me, brother. Does that even _count_ as loyalty? Because in my opinion, switching sides entirely defeats the purpose, _surmised the icily eloquent and dominant side of Loki's mind. But deep in the darkest corner of his soul, an insignificant little childlike part he'd almost forgot he had, whispered _…but you promised. _

The trickster assumed an expression of indifference to mirror Thor's. _I don't have a damn to give about you. You're nothing to me. _All emotion banished from his body, he wordlessly did what he did best. He _lied._

###

"So he didn't come with instructions, like, at all?" Tony broke the silence in a whisper directed at Thor and Steve, who were piled onto the seat on either side of him. "I mean, what are we supposed to _do _with him? Snack time? Arts and crafts? Naps? Isn't that what babysitters do?"

"Stark. I can hear you." Loki commented patiently. "And snack time would be lovely, thank you."

"I was afraid of that." Tony muttered under his breath. "JARVIS, tell the kitchen staff we're gonna need a steak, a tub of Ben & Jerry's, a bag of nachos in that godawful orangey flavour, and about seven boxes of PopTarts in here."

"_Pardon?" _the new guest intoned with incredulity.

"That's what Thor has for a snack. I know how you gods like to eat people out of house and home." Tony shrugged testily. Loki stared back at him the way an exasperated preschool teacher looks down at a child who's been picking their nose.

"Oh dear, Anthony… Do I look like Thor to you? Mr. JARVIS sir, do tell the kitchen staff that I could really go for a plate of fresh Atlantic lobster with a side of garden salad. And some light balsamic vinegar dressing. On the side, if you don't mind."

"Trust me, you do not want salad." Thor interjected stiffly. "I feel obliged to warn you, 'salad' is merely the Midgardian term for a bowl of leaves. Very inedible."

"Gosh, really Thor? _Really?_ I had no idea." Loki rolled his eyes.

"I fool you not."

"Does anyone else wish to place a food order at this time?" JARVIS inquired in his polished British accent.

"Extra-large pizza, stuffed crust, double cheese, triple pepperoni, quadruple bacon..." Thor began eagerly. "Hmm… what am I missing?"

"Why don't you save time and complication, and simply request all the toppings? You wouldn't want to miss out on enjoying one of your favourite toppings because you forgot to mention it." Loki suggested lightly.

"What does that mean?" Thor rumbled suspiciously, searching his brother's face for signs of malice. He looked utterly sincere, but then again, he always did.

"It means you will be blessed with a bounty of meat enough to satisfy your wildest dreams." the smaller god replied innocently.

"I accept." Thor returned immediately. "Friend JARVIS, I require an extra large pizza… with _all the toppings._ Odin's Eye, that _was _considerably easier!"

"Your request has been sent to the kitchen. Expect your 'everything pizza' within twenty minutes." said JARVIS.

Steve ordered a good ol' All-American hot dog. Tony requested four shots of whiskey.

"Oh, none for me, thanks." Steve piped up.

"They're all for me." the billionaire glared.

"Tony! We've been through this!" Pepper protested. "Whiskey isn't supper. Sorry, JARVIS, he _meant_ to say he wants a steak, crispy fries, and chocolate milk. Hold the alcohol."

"Is that true, Sir?" JARVIS affirmed.

"I… Yeah. Go for it, Jarv. My mistake." For a moment, it looked suspiciously like Tony was hiding a smile.

###

20 minutes later, everyone had made their way to long bar-style table located in one of the several dining rooms. This particular room had a tropical theme. Tony generally reserved it for his more upbeat parties, but he'd been known to use it when he was in a crappy mood. And today was as crappy a day as any, so there they were.

"These strange circular thrones… Friend Stark, are you quite sure this is safe?" Thor inquired, cautiously hoisting himself up onto one of the bar stools standing by the table.

"Yeah, they're fine unless-"

"I… what… WHY IS IT SPINNING? STOP THIS! THE SON OF ODIN DEMANDS YOU CEASE SPINNING IMMEDIATELY!" Thor freaked, as he discovered the surprising intensity of spinning seats on the stools.

"- unless you do that." Tony finished flatly. "Cap, rescue the man."

Steve reached for Thor in an attempt to steady him, but one of the god's flailing fists unfortunately struck the soldier directly in the nose, and he shot backwards and landed unceremoniously on the floor. Thor spun faster and faster propelled by his frantically waving limbs, loudly begging for assistance.

"Oh, this won't end well." Tony noted apprehensively, maintaining a safe distance.

"Thor. Stop moving." Loki ordered boredly.

"HOW WILL THAT HELP ME DEFEAT THIS SWIRLING VORTEX OF DEATH?"

"_Because,_ the fact that you're flapping your arms and kicking your legs -aside from looking like you're having a seizure- is causing an increase in your momentum, which is causing you to spin faster and faster."

"OH MY ODIN, IS THIS A MIDGARDIAN VARIATION OF THE BIFROST? AM I TO BE TRANSPORTED TO ANOTHER REALM?"

"Thor,_ no. _Just. Hold. Still."

"THIS IS ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR TRICKS! YOU BEWITCHED THIS CIRCULAR THRONE AND NOW YOU'RE TRYING TO SEND ME TO TO MY DEATH IN JOTUNHEIM!"

"Wow. Just… _wow. _I don't even want to know how you came to that conclusion." Loki replied conversationally. "_You have to trust me. _Stop. MOVING!"

Thor obeyed. And the seat stopped spinning As in, just _stopped _as suddenly as if it had been nailed down. Thor however did not. Carried by that darn momentum, he promptly fell off. Steve and Tony applauded.

"What… just… happened… ?" Thor groaned apathetically, staring up at his brother.

"I _did _tell you to _slowly _stop moving, didn't I? I didn't? I'm so sorry. Sorry you didn't know that suddenly locking your arms like that would cause you to immediately fly off balance and kiss the floor. You just learned your first physics lesson. Congratulations." Loki informed him seriously. Thor opened and closed his mouth like a dying fish, trying to figure it out.

"Pizza's ready, pal." Tony added sympathetically. Surely food (large food at that) would distract the god from the trauma and humiliation he'd just suffered. Household appliances did _not _treat him well. Thor got up, ran out of the room, and came back a minute later - carrying one of Tony's sturdiest armchairs.

"I see you're not taking any chances." Steve observed as he rubbed his sore nose (which miraculously didn't seem to be fractured).

"The circular spinning-seated long-legged thrones are _not _to be trusted." Thor huffed, setting his chair as far away from his brother as possible whilst shooting him undisguised looks of distrust. Loki rolled his emerald eyes and began neatly nibbling away at his salad.

"There ya go, buddy." said Tony, sliding the pizza box (sporting the Stark Industries logo) down the table in Thor's direction.

"Ah, thank the AllFather!" Thor gasped dramatically, flipping the box open. Then his comrades watched as his face instantly morphed from triumph to confusion to shock to horror.

"Problem?" Loki asked innocently. The larger (and blonder) of the two brothers affixed him with a murderous death stare, then snarled a battlecry so loud and violent it set off the security system. Thor went lurching across the table holding Mjolnir aloft, but Loki ducked beneath aforementioned table at the last possible second, and Thor fell to the ground amidst a clatter of stools. Damn those stools.

"Oh. I see the problem." Tony remarked, glancing at the pizza. Along with Thor's requested double cheese/quadruple-every-kind-of-meat-known-to-man… was a conglomeration of anchovies, green peppers, mushrooms, avocado, calamari, and pineapple slices. All together, these formed the most atrocious-looking pizza anyone had ever seen. Clearly nothing like whatever Thor had been anticipating.

"What _is _this?" Steve pondered, picking up a slice and examining it.

"I believe that is the 'everything pizza'… just like Thor ordered." Loki smirked, popping up from beneath the table, right between Steve and Tony.

"You _knew_." Thor whimpered, staring at his brother with a deeply wounded expression. "You knew my pizza would be defiled with…with… _I don't even know substance this is!" _ He picked up an anchovy and held it at arm's length, trying to puzzle out what it was.

"Is it _my _fault you do not know the definition of '_everything pizza' _?" Loki replied balefully.

"But… I… you… _aaaarrrrggghhh!_" Thor moaned, still in shock. "…there are _vegetables _on my _food_!"

"And octopusses." Tony added.

"Octo_pi_." Loki corrected.

Tony spared him a glare and continued dissecting the offensive pizza. "And I'm pretty sure that looks like raw fish. God knows what any of this was doing in my kitchen."

"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?" Thor demanded.

"Far from it!" Loki replied, looking highly affronted. "Your diet could greatly benefit from the addition of - _don't you walk away when I'm trying to help you!_"

Thor promptly exited the room at a high speed, looking remarkably sulky. An awkward silence was left in his wake.

"Was it something I said?" Loki wondered, wearing a mask of earnest sincerity.

"Uhm… it's become clear to me that Thor has a pretty good idea of what he thinks his diet should and shouldn't consist of." Steve explained politely.

"If _Pepper _couldn't convince him to eat vegetables, trust me - it's impossible." Tony contributed. "And I can't guarantee your safety if you continue to try."

For some reason, the god of mischief seemed to find inordinate humour in this statement. When he finally ceased giggling, he proceeded to carefully pick the calamari off of Thor's abandoned pizza - and happily chowed down.

Tony and Steve decided they'd best track Thor down before he did anything drastic, like causing an internationally devastating thunderstorm or raiding the PopTart factory. With a bit of help from the security camera system, they located him in a basement storage room, sitting on a freezer and scooping Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream into his mouth, straight out of the tub.

"Hey buddy!" Tony cautiously addressed the immortal in a tone a babysitter might use with a child on the brink of a temper tantrum.

"Gweetings, fwiend Shtark." a very dejected-looking Thor slurred through a monstrous mouthful of chocolate chips.

"Tony, is he drunk?" Steve inquired in an undertone.

"No, but that much ice cream can be way more dangerous. I know from experience… wait, never mind. In my case, it was soaked in tequila-" (Steve's expression got stuck halfway between awe and revulsion at this point) " -and I don't think Thor's mastered the art of advanced mixing yet. But still, we should probably make sure he doesn't finish that whole thing."

While Steve tried to puzzle out why on earth someone would partner ice cream with tequila, Tony cautiously approached Thor and daringly endeavoured to pry the container out of his hands. Luckily for Tony's health and safety, Thor wasn't in a violent mood and begrudgingly handed over the ice cream.

"So… how ya doin, big guy?" Tony continued in the same patronizing tone. Thor grumbled indecipherably in response.

"Listen, Thor. Loki sent us in to tell you how _awfully _sorry he is for ruining your day twice in five minutes, and-"

"You are not skilled in the art of lying, Friend Stark. My brother made no such apology and has no intention of doing so."

"Fine. So what if he's laughing his ass off and eating the free extra-large pizza he just sniped off you while you're reduced to shovelling ice cream after losing to a bar stool?" Tony consoled, sitting down beside his friend and taking a scoop of ice cream for himself. "_He's_ the one who's technically in jail right now, while _we _are international heroes, gentlemen. Remember that."

"Hear, hear." Steve grinned, also taking a seat and a spoon to serve himself some Ben & Jerry's.

"Mmhm." Thor agreed halfheartedly, although not looking terribly convinced.

The trio sat quietly on the freezer for several minutes, chomping ice cream in peace.

Eventually, the Cap applied a little bit of actual brainpower to the situation.

"Okay. Correct me if I'm wrong, guys, but _Loki's _supposed to be the one under house arrest, right?"

"Uh, _yeah. _I think we just established that. Only I'm pretty sure it's not technically house arrest, seeing as it's MY house." Tony affirmed.

"Right. So why are _we _the ones huddled in the basement?"

"…"

"Fury will _pay _for this."

###

"Not that I care, but what do you think?" Tony inquired fake-pleasantly as Loki scoped out his new room. It was one of the spare bedrooms, strategically located between Steve's and Thor's. It was larger than the average guest room (as was everything in the Stark mansion), and featured a fireplace, a mini fridge, a private bathroom suite, and an ocean view.

"Passable." the god replied after several moments of thoughtful silence. _Not like I'll be here for much longer._

"See that? It is a cold-food-containing-box which Midgardians use to contain food which is to be eaten cold, and to preserve the longevity of meat products. That one is _yours. _Therefore, DO. NOT. TOUCH. MINE." Thor rumbled possessively, having not yet forgiven his brother's most recent crimes against him.

"I have no desire to rob your refrigerator of its beef jerky supply, Thor." Loki replied wholeheartedly, cautiously sitting down on his new bed. Its colour scheme was a flashy crimson red, his absolute _least _preferred shade. He'd need sunglasses just to get to sleep, _ugh. _He resolved to magically change the colour when no one was looking. _Double-ugh, _was that seriously a _SpiderMan _pillow case? He decided he could not exit this facility fast enough.

"So, is the three of you lurking around me going to be a _permanent _arrangement?" the trickster snarked peevishly at Tony, Steve, and Thor who were hanging out awkwardly in the doorway, as though waiting for Loki to attack. _At least they'd taken off their costumes. _

"Not as long as you behave." the one known as 'Cap' answered.

"If you could be so kind as to enlighten me on what consists of 'behaving' I would be more than pleased to do so." Loki drawled in return.

"Here. House rules. 10 commandments." Tony added, handing Loki his list. _"_Follow these, and we can co-exist without anyone getting hurt. _Except maybe Fury."_ he added in a rueful undertone. Loki unrolled the list and proceeded to thoughtfully inspect it.

_**Stark Residence House Rules: A 10-step Guideline**_

_**1) JARVIS**_

_JARVIS is my masterpiece. JARVIS is all around you. JARVIS sees everything. JARVIS is more intelligent than most of the humans I know. JARVIS requires utter respect at all times. Improper use/abuse of JARVIS is strictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of all life from your body. _

_**2) FOOD**_

_You are legally authorized to eat as much as you need to remain in a healthy state. Because starving of prisoners constitutes mistreatment, and I hate filling out U.N. paperwork. However, do refrain from use of the oven or other high-heat-emitting devices without Midgardian supervision. Please note hoarding/re-selling of food is strictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of life from your body._

_**Last-minute edit: Don't screw with Thor's food, man. Just don't. Seriously. Not fun for anyone. **_

_**3) PROPER ATTIRE**_

_Regardless of whatever you viral Youtube videos featuring myself you may have seen, clothing is NOT optional in this facility. Nudity outside of your private living quarters is strictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of life from your body, __**after **__you put on pants._

_**4) TELEVISION **_

_Television is a privilege, not a right. Just because I can afford unlimited pay-per-view movies, does not necessarily mean I WANT to. View responsibly, and don't fuck up my satellite. Losing my remotes, making my flat screens explode, and watching _My Little Pony_ are ALL strictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of life from your body._

_**5) TRANSPORTATION**_

_Happy is strictly prohibited from giving you rides anywhere. So don't ask. Additionally, touching any of my vehicles will result in the forcible removal of life from your body. You're on house arrest, bro. You're not going anywhere. I apologize for the inconvenience. But not really._

_**6) PETS**_

_Strictly prohibited. Violation will result in the forcible removal of life from your body._

_**Last-minute edit: THOR, STEVEN - THIS APPLIES TO YOU TOO. (Thor don't you dare give me that look.)**_

_**7) INTERNET**_

_Any and all of your internet exploits will be monitored via JARVIS. If suspicious activity is reported, your privileges will be revoked. Please note that attempting to hack or otherwise re-program JARVIS or any other computer-controlled function of this house is strictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of life from your body._

_**8) PROPERTY**_

_If it's labelled 'Property of Stark Industries' , you'd do better not to touch it. Screwing up my work stuff is strictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of life from your body. If my experimental work doesn't kill you first. Needless to say, my private jet is not available for 'field trips' under any circumstances. _

_**9) FACILITY**_

_There are rooms in my house that are off limits under ALL circumstances. JARVIS controls the access to and from these zones, respect it. Damage to doors and walls (explosion or otherwise) is strictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of life from your body. Also, please no running with sharp objects. That's a liability issue and I really do hate paperwork._

_**10) POWERS**_

_Forget you ever had 'em. Causing fires with your mind, bringing inanimate objects to life, turning humans into animals (refer to Rule #6), and altering your own form for deceitful purposes are all strictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of life from your body._

Loki browsed the list for several minutes, smirking occasionally. Which Tony found deeply unsettling. Finally, the dark-haired immortal looked up.

"Well then. May I _breathe _without you forcibly removing the life from my body?"

"Breathing is acceptable." Tony confirmed. "As long as you don't waste my oxygen."

"What a relief." Loki rolled his luminous eyes sarcastically. "Could you define what constitutes as _waste?_"

Tony assumed a remarkably serious expression and opened his mouth, presumably to launch into a tirade featuring the _exact _description of the definition of wasting oxygen. Fortunately for everyone involved, Pepper intervened:

"_Really_ Tony, nobody wants to listen to you talk for 3 hours. I'm sure Mr. Laufeyson can figure out how to properly use his designated oxygen supply."

"Dear, you can call me Loki." the master of chaos replied amicably.

Tony turned the same shade of red as his IronMan armour, and probably would have forcibly removed the life from Loki's body right then and there had Thor and Steve not grabbed him firmly by the arms and escorted him off to bed.

"There's a toothbrush for you in the bathroom. Have a pleasant sleep." Pepper informed Loki before gently shutting the heavy door and following her wayward trio of superboys, leaving the trickster alone in the dark.

* * *

The stool adventure and the pizza manipulation were inspired by real life events.

REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!

RXP


	4. Stolen Lonely Relic

It's a Loki chapter :)

This one isn't LOLFUNNY like the others, but it IS necessary for the character development that has to happen here. So suck it up. There will be mostly giggles from here on out.

* * *

_**stolen lonely relic**_

* * *

The nice thing (or, the irritating thing in Loki's case) about the Stark mansion was that the rooms -the guest rooms, anyway- were designed and built to be completely soundproof. Most presumably a comfort feature, Loki figured. Or _privacy_, might be a more appropriate term for all the _inappropriate_ things that had most likely taken place within these walls. And on these beds. As in the one Loki was sitting on.

_Joy._

But let's be serious here. Loki had no plans to stick around. The 4 days he'd spent in that laughable excuse for a high-secury penitentiary had been his holiday. He could have broken out the very second he'd developed the inclination. But teasing the guards had been ever so fun, he'd stuck it out for a couple days. And _damn_, were they ever easy to manipulate. Naturally they'd passed him over to the very people who wanted him the least. And he'd done his job before he'd even walked through the front door - just _look_ at the chaos they'd caused themselves just in anticipation of his arrival! It was so pathetically easy, causing them any more grief would quite frankly be a waste of precious talent. Not to mention these Iron Man blankets were the most ghastly colour known to man. The exact shade of Thor's cape, brightness amplified by about 1000 percent. Ick.

Yeah, Loki _out_.

That's where the soundproof walls were causing some annoyance. (Despite his impeccably perceptive ears, honed from centuries of eavesdropping.) He had no way of knowing whether or not everyone else had retreated off to bed, leaving him free to escape. He had to guess. He hated guessing.

The god sat in the darkness, calmly watching the digital touch-screen clock as the lime green digits ticked away the minutes till 2:00 am, the time he'd silently decided would be his departure. Where he'd go from here, he was uncertain. Maybe the other side of the universe, that should be far enough from Thor and his posse of super-righteous do-gooders who all regarded him as less than dirt. Like he hadn't had enough of that in his childhood in Asgard. The Avengers were an earthly version of the Warriors Three, it was really that simple. Thor was undeniably a magnet for fellow warmongering jocks, no matter what realm he was in.

Loki could officially cross Earth off his list of _places to potentially call home_. Right under the first two X's: Asgard and Jotunheim. Well, the universe was a pretty big place. There had to be _somewhere_ where nobody hated him.

2:00. _Go time._ Now, he wasn't stupid. _Far from it, as you well know._ They had the place rigged with every security device known to man. They were invisible for now, but once he located them, he'd break them like he broke the prison. It was only a matter of time. _You can't contain the Trickster. But kudos for trying._

He slowly stood up and strode noiselessly over to the door. First glance revealed it to be… just a door. It didn't appear to be rigged in any way, but he braced himself for an alarm or an electric shock or a bucket of water dumped on his head, or some other dumb humanly thing. Gods forbid he end up like the adorably naive star-spangled blond man, hanging upside down in a net like an animal. (Had Fury not pointed out the emergency switch, he'd still be up there.) Anyway, back to his mission. He cautiously extended his hand and set it on the elegant door handle. The security system did not resist. Cool. He shifted the handle a millimetre downwards…

_"You are not authorized to exit this area." _JARVIS suddenly spoke up, quite loudly. Loki would like to say he _didn't _yelp and jump a foot into the air, but that would be a flat-out lie. _Ahem._

"Ex_cuse_ me?" he replied indignantly, once he regained his dignity.

"You are excused. Have a pleasant evening." JARVIS returned politely.

Not to be deterred, Loki attempted to turn the handle again. The door was firmly locked. Loki cursed violently.

"I _told_ you." JARVIS commented rather boredly.

"_Silence!_" the Silver Tongue snapped in a rare display of frustration.

"Only Mr. Stark has access to my mute functon." JARVIS informed him. _The smart-ass. _

Loki didn't care to answer. He was busily weighing his options, of which there were many. He'd never met a lock which he couldn't convince to open with a good shot of trademark trickster magic... hmm, that was odd. He couldn't detect any sort of mechanism. This must be one of those Midgardian electric contraptions. Technologically inclined as he was (compared to Thor, anyway) his power didn't react well with electricity. Hmph, no matter. He wasn't out of options yet. (Although he was momentarily tempted to pull a Thor, so to speak, and abandon himself to yelling furiously, violently cranking the unyielding handle, and quite possibly kicking down the door. But such an uncouth attack was _much_ farther down his list of sensible solutions to imprisonment.)

The only question now was what what sort of insect to transform into. The tiny crack between the bottom of the door and the smooth hardwood floor had just enough space for a little something to slip through...something like one of those little picnic-ruiners which Thor so detested (hmm, how _appropriate._). An ant would do nicely.

Loki closed his eyes and gently summoned his powers, preparing to downshift until he was at eye-level with the dust bunnies.

_Odd._

His silent command to his body went seemingly unheard. He didn't feel any trace of the tingling rush that rushed through his bones when he shapeshifted. Didn't feel his flesh and muscles twisting, melting, and reforming. And when he opened his luminous emerald eyes, all they saw was the same wide, unfriendly room staring back at him. In the same proportions.

Like the logical, sensible deity he was, he calmly dismissed the instinctual flash of panic that jolted him. His powers weren't _gone_, because that would be nothing short of _absurd_. They had been in fine working order that morning. (He had the contents of the prison vending machine to prove it - a parting gift to himself.) No. Weakened as they were, they were certainly not gone. Shame on him for even jumping to such a conclusion. _Focus, Loki._

He directed his energy back towards the door handle. Screw sensibility, his fuse had officially run out. He was going to take a page out of Thor's book and just blast the damned thing apart. This was no time to be his usual tidy self. He steeled himself with the utmost concentration, and... nothing. Not even a spark. He could swear the handle was _laughing _at him.

Gripped by foreboding, he wheeled around to face the window behind his bed. With as much restraint as inhumanly possible, he calmly attempted to vanish the glass. For one wildly hopeful moment, he thought he'd succeeded. But when he extended a pale hand, he realized with dismay that the glass was still very much impassible.

_"What's happening to me?"_ he voiced in a shivery whisper, audible only to himself. (JARVIS apparently had the good sense to mind his own business.)

The fact that his voice was shaking was more than a little disconcerting. He was a god, a _god._ His ever-repressed temper flared; this wasn't happening. And he was going to prove it by _blasting the ever-loving shit out of this entire room_, then walking straight outta here. Maybe that was more Thor's style than his own, but even the Master of Chaos has to run out of patience sometimes.

_Ready, aim, fire._

And..

Nothing.

_Nothingnothingnothing - no - nonono -what's happening - what happened to me - what have they done to me - I can't - why - WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?_

He couldn't hold the panic back, it broke the barriers of his inner sanctuary like a flood obliterating a dam. His power was gone. His strength, his protection, his _identity_ - gone. Taken. _Stolen._ But _how_?

It couldn't have been the work of SHIELD. They couldn't stop him before; they had no effect on him now. Thor! It had to be Thor. _It was always Thor._ Only a god can control a god. But... for all his strength, Thor couldn't just_ take_ Loki's power away. He was mighty, yes. But he wasn't _almighty_.

_Father._

Yes. It could only be Odin. He should have known, should have suspected Thor would involve father somehow. He'd always had a tendency to go running off to daddy when faced with a task he couldn't quite wrap his head (or hammer) around. Rather intelligent of him, Loki supposed begrudgingly. Clearly he had the presence of mind to realize that all the superheroes in the world couldn't keep the trickster contained in one place, on Midgard no less. So he'd called in the cavalry. And Odin was surely all too delighted to heap down that much extra punishment onto his _stolen relic_.

After minutes of staring bleakly at the moon and trying to collect his very rampant thoughts, Loki slowly sunk back down onto the bed (_the_ bed, not _his_ bed.) and pressed his palms against his forehead. He'd never been physically powerful in the manner that Thor was, but he'd been gifted in his own right. He'd never known true weakness. There was no clever trick or cunning deceit to get him out of this. For the first time in his life, he was well and truly defeated.

Then something utterly strange occurred to him; was this how Thor had felt upon his banishment? Like his very skin had been peeled away and his every vulnerability was exposed for the cold cruel world to strip away at will? Had his brother felt so terribly betrayed? So… _alone_?

Trapped in his own thoughts as much as in this unwelcoming room, Loki curled into a fetal position on his side and stared out the window at the resplendent reflection of the moon on the vast expanse of ocean, until the tauntingly warm dawn light melted silver into red.

* * *

Poor baby...

Nothing is better than opening my inbox and watching the alerts flood in while my laptop makes its happy Mac dinging sound xD I love you all! Keep it coming! XO!

Also if you're a Tumbr-er, come find me! I go by roxy-rockstar on there. Twitter too, I'm shinierthanth0u. I always crave more people to talk Avengers with :) come say hi.

RXP


	5. Chinese McTaco

_**CAN I JUST SAY, HOLY FUCKING 70 REVIEWS IN 4 CHAPTERS OVER 2 DAYS? UMM PARDON ME? I HUG YOU NOW, KTHXBYE.**_

* * *

Here's my favourite chapter so far :) it's also the longest, so wootness for that.

This one's going out to my 70th reviewer; SunnyBubbles whose review I received literally 5 minutes before posting this; I feel so honoured she elected to read my Avengers rambling rather than finish her homework :) thanks dear!

But I'm completely in love with each and every one of you equally, your support is amazing! And to the person who asked, it was indeed me who experienced the spinning barstool disaster. xD if anyone else has questions, I'd be more than happy to field them all ;) I also say this hesitantly, but I _will _accept requests, although I can't promise I'll use them. My brain is so picky...

And big thanks to my beloved Keeper-of-the-Cheese who pointed out that there are no Dunkin Donuts shops in Tony's SoCal paradise... so I've swapped them for Starbucks. And if you don't have those either, then my understanding of American culture is completely backwards. Hey, here in Canada we all just run onTim Hortons' coffee xD.

Oh, and thank you thank you to the couple of folks who've pointed my typos so far. I type fast and sometimes carelessly so they happen a lot, unfortunately. I can honestly say that my grammar and spelling are 100% solid, so any errors will be due to carelessness rather than ignorance. I'm a crappy proofreader... what can I say, I'm just so eager to share my crazy Avengers with the world ;)

Without further ado, onwards to Day 1 in the crazy house!

* * *

_**Chinese McTaco**_

* * *

Contrary to popular belief, Tony Stark does _not _run on batteries. True, his Arc Reactor keeps him in a state of living, but what do you think keeps _that_ running?

Unless you guessed _caffeine, _you are sadly mistaken.

Today, more than ever, a quadruple-espresso-shot was necessary to keep him functioning at a passable level since he'd gotten absolute _zero _sleep last night, fearing that his house would spontaneously combust at any given second. And naturally, staying home to catch up on his beauty sleep was not an option today, for today was time to face his inevitable return from work now that his brief 'holiday' was over. His schedule was fraught with board meetings, press conferences, and everything in between - each of the non-re-schedulable nature, even for the likes of Tony Stark. _Ugh. _Combine that with the stressful knowledge that there was a trio of highly powerful beings unsupervised in his trillion-dollar mansion… he'd be surprised is he didn't have himself a coronary by the end of the day. Thor and Steve were both well-intentioned of course, and more than a match for Loki, but they weren't exactly _wise _to the ways of the 21st century.

Take right now for example.

The loud and sudden emergence of a strawberry PopTart from the toaster sent Thor into a state of panic during which he shrieked horribly, stumbled backwards into the granite island in the middle of the kitchen and then fell down in a tangle of stools. (Stools, as you can see, are _not _Thor's friend.)

"Thor, we've been _over this, and over this, and over this." _Pepper chided in exasperation. "That happens _every time _you make PopTarts. That's why they're called _PopTarts._ They _POP. _There's nothing to be afraid of."

"I am not _afraid._" Thor grumbled abashedly, slowly standing up. "Even the most fearless warrior can be _startled_ by his prey."

"Yeah well. When the prey gets the better of you 8 times in a row, we start to worry." Steve contributed kindly, passing Thor his PopTart on a little plate.

"I assure you, the bread-roasting-box is possessed by demonic spirits." Thor insisted. "Consider this, Friend Rogers. When it takes a slice of bread into its inner chambers, and provides us with toast in exchange, where does the bread go?"

"We've established this. Toast IS bread." Pepper sighed, returning the stools to their upright position and then taking a seat beside Tony, who was tinkering with one of his computer screens.

"Hmmph, _toast is bread_. And I am the goddess of fertility." Thor snorted inelegantly.

"Why couldn't it be _you_ guys assigned to live in my house and screw with my shit? I mean, at the very least you understand _toast_." Tony whined mock-dramatically to his screen on which was running Skype window. Clint Barton, Bruce Banner, and Natasha Romanoff were grinning at him from within the screen. Clint and Nat had returned to Headquarters late the previous night, and were now in the process of catching up with their teammates.

"Because we're not legally classified as _homeless, _unlike some." Nat snickered.

"So my house is hobo central. Great." Tony quipped. "Like SHIELD can't afford to relocate them somewhere else."

"Like _you_ can't afford to relocate them somewhere else." Clint chirped.

"Who's getting relocated?" Steve demanded out of nowhere, appearing beside Tony.

"What is this?" Thor joined in loudly. "The Man of Fur has given us no such permissions to change our location."

"Tony's deporting you to Madagascar. Get packing." Natasha informed Thor seriously.

"_What?_" Steve gasped, looking positively heartbroken. "You're actually deporting us? What about the mission?"

"The moving picture known as _Madagascar_ was most entertaining, but I do not wish to make a home there. Talking animals are the product of dark sorcery." Thor crossed his arms stubbornly. Meanwhile, Steve looked on the verge of an emotional breakdown.

"Next time one of you makes a mean joke, it'll be you coming over here to wipe their tears." Tony snarked at Tasha, Clint, and Bruce who were giggling hopelessly at Thor and Steve's dejected expressions. "Keep it together, guys. I'm not deporting you… yet. But Thor, man, your toaster privileges will be revoked if you keep this up. You're upsetting JARVIS."

"So... We get to remain in the House of Stark?" Thor replied with a hopeful grin.

"That is what I said." Tony returned with an attempt at a friendly smile that looked more like a grimace.

"I _almost_ fell for that one." Steve mumbled reproachfully.

"Sorry." Bruce spoke up.

"Yeah, sorry you're pathetically gullible." Natasha rolled her eyes.

Just then, Thor noticed his fellow Avengers in the screen and just about lost his mind in shock.

"How have you become trapped within the strange glowing screen? Fear not, I shall free you immediately!" the god vowed fiercely, reaching for Mjolnir.

"NO!" the other 5 Avengers plus Pepper bellowed in unison.

"Thor, we've explained Skype, several times. Remember using it to talk to the International Security Council back at HQ last month?" Clint reminded him gently.

"We never met those people in actual life! I assumed they lived within the glowing screens." Thor responded disconcertedly.

"I promise, we're not actually _in_ the screen. We're safe and sound at HQ." Bruce added.

Thor blinked several times, then commented,

"My head, it pounds in a most painful manner."

"He's been having a rough day. The toaster attacked him again." Pepper empathized sarcastically.

"How are things at HQ?" Steve asked politely. Truthfully, he was equally disturbed that his friends were appearing inside the screen, but unlike Thor he simply went along with it. Not much surprised him these days.

"Oh, you know. Same old." Bruce shrugged.

"Coulson received his shipment of uncut extended SuperNanny DVDs last week and we haven't seen him since." Tasha added.

Clint contributed a mischievous giggle. "Yeah, I swear he secretly wants to - OH MY GOD WAS THAT LOKI? GUYS, LOKI ESCAPED! LOKI'S IN YOUR HOUSE! DON'T PANIC. HANG ON, WE'RE COMING! AVENGERS ASSEMBLE! GO GO GO GO!"

Having just walked across the frame, Loki boredly flipped his middle finger in the direction of the webcam as he stalked over to the fridge.

"LOKI'S WHERE?" Thor yelped in panic, then remembered. "Oh…"

"Um, _yeah_. Guess jolly ol' Saint Nick hasn't briefed you on our newest little mission. Well, you're looking at the new face of maximum security." Tony grunted distastefully.

"_Pardon?_" Natasha inquired flatly.

"Guess who got fired from prison." said Steve.

"They were all incompetent. One would think specially trained guards with six-figure salaries accustomed to serial killers, grand theft masters, and infant murderers would be more than up for a little bit of harmless _fun_. " Loki spat, walking back across the frame, this time holding a bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice.

"So that's what I'm dealing with." Tony concluded with his trademark casual manner. "Fury literally dumped him on our doorstep last night."

"I walked in on my own power, thank you very much. There was no _dumping _involved. Mr. Stark, I strongly recommend you study up on proper usage of the term _literally_. You mortals abuse it shamelessly." Loki chipped in icily as he sat down at the head of the table.

"Woah, woah, WOAH. Let me get this straight. The god of mischief is living in your house? Your actual house?" Clint demanded in shock and slight awe.

"Like, eating your food, drinking from your cups, sitting on your couch, using your bathroom, _living in your house?_" Natasha added with revulsion.

"It gets worse. Fury turned my house into a testing facility for every inch of SHIELD home security technology ever invented. Poor JARVIS had a nervous breakdown and you know how stoic he is. Fury's punishing me for something. There can't be any other reason." Tony muttered pensively, scraping his palm across his face tiredly. _Eff's sakes,_ the poor man just wanted to _sleep. _

"Maybe he's _rewarding _you." Loki commented cryptically, munching his cereal.

"Although that would make all kinds of sense seeing as the man basically owes me his life as well as the rest of the world's, I fail to see how I have been rewarded in any way shape or form." the Man of Iron shot back. "I should be - wait a second here." He swung around on his stool so that he was facing the kitchen table. He willed his blood pressure not to rise, although he wasn't sure it heeded him. In a tone of false calmness, he forced out: "You sir, are in my spot."

"I am." Loki replied. It was unclear whether this was a comment or a question.

"You are."

"I see."

"Are you going to get out of my spot?"

"Any particular reason why I should do so?"

"Well, let's see here… Not like you need a reason seeing as you're a felon and it's my house and all, but maybe 'cause it's _my spot_."

"You are already seated at that oddly placed countertop. You have no need for this chair."

"Irrelevant. It's my spot. Get out of it."

"I am comfortable."

"I don't care if your butt is _welded _to that chair, I order you to vacate it immediately!"

"Mr. Stark, I have a proposition for you: _no._"

_"PEPPER, MAKE HIM GET OUT OF MY SPOT!" _At this point it would be safe to say that Tony slightly lost it.

"Is this for real?" Tasha inquired with abject pity as the other Avengers listened to the argument as though it was an mildly entertaining TV show.

"I hope not." Steve sighed placidly, sipping on his chocolate milk.

"Tony, isn't it time for you to go to work?" Pepper scolded maternally.

"I'm not going anywhere till he's out of my spot!" the genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist argued furiously. Pepper sighed. Was she eternally doomed to be the babysitter? Sure looked like it from here. She got up and walked over to the table, where she then took a seat diagonally from Loki and affixed him with her patented mediator stare, perfected from years of keeping Tony in line.

"Now Loki, I really think everyone would be a lot happier if you switched spots. I know you really like this chair, but I _promise_ the other ones are just as comfortable."

"I have no doubt they are, I simply prefer where this one is placed." the trickster answered patiently.

"Mmhm, the head of the table is a nice spot. That's why Tony likes it so much. But think about it, do you _really_ want to _share _something that _Tony_ thinks is good? Because you know what that would mean?"

"Continue, mortal." Loki insisted after a pause.

"That you two have something in common." Pepper concluded earnestly, glancing casually up at the green-eyed immortal.

The god of mischief evacuated the chair so fast it may well have been on fire. He snatched up his breakfast and retreated to the opposite end of the table where he sat with a remarkably irascible expression. And that was that.

"Okay Tony, I can personally guarantee he won't touch your spot ever again. Now get moving, you're already late. You know how the board hates waiting for you."

"Really, well they're _incredibly _good at it." Tony smirked.

"Most likely because they are incredibly _used _to it." JARVIS spoke up suddenly, (causing Thor to flinch and look around suspiciously for the source of the voice, as he always did when JARVIS spoke.) "Sir, I would additionally like to inform you that your ride is ready and waiting for you in the front driveway."

"Great, remind Happy we'll be making our usual Monday morning stop at Starbucks" I will be taking my caffeine supply intravenously today." Tony replied, pulling a wrinkled tie out of his back pocket and donning it in a manner that was as half-assed as he could possibly muster.

"I already did, Sir. Mr. Hogan has refused, stating you're late enough as it is and he already has a coffee waiting for you. Also, Starbucks does not yet offer a caffeinated I.V. treatment. I checked."

"Sarcasm, Jarv. Damn. I hate car coffee. You'd think stuff coming from an automatic espresso machine built into the back of my Audi limo would taste better than wet dirt, wouldn't you? Well just for the record, it doesn't." Tony grouched.

"As if you need any more caffeine." Pepper and Steve shot back in perfect synchronization, observing the large mug on the table he'd recently emptied.

"I have yet to understand the mortal fascination with the hot brown liquid." Thor added in a surprisingly prim tone, turning his nose up.

"I am partial to dark roast, myself. It is an acquired taste." Loki contributed with an in-case-anyone-cares glance around the room.

Tony affixed his companions with an almost desperate expression.

"I'll be back before 6. Please don't kill my house."

"_Kill house_. Challenge accepted." Loki smirked sarcastically, then giggled devilishly as Tony's face went pale.

"Follow the 10 Stark Commandments. All of you. I'll be checking in via JARVIS every hour, and if anything goes wrong, I'll know. _I'm watching you._" he finished with an attempt at a menacing expression which looked more like he was on the verge of having a stroke.

"Fear not, Friend Stark." said Thor merrily through a mouthful of bacon. "The Captain and I shall see to it that your house is kept intact, and we will feast mightily upon your triumphant return from the place known as _work_."

"We'd better get going too." Clint spoke up. "We're not technically authorized to be Skyping during working hours."

"Yeah. Fury might yell at me. I don't like when he yells at me." said Bruce meekly. Natasha rolled her eyes at him.

"Oooh. We've got a badass over here." Loki teased, causing Clint to flinch at the sound of his voice.

"Remind me never to visit you again. I've had enough of that guy to last the rest of my life." the master marksman grumbled.

"Wimp." said Nat, gently punching Clint in the arm. "Seriously. Just call if you need backup, boys. We'll be there. Or at least _I _will…"

"Avengers, disassemble!" Bruce concluded, providing a hi-five through the screen. Steve, Tony, then Thor ruefully returned the gesture. (Thor hi-fived a little harder than necessary, and the screen flickered ominously while making a crackling sound.) All the while, Loki had listened to the conversation with an utterly entertained expression, the way a teenager might observe a wacky children's show. The Skype window closed, and Tony and Pepper got up and made for the door.

"Remember. Daddy's watching. Behave." IronMan finalized, pointing two fingers at his eyeballs and then at his friends, universal sign language for I'm Watching You.

"Have a good day, boys. Remember, no fighting and no using the oven. You know where the snacks are. Just don't have too much sugar or you won't be able to eat your supper. And Steve, _don't _let Thor finish all the PopTarts." Pepper added.

"You have my word, Ma'am." Steve replied with a respectful salute which brought a smile to Pepper's face. As she and Tony slipped out the door, she could be heard informing him that he should take lessons in polite conduct from Steve.

###

50 minutes later...

"_Tony Stark checked in at Stark Tower with Pepper Potts and Happy Hogan." _Thor read aloud. "But how does the book of faces _know _this?"

"Really, Thor? You think _I_ know how Facebook works?" Steve replied bemusedly, looking away from his sketchbook to see what Thor was up to. The two blonds were currently lounging about in the basement rec room. The Cap was lying comfortably across a small couch, sketching peacefully in a notepad while the god of thunder sat in a gigantic beanbag chair on the floor, holding one of Tony's "outdated" old laptops - which he'd claimed as his own. They were each keeping at least one eye on Loki, who was sitting in a reclining armchair on the side of the room, investigating Pepper's iPad. So far, nothing extraordinary or dangerous had happened.

Give it time.

"Heimdall must have created the all-seeing book of faces. That is the only possible solution for the fact that it seems to know everything about everyone." Thor theorized.

"Somehow, I doubt it." Steve sighed.

"Then _you_ provide an explanation as to the source of its powers." the god replied stubbornly as he scrolled through his news feed.

"I dunno, buddy. Elves?"

"_Preposterous." _

"You're both shamefully incorrect. All of Facebook's data is entered by its own individual users." Loki drawled boredly across the room.

"You mean to say… that people _willingly _document their _lives _into this virtual wasteland?" Thor shot back suspiciously.

"If the fact that your friend Agent Coulson listed his current employment as _Resident SuperNanny _at _SHIELD _doesn't speak for itself, I don't know what does. Not to mention the fact that he recently updated his status to; _Nothing is better than tacos, fuzzy socks, and the deleted scenes of episode 24. I heart my new DVD box set. Best day ever. Smiley face." _Loki read out monotonously.

"…How are you seeing that?" Steve inquired in bafflement.

"Dear Phillip is on my friend list." the trickster replied serenely.

"He hasn't confirmed _me _yet!" Steve fumed.

Three days ago, Pepper had sat Steve and Thor down and helped them register for the ultimate social network. After just three days on Facebook, the 21st century made even less sense to them.

"_Nice_ profile picture, brother. Utterly _becoming." _Loki commented scathingly as he shot a friend request Thor's way, out of what was presumably sheer curiosity. Thor's profile pic was currently set to a much-too-close-up shot of a third of of his face, accidentally taken when he'd gotten up close and personal with the webcam. He was at a loss for how to change it, so it was stuck for now. Then there was his profile's cover photo, which was a documentation of the first celebration following the battle - the 6 Avengers were sitting in a row at the bar, clearly revelling in their own awesomeness. From left to right sat Tony, who had one arm around Nat, who was cheering on Clint, who was standing on the stool holding a dart which seemed to be aiming directly for whoever was taking the picture. Then there was Bruce, grinning from ear to ear and pouring beer into the gaping jaws of Thor, who was somehow lying across several stools. And finally there was Steve, who bore the unmistakable facial expression of someone who was doomed to forever be DD.

Loki took it all in, momentarily tuning out Thor's furious defence of the quality of his profile. At first glance, the people in the picture looked like your regular drunken babbling bumbling band of baboons (albeit super baboons) but closer investigation made it clear that this wasn't just a gang of pals out for a night on the town. This was a snapshot the ultimate team, sharing a bond forged in blood, sweat, and tears. To put it in very simple terms, _friends. _Best, best, friends.

Even after a life of lurking in shadows, after all the years he'd spent trailing after Thor and the Warriors Three in the vain hope they'd accept him into their little posse, Loki couldn't recall ever feeling quite so… left out.

So he donned his patented evil smirk and silently informed his feelings that they need not exist.

###

Meanwhile at Stark Industries…

Tony was about as happy as a beaver at the dentist. He hadn't even been permitted to finish his revoltingly bland car coffee before being hustled into his first item on his dauntingly long agenda: a press conference to discuss IronMan's involvement in the battle. And naturally disclosing as little information about SHIELD and his fellow Avengers as possible. He enjoyed answering stupid questions nearly as much as he enjoyed being handed things, and before the end of the conference his eloquent and deflective answers had dissolved into retorts such as "I don't know, why do YOU think the target was under the impression earthlings would make good slaves?" "Does the phrase _I've told you five times already that's CLASSIFIED information _mean anything to you?" and finally, "Here, go buy yourself a nose job. I couldn't hear your stupid question over the sound of that schnoz ruining your career."

Pepper had the sense to call it quits at that point, the conference was adjourned before anyone could file a formal complaint and an irate Tony made fast tracks to his office - and more importantly, his espresso machine.

He'd been sitting in his comfy chair for .3 seconds when JARVIS chimed in;

"Sir, there's a call waiting on line eight for you. Caller ID reads Anthony Stark; the call is coming from inside your house."

"Connect me." the genius sighed, distinctly recalling informing Thor and Steve not to contact him at work unless it was an absolute emergency. Unless someone was dying or dead, he'd kill them.

"Friend Stark?" Thor's voice quavered across the air waves.

"Yeah, buddy. What's goin' on?" Tony replied, beginning to feel slightly concerned.

"I fear your home is under attack!" (_Oh God.) "_I am hiding under the table. There's an terrifying noise coming from the evil box beside the window in the kitchen." the immortal reported in a nervous whisper. "It sounds like this: _krrrsshoooooooowww!_"

Tony's apprehension was immediately replaced by a strong mix of relief and exasperation. Mostly just exasperation.

"It's not evil, Thor. It's the air conditioner, that's what keeps the house cool. It makes that noise when it comes on." the industrialist finally responded after a long sip on his java.

"No. It's very evil." Thor hissed back. "_Friend Rogers, cover me! _I'm going in…"

Tony facepalmed as Thor's heavily cautious footsteps became audible in the background.

"Here I go… it's… it's… _oh_ you're right! It's all okay. And what a fine cool breeze this intimidating box produces indeed! _Ahh, _I feel as though I am out-of-doors! Friend Rogers, come experience this wonderment!"

Tony cursed under his breath. A second voice drifted in through the receiver:

"Good grief, Thor. Here, give me that. Hello? Tony?" said Steve as his voice became clear.

_"What is going on in my house?" _

"Nothing, nothing, not a thing. Everything's fine." the supersoldier replied a bit too breezily. "Just… when exactly can we expect you home?"

"Uhm, 6? Maybe earlier if I can ditch my afternoon board meeting without Pepper getting mad at me. Why? Is everything okay?"

"Oh, don't worry yourself. We're doing just fine. Uhm… one moment… GOTTA GO TONY BYE."

There was a shrill beep and a loud crash, but the line did not disconnect. Then there was the muffled rustle of the phone being picked up.

"Good morning, Mr. Stark. I trust you are having a relaxing first day back to work." Loki's silky voice oozed through the line.

_"What the hell are you doing to my friends?"_

"Your _friends_? My goodness, they say one chooses friends who they believe to mirror their own personality aspirations. If this is the case, you're aiming rather low if you don't mind me saying. And don't worry, I haven't had time to blow up your house what with the… erm, _adventures _which are currently being had by my brother and Mr. Rogers. How interesting, it takes merely a flick of a switch to set them air conditioner was most simple to operate, which means it's _just _out of Thor's capability range. The results were most entertaining, as you heard."

"Give the guy a break. Go sit in your room and re-colour the walls or something." Tony groaned, figuring some re-decorating would be less harmful than whatever the hell was going on back there.

"I have moved beyond such petty forms of entertainment. Your house is much funner than a prison cell." the master of chaos replied lightly. "What time did you say you were returning? 6? That will be cutting it very close indeed, I don't know how much of your house will be standing in 8 hours but I'll do my best. Anywho, I'll leave you to it. Farewell, Mr. Stark."

_Beep._

"Jarv, show me the camera feed!" Tony ordered, beginning to feel rather nauseous.

"Incoming, Sir." the AI replied calmly, filling Tony's widescreen desktop computer with a grid of the live feed of all the house cameras.

"There, zoom on camera 8."

Camera 8's feed expanded to fullscreen, and Tony leaned back with a frustratedly furious sigh. Playing across his screen was a live view of his kitchen, which was looking remarkably unlike his kitchen. There had been a fort constructed out of chairs near the table. Although it was currently empty, Tony would have bet everything he owned that it was a certain blond immortal's handiwork. On the other side of the room, Thor himself was standing not _at_, but _in _the fridge, his feet on the bottom level as his entire upper torso had nearly disappeared into the cold depths as he rummaged. Either he was looking for Narnia, or there was something _really_ fucking tasty back there which was proving difficult to reach. Diagonally from that situation was a whole other can of worms. Steve was by the countertop, locked in mortal combat with… _oh shit, _Pepper's favourite fruit smoothie machine. Looking on the bright side, the lid must have been safe and sound somewhere else because the colourful contents of the glass bowl part was creating something of a fruit juice blizzard as it covered everything in a five-foot radius. The camera did not pick up sound, but Steve looked like he was screaming in terror. Or maybe he was trying to catch the juice in his mouth. Either way, things weren't working out for him.

And then there was Loki, sitting cross-legged on the kitchen island watching the carnage and nibbling on Tony's favourite chips - the Sweet Chili Heat Doritos he'd hidden so far back in the snack cupboard he'd sworn nobody else would ever find them. Then, as though he knew he was being watched, the black-haired god turned to look right up at the (supposedly hidden) camera and flash a huge grin accompanied by a thumbs-up.

Tony decided right then and there that Fmylife-dot-com had nothing on him.

###

As it turned out, ditching his board meeting to speed his return to the home front would not be a possibility because it would lead mean paperwork, and he was allergic to paperwork. As it turned out, everyone and their mother was bound and determined that he never leave his workplace because they had made it their mission to make sure everything he did took as much time as humanly possible, whether it was further irritating him with Iron Man questions or trying to worm their way into his schedule or having the audacity to _try to hand him things for eff's sakes_ or simply tripping in front of where he was walking. As it turned out, the board of directors had had seemingly made a collective agreement to make his life a living hell for the 2 and a half hours he was locked inside the dreaded meeting. Combine that with the fact that JARVIS was sending him a consistent stream of updates, each more bizarre and upsetting than the next:

_11:59 am _

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_Sir, there are loud and frightened screams coming from the bathroom which Mr. Rogers is currently inside. There are no cameras so I cannot be sure as to what is occurring, but it sounds rather violent._

_12:01 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_Is he alone in there?_

_12:03 pm:_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_Affirmative._

_12:06 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_He probably fell in the fucking toilet or something. Get DUM-E to pick the lock and see what's going on._

_12:07 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_Jarv?_

_12:08 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_JARVIS._

_12:09 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE_

_12:10_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_If you don't reply in one second I'll sell you to the public school system._

_12:11 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_Mr. Odinson has already taken care of the situation, Sir. I am pleased to inform you that Mr. Rogers is alive and well. He attempted to take a shower but could not manage adjusting the water temperature which was minus-20 degrees celsius, and was unable to open the sliding glass door. Mr. Odinson sincerely apologizes for demolishing both the bathroom and the shower door with his hammer. Mr. Rogers is currently wrapped in 5 of your favourite microfiber blankets _

_12:12 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: Jarvis:_

…_brb jumping out window_

_###_

_1:19 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_Assuming your earlier remark about jumping out the window was indeed sarcasm and you are currently alive and well, I am now pleased to report that the automatic cleaning cycle you programmed into DUM-E has worked extraordinarily well, and the kitchen is now free of fruit juice remnants. At least in the areas DUM-E was able to reach, that is._

_1:22 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_Thanks for the good news? Why do I feel like you're omitting something?_

_1:23 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_You no longer own a Roomba._

_1:24 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_I owned a Roomba?_

_1:26 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_Miss Potts gifted you with one for your half-birthday last year. _

_1:27 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_That's what that thing was?_

_1:28 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_Astute observatory skills, Sir. _

_1:30 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_When one owns as many robotic devices as myself, one may not take immediate note of something used to suck filth from floors. _

_1:33 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_On May 6 2010 you commented to me, and I quote: "_Where'd that come from? Do you and DUM-E have a kid I don't know about?"

_1:35 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_Good to know you keep records of my jewels of wisdom. I remember that thing now. What the hell happened to it?_

_1:36 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_It made the fatal error of "chasing" Thor. _

_1:38 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_Say no more…_

_###_

_3:04 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_Just a quick question, Sir. Were you fond of your one-of-a-kind Obama-ized IronMan poster?_

_3:06 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_Considerably. _

_3:07 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_In that case, I recommend you sit down before I deliver my report._

_3:10 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_ALKSHSGDFEGSH!1111_

_###_

_6:40 pm_

_To: JARVIS_

_From: Bossman_

_That meeting could not have been more dragged out and hellish. Pepper confiscated my phone and then one of the board guys decided to go and have a heart attack and waiting for the stupid ambulance set us back an hour. Long story short, my hair has gone grey and my life expectancy has shortened by at least a decade. What's the damage? Oh, and book me a massage. _

_6:41 pm_

_To: JARVIS_

_From: Bossman_

_Let's see the camera feed while you're at it. _

_6:43 pm_

_To: JARVIS_

_From: Bossman_

_JARVIS._

_6:45 pm_

_To: JARVIS_

_From: Bossman_

_JARVIS?_

_6:50 pm_

_To: JARVIS_

_From: Bossman_

_I meant what I said about selling you to public school. _

_7:01 pm_

_To: JARVIS_

_From: Bossman_

_Almost home. Assuming the house has been demolished and you are no longer operable. If that's the case, see you never. If you CAN hear me, start coming up with a damn excellent excuse for ignoring my messages. What the hell are you, my teenage son? _

_###_

"Well, the house looks fine." Pepper pointed out as the limo cruised up the long driveway to the Stark mansion.

"I would like to remind you that there is a vast amount of things _inside _the _apparently fine_ house that are most likely _not fine_." Tony griped. "See, look. No lights on. They knocked the power out."

"Maybe JARVIS is being environmentally conscious." Pepper suggested.

"How much damage could they _really _do in one day?" Happy added from the driver's seat.

"I'm going to act like you _didn't_ just say that." was Tony's clipped reply as the limo smoothly braked by his front door. He half-expected to be vaporized or attacked or something as he got out and walked cautiously up to the door. There was no sound as he slipped inside, followed by Pepper.

"Guys?" he called out to the darkness. "Jarv, put on some lights! Hello? How about that. He's still ignoring me. Guess we're being Amish today."

"Or you could use the switches." Pepper sighed.

"Pfft, like wild animals? Let's be serious here. Also, I don't know where they are."

"I honestly don't know how you've survived this long." Pepper muttered, locating a light switch and flipping it.

"Charm and luck, mostly."

"That's what I thought."

The long walk to the main living area revealed no signs of life or damage. Tony didn't know whether to be relieved or terrified, what if they'd all killed each other? Fury would go absolutely bananas and of course it would be all Tony's fault and blah blah blah.

Then, he heard a thump. Not a particularly violent one, but a thump just the same.

"It's coming from the kitchen." Pepper whispered, sounding reminiscent of a horror movie character prior to a very gruesome and unexpected death. It's important to note that Tony's house has two kitchens: one industrial-sized one equipped with a team of gourmet chefs, generally used for functions with more than a dozen people, and one normal (okay, this is Tony Stark we're talking about, so _slightly _bigger than normal) one for days when fancy, extravagant meals were unnecessary, when quick, easy, and yummy was all that was needed.

In this case, the threatening thump was emanating from the latter.

Tony paused just beyond the doorway, out of view of the kitchen.

"Peps, I don't know what we're gonna find in this room. But if this is the end, I just want you to know-"

"Oh, save it." the strawberry blonde scoffed, pushing past her overstressed boss and into the kitchen. Tony waited for a bloodcurdling scream of shock and horror or some equally disturbing reaction, but all he heard was a politely surprised gasp and,

"Oh my God! You shouldn't have!"

The dark-haired playboy slid around the corner to check things out for himself. He stopped beside Pepper and with one glance took it all in.

"No, really. You _shouldn't _have." he commented drily.

The scene that greeted him was not quite the smoking wasteland of destruction he'd been envisioning, but it was far _far_ from the immaculate house he enjoyed coming home to.

The first thing he noticed was the smell. It was like a Machu Wok had a lovechild with McDonald's, and then _that_ creature violently bludgeoned a Taco Bell. The second thing was that every single appliance and utensil (and that was a considerable amount) had seemingly been used at least once and then left to perish on the countertop or in the sink or on the damn _floor_ without being cleaned. Additionally, there had clearly been a vast amount of cooking performed, a fact made apparent by the entire contents of the fridge having been relocated across the rest of the kitchen, and the fridge door wide open and quite empty.

Not to be forgotten, there was also the matter of the table. It had been turned into a veritable buffet of everything from Chinese noodles to chicken McNuggets to giant tacos. Either the theme was multiculturalism, or someone had decided to throw themes out the window and just attempted to cook _everything in fucking sight. _Tony suspected it was much more the latter; his eyes finally fell on the three figures at the table:

Thor, sitting on the right with a triple-stuffed taco in each hand. Steve, on the left still wearing an apron and oven mitts. And of course Loki, parked as far away from Tony's spot as possible _(thank you, Pepper)_ and wearing a look of supreme disdain.

"Yep. Definitely shouldn't have." Tony recapped.

"We prepared you a feast to celebrate your triumphant return from the dreaded land of _work_!" Thor greeted delightedly.

"We _cooked!_" Steve added proudly.

"You sure did!" said Pepper rather breathlessly as she stared at the kitchen.

"Friend Stark, have you defeated your work foes? Is this indeed a triumphant return?" Thor added worriedly, observing Tony's slightly scarred expression.

"Because that doesn't look like a triumphant face." Steve noted.

"Because it's kinda not." Tony replied irritably. "Because I can't hear my meal over the sound of my kitchen screaming in pain, having been _violated _within an inch of its life."

"_Dark._" Loki contributed with a light smirk.

"Welcome home, Sir." JARVIS spoke up. "I apologize for delaying my response to your messages, I have been preoccupied by directing your friends on the proper methods of cooking and safe utilization of your appliances, and DUM-E has been performing his specialty duty of fire patrol."

"Oh, I see how it is. You're perfectly fine with the fact that I'm having a coronary, while you give cooking classes. Cool."

"Tony! Be kind. Have you forgotten the Great Birthday Smash of 2010? Destruction is your middle name." Pepper reprimanded.

"It doesn't bother me when it's _my_ fault." the billionaire lamented. "Do I even want to know what happened to my poster?"

"No." Steve mumbled.

"How about my Roomba?"

"Are you referring to the miniature floor-dwelling demon?" Thor growled. "I have taken care of it. It will not bother you again. To think it had the audacity to attempt to eat your floor dirt! Why is everyone looking at me?" he added as his comrades fell silent and stared at him in condescending awe.

Loki applauded his brother in sarcastic slow-motion. Steve eyed the taco shells apprehensively. Pepper discretely picked up her phone and Googled _weekend spa getaway packages for one_. Thor guffawed about how this particular chicken McNugget looked exactly like Fury's head. Over in the corner, DUM-E broke a dish and then "glanced" nervously over his "shoulder" as though expecting punishment. JARVIS ran a diagnostic on the shattered bits of plate and built a virtual map of how to put them back together.

Tony looked around at his wayward pals and sighed in defeat. The bitchy remark that had been brewing died before it passed his lips, and he took a seat between his two blond brothers-in-arms

There was always tomorrow.

_Oh shit, _now he had tomorrow to worry about… there was nothing left to do, except -

"Thor, be a champ and pass me an… ummm… Chinese McTaco."

* * *

Hi again!

So, I hope I did the other Avengers justice. Now that I've seen the movie I have a much better feel for their characterization. And you will NOT only see them through Skype during this story. Don't worry, they'll be at large and in charge very shortly as a regular feature.

Also, Tony's issue with having Loki in his seat was inspired by the Big Bang Theory, what else?

And I asked this in the original posting too, but who knows where "babbling bumbling band of baboons" came from? ;)

Please note that this is the last chapter of the ones I've had previously written/posted. Chapter 6 is coming along very nicely though and will hopefully be up within the next few days. I have a bunch of school shit on the go, but meh... who really cares? ;)

KEEP REVIEWING, IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY! :D Assemble for a group hug!

*squeeeeeeeeeze*

RXP


	6. A Day At The Office

Gah, I am so sorry for the wait D: this chapter was started long before the movie ever came out, and it just took its sweet time coming together. Gah, writing humour should NOT be this hard xD I'm so obsessed with getting the characterization just right (so I can properly exaggerate it) it just takes me a while...

I saw Avengers for only the second time over the weekend and I was so overwhelmed with feelings it gave me the inspiration to finish this up. Also I wrote a good chunk with an Iron Man Dr. Pepper in my hand. Gaahh I love their cans :)

Oh and apparently I have 144 reviews now WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? I wish I could reply them all! I LOVE YOU. SO MUCH. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. HULK HUGS FOR ALL!

Okay, FAQ time: (questions may be abridged for more effective answers. ALSO I'm not pointing these at individual people, I don't even remember who's been saying what exactly, these are just general things I've been hearing a lot about from y'all)

**- Where are the other Avengers?**

They're coming. Keep your pants on. Or don't, if that's your thing. I don't judge.

**- You're making Thor and Steve sound way dumber than they actually are.**

Yes, yes I am. I love them both and mean them no offence, but it's easier to write funny situations when they're hugely oblivious to the world around them.**  
**

**- I died laughing.**

Please don't. I like hearing from you.

**- Loki's POV. I like it. Another! **

Of course!

**- Thor and Steve cause way more problems than Loki. **

I actually didn't intend it to happen that way, but the thing is, Loki's very good at controlling his on environment ;) and Thor and Steve... aren't.

**- Was 'babbling bumbling band of baboons' from HP4GOF?**

We've established that yes it was. Case closed ;) nobody got that wrong.

**- PLEASE UPDATE!**

What do you think I'm doing here? ;)

Also that FAQ was fun :) KEEP THEM COMING!

There are tiny moments of cheesy in this one, hope you spot and enjoy them ;)

* * *

_**a day at the office**_

* * *

The second night was met with a little less apprehension and a little more resentful acceptance on everyone's part. Luckily for everyone who regularly suffered his annoyance, Tony dropped off to sleepyland during a Skype session with Fury before he'd even had time to verbally disembowel the one-eyed man. That left Steve and Thor to deliver their report that everything was going as well as could be expected. Fury looked considerably relieved when Thor informed him that his brother had been stripped of all divine abilities.

"Tell your daddy I owe him one." Nick concluded before signing off. Clint, Bruce, and Nat then checked in briefly to see for themselves that everyone was alive and well, and also to giggle at the snoozing Tony who was draped across his chair. Once the Skype windows were closed, it was bedtime for everyone. Thor gently carried Tony off to bed so as not to wake him and incur his wrath. Once the Man of Iron had been deposited, the Thunder warrior silently tiptoed (as best he could) back to his own room to snuggle happily beneath his bright red blankets. Two doors down, the star-spangled man with a plan donned his patriotically-patterned pyjamas and began to snore not long after.

It seemed to be only Loki who was feeling less than cozy. His room was incredibly chilly, which he didn't _really _mind (being of Jotun blood and all) but it nevertheless gave off a terribly unwelcoming feeling. However, complete lack of sleep last night made it rather inevitable tonight, and he cleverly turned the offensive Spider-Man pillowcase inside-out before laying down, and slumber arrived considerably easier after that. (Once his eyes were closed, the Iron Man-themed sheets were no longer a problem. Mostly.)

Although, _getting _to sleep and _staying _asleep were two entirely different challenges. _Maybe, _he allowed himself to think rather childishly for just a moment, more of a joke really, _the superhero linens would keep the nightmares away. _

###

"Goooood morning, fellow inmates!" Tony greeted rather chipperly as Thor, Steve, and eventually Loki filed into the kitchen after being rattled out of bed an hour early by JARVIS's shrieking alarm system. The billionaire was seated in his favourite spot, while Pepper put the finishing touches on what appeared to be a delicious breakfast.

"Friend Stark, state a reason for this unacceptably early ascent." No prizes for guessing who said that.

"You _do _know you're authorized to call me Tony, right?" _Friend Stark_ replied

Thor mumbled something indecipherable and busied himself with heaping some of Pepper's famous chocolate-chip pancakes onto a plate. Meanwhile, Steve emptied half a box of cheerios into a bowl.

"What would you like us to prepare for dinner tonight?" Cap added with an innocent grin.

Tony cringed. Exciting as the Chinese McTacos had been, it would be a _long long long _time before his friends were left to their own devices where meal preparation was concerned. Kudos for trying, but DUM-E had blown a fuse, shattered 3 plates and a large bowl, and somehow locked the dishwasher shut after working through the night to clean up the mess.

"Actually, I have kind of a surprise for you." the industrialist replied casually.

"A surprise! How delightful!" Thor boomed, clapping his hands like a gigantic hairy toddler.

"Indeed." Loki muttered sourly as he snatched a slice of bacon off his distracted brother's plate.

"I hope this isn't like the last surprise." Steve mumbled apprehensively.

"No strippers involved. Promise." Tony grinned. "This is _so _way better, consider it your first step to rehabilitation in the real world."

"Are we going to Disneyland?" Thor asked loudy.

Tony's eyebrows shot upwards. "God knows where you came up with that, and no. Because we've established that I can't function to a competent level at work with you three alone in my house, and I am in no way ready for my perfect hair to go completely grey, I have made an executive decision that from now on, you will accompany me to work so I can keep an eye on you."

Enter a new set of facial expressions:

Pepper: Absolute horror.

Thor: This is clearly more appealing than Disneyland.

Loki: Bored indifference.

Steve: Rueful eagerness.

"We are accompanying you to the fabled land of _work! _Huzzah!_" _Thor cheered.

"I never thought I'd get a chance to see Howard's legacy from the inside. I'm in!" Steve added nostalgically.

"And _when _were you going to tell me about this? _Executive decision_ does not mean _Spontaneous Crazy Tony Decision_! You can't have half the Avengers running around your building, do you have any idea what would happen if word got out to the public? What about their identity protection? What about a cover story? What will we tell the other employees? What about-" Pepper fumed, before being cut off by her glee-faced boss.

"I have an answer to every single one of those questions in that order; I was going to tell you right now. _Executive _and _Tony_ are synonyms. Spontaneity is a gift. Crazy is a side effect. JARVIS is printing them fake ID tags as we speak, not that they need them since I own and control the company as you may have noticed. The cover story is they're my cousins. And the other employees can suck it. Any other questions?" Tony rambled saucily.

"Everyone knows you don't have any cousins." Pepper shot back swiftly.

"Right. That means they're you're cousins." Tony countered easily. Loki and Steve watched the exchange with mild interest. Thor searched frantically for his missing slice of bacon.

"But… what will they _wear?_" Pepper challenged. They sure wouldn't fit into Tony's suits, and their only items of clothing were their combat outfits as well as a few basic garments sporting the very conspicuous S.H.I.E.L.D. logo. In Loki's case, there was his rather menacing horned helmet and an assortment of mostly black clothes… as well as his momentous prison jumpsuit. There hadn't been a whole lot of time for clothes shopping.

"Blond and Blonder should fit into a couple of Obie's old pre-diet suits, I think I've got some sitting around. Tall Dark And Evil can wear the tux Rhodey left here when he stole my armor at the Birthday Smash. I knew there was a good reason I forgot to give it back. What can I say, that's just the Stark insight."

"Okay, fine. Now tell me, what exactly are they going to _do _all day? Surely you're not gonna stick them in the employee daycare centre on the first floor."

"I'm sure I can find _some _menial task in my multibillion-dollar corporation that they can complete without tearing the building down… like, running my shredder."

"Shredding the bones of our enemies is what Mjolnir and I do best!" said Thor, eyes lighting up. "Are you saying you would like us to eliminate your competition, Friend Stark?"

"I was thinking of my paper shredder but we'll keep that idea on the back burner, Big Guy. If things ever get bad with HammerTech, we'll send you in."

###

20 minutes later, three Avengers and a Villain were piling into the back of Tony's Audi limo, in which Pepper was already seated.

"Lady Potts, observe! I am wearing work clothes!" Thor announced excitedly, sporting a poorly-fitted beige suit and a sky-blue tie which had been knotted in the manner which one might tie a boat to a dock.

"Yes you are! I didn't even recognize you!" Pepper patronized kindly, unable to keep herself from giggling at the thunder god's enthusiasm.

"I can't even remember the last time I wore a suit…" Steve mumbled. His ensemble was a forest green tux and a red striped tie. (Obadiah had worn it to Tony's 2007 company Christmas party and left the next day with only a porn star and a bath robe. The suit had collected dust in a spare room closet ever since.) "When I was your age, these things didn't have this many pockets. Or complimentary snacks." Steve withdrew a very old and lint-covered candy cane from the chest pocket, which Thor readily munched.

Loki (looking slick in Rhodey's party tux) took one look at the pile of superheroes in the back seat and decided to ride shotgun, much to Happy's obvious discomfort. Happy, Pepper, and Rhodey remained the only members of 'Team Stark' who'd been briefed on the real story behind Tony's assortment of house guests. Admittedly they were all taking as well as could be expected.

"I am so far out of my comfort zone right now." Happy quibbled as the most menacing supervillain in history casually twiddled the dials on his radio and air conditioning.

"You and me both, friend." Loki replied with his typical disconcertingly warm smile that looked like an evil grin from just the right angle.

The ride to Stark Tower was greatly improved by a stop at Starbucks, which Tony made a condition of Happy's continuing employment even though they were already running late. Although Happy wasn't exactly sure if continued employment was in his best interests right now, judging by the way Loki kept smirking at him, he relented nonetheless.

Once Tony's complaints had been quelled with the biggest cup of pure caffeine the state had to offer, it was off to work they went.

"_Damn, _Howard. You sure outdid yourself." Steve breathed in awe as he stared around at the impeccably clean and ultra-futuristic interior of the California Stark Tower.

"_Hey." _Tony interjected. "_I _remodelled it in 2005. This is all me you're looking at."

"What, pray tell, is this witchcraft?" Thor asked rather louder than necessary, with his fat pointer finger locked on the gigantic transparent water cooler in front of him. He ambled over for a closer look. 'It seems as though you have entrapped water in thin air!"

This declaration caused a nearby secretary to pause her rapid typing and affix Thor with a very unimpressed gaze.

"Mr. Stark, would you like me to call security?"

"It's fine, Ida. He's with us. Pepper's cousin, visiting from… uh, Norway. Yeah. Norway. They don't have a lot of water coolers up there, so... Hey, did you get a nose job?"

"So I have cousins in Norway now?" Pepper jabbed at Tony as the crew continued on their merry way towards the elevators.

"Not _in _Norway. They're _here_, visiting you. Remember? Do try to keep up, Peps."

"So you think I'm Norse? I don't think that's very plausible, Tony." Steve added. "I'm all-American, remember? And before that, I'm fairly sure my ancestors were British."

Tony rolled his eyes. This was already getting seriously old.

"Just mess up your hair and pretend you don't speak English. If anyone talks to you, shake your head and talk nonsense with an accent."

"A Captain America who can't speak English? Stark, can you even hear yourself?"

"_Yeah _except you're _not _Captain America, okay, you're Pepper's cousin from northern Europe, and you're living here because… umm… JARVIS, look up current natural disasters in Norway."

Steve's expression switched from befuddlement to abject horror in the space of a millisecond.

"So… this is all a _lie?" _

Tony clapped his hands in glee. "He gets it, everyone! God, Rogers, I was starting to worry about you."

"So… you're just… _lying_… to… _everyone_." Steve repeated, hugging himself and looking traumatized.

"I'm suddenly getting the feeling that you're not as into this plan as I am." Tony replied with reasonable concern.

Pepper then ushered the little group into the elevator; if Steve were to have a mental breakdown now, this was the only place out of sight and earshot of the rest of Stark Industries.

"I can't believe you're lying to everyone!" the supersoldier confronted the man of iron with tragic indignance.

'I can't believe you thought I was serious when I said those two were actually Pepper's cousins…" Tony answered cautiously, gesturing at Thor and Loki.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE IN THIS WORLD!" Steve wailed apathetically. "IT CHANGES EVERY 5 MINUTES!"

"Look at it this way, if nobody lied, you mortals wouldn't have your lawyers, vehicle salesmen, real estate agents, or politicians! And then what kind of world would you live in? How would you function if everyone spoke with complete honesty all of the time?" Loki contributed philosophically.

Four pairs of eyes turned on him.

"Where's your _honour_?" Steve gasped in utter revulsion.

"This coming from a man wearing _that _tie with _that _suit? You are one to speak of honour." Loki sneered.

Captain Rogers undoubtedly had a witty comeback prepared, but he never got a chance to use it because at that very moment the elevator shot upwards and Thor absolutely _lost his shit. _As in a hysterical spastic panic attack that had him literally bouncing off the walls wailing that the space was closing in on him and he had to escape before the little chamber of death sucked him into another dimension. Or something along those lines.

Tony pulled Pepper into the corner and shielded her from the dangerously lurching demigod, and muttered a thank-you for talking him out of installing glass elevators back in 2005. She didn't say she'd told him so, but she was certainly thinking it. Meanwhile, Steve valiantly tackled Thor to the ground in an attempt to subdue him, but unfortunately Thor simply (although unintentionally) rammed him upwards into the ceiling light. Sparks rained down on the group as Pepper bashed her clipboard against her forehead, Tony took a long drink of his coffee, and Loki let out a mirthful giggle of pure entertainment. Finally the elevator stopped smoothly and Thor tumbled free, landing in a blond heap on the marble floor, tie askew. The others followed him with as much dignity as they could muster.

"Why… this is not the same room as the one we left! Where has this death chamber taken us?" Thor demanded shakily, clambering to his feet.

"I know this one!" Steve answered almost enthusiastically. "It's an elevator. It lifts people from floor to floor, so they don't have to take the stairs. At least… that's what they did back in my day?"

"Nothing's changed." Tony confirmed, and Steve looked terribly relieved. "Welcome to my office, by the way. And yes, this _is_ the most spectacular room any of you have ever been blessed enough to set foot in."

"And you ride in this… _elevator… _every day, Friend Stark?" Thor gulped nervously as he sat down on the overstuffed leather couch that adorned the side of the room nearest the massive bookcase.

"It has my name on it, so yeah. I sure as hell don't walk 50 flights of stairs. And I'm not about to start." Tony shot back.

"If you did not make me leave Mjolnir in the House of Stark, I would have been able to fly up and save myself the torment of stepping into the small moving chamber of death."

"We discussed this." Pepper explained gently, pulling a comb from her purse and going to work on Thor's disrupted hair. "People might get scared and run away if they see you carrying a giant hammer. I know humans are silly, but that's just how it is, okay?"

"I accept the tragic state of this situation, Lady Potts." Thor agreed ruefully as he bowed his head to allow her easier access to his tangled mane. He would be the first to admit how much he enjoyed having his golden locks petted and otherwise touched.

_The big suck-up. _Loki snarked inwardly. _He looks like a dog, sitting there, being fussed over. A big, blond, dumb dog. A Labradumb. _

"Why haven't you ever brushed my hair, Peps?" Tony wondered aloud as he casually tossed his briefcase on his desk.

"That's incorrect. I did once, when you had that life-or-death board meeting at 7am and you were so hungover you couldn't even hold the comb."

"I don't remember that."

"I wouldn't expect you to."

"I'm confused." Loki spoke up from the reclining armchair he'd seated himself upon. "Stark, enlighten me on what exactly is your relationship with Miss Potts. Is she a home-keeping service provider? A professional associate? Your nanny? Your special lady friend? Pray tell, I do not understand it in the least."

For once in his life, Tony was at a mouth-gaping loss for words. Had Iron Man been present, Loki's brain could have potentially been splattered across the wall behind him… immortal or not.

Pepper on the other hand, took it all in stride as she tended to do. When you're Iron Man's second in command, you tend to get good at handling any and all things, incredibly fast.

"I'm going to go with _all of the above._" she answered Loki kindly. "Would you like a mint?"

_"Would _I!" Loki grinned widely and accepted the green swirl-patterned candy.

###

**9 AM:**

"So… this is the legendary place known as _work_?" Thor asked, looking around at the high walls coated in various photos of Tony as well as various pieces of Stark Industries memorabilia.

"Well, if you want to get accurate, I work all over the world but yeah, this is where the magic happens. Now put a sock in it, I have a conference call in T-5 seconds."

"Where exactly would you like me to place the foot garment, Friend Stark?" Thor inquired, removing his shoe and pulling off his sky blue sock. Tony could not answer, as his conference call was summoning. He shot a desperate pray-thee-control-them expression at Pepper, then turned his spinny chair to face the wall as he proceeded to greet the foreign dignitaries on the other lines. Then, Steve spied a framed photograph of Howard Stark and several other folks he'd known in his day. He immediately bounded over with Pepper in tow, and enthusiastically 'introduced' her to his old friends.

This left a certain pair of immortal brothers, sitting across from each other.

"I am still unsure as to where Friend Stark ordered me to place the foot garment, and I have already learned it is terribly unwise to speak to him while he is using the telephoning device!" Thor groaned, staring at his sock in utter confusion.

"I am not well accustomed to Midgardian turns of phrase, so I cannot help you. But I do know that is extremely unwise to place a sock in one's mouth. That is a fact." Loki responded smoothly.

Thor's ice-blue eyes narrowed to slits of suspicion.

"I am well familiar with your tricks, brother. If you say otherwise, then surely my mouth _must _be the proper location for the foot garment!"

And without further ado, Thor, future King of Asgard, quite literally _put a sock in it. _

"Thor, what have you done?" Loki groaned, wrapping his hands around his temples in a convincing display of disbelief. "You're in trouble now… but I suppose you'll be alright as long as you don't leave it in there for an extended period of time…"

Thor grinned around the sock, crossed his arms, and sat back down while assuming a "challenge accepted" expression.

###

**9:45 am**

Pepper realized Thor had been holding his sock in his mouth for the past… oh God, 42 minutes? _Thor! _

_###_

**10:09 am**

Steve discovered the radio, and spent the next hour searching for an 'oldies' station that would be relevant to his interests. He found none.

###

**10:30 am **

Thor came to the conclusion that his true calling in life was to be a karaoke singer, and he was partial to tunes by Taylor Swift, the "golden-haired maiden with a voice like a thousand sirens."

"She sounds like a thousand sirens all right. _Fire truck _sirens." Tony stuffed both fists against his ears.

"Her voice doesn't sound _at all _natural." Steve noted.

"We haven't introduced you to the concept of auto-tuning yet, have we? Here in the 21st century, we could get _Thor_ a record deal. No talent required." Tony snorted with distaste.

Loki found that very funny.

###

**10:48 am**

Tony assigned the crew to their first assignment of the day: as promised, paper shredding.

Steve was apprehensive of going anywhere near the box for fear of getting his fingers chewed off. Thor had a momentary lapse in judgement and forgot about the Appliances-Are-Not-Enemies rule Pepper had instilled in him. As soon as the shredder started running, he gave it a kick strong enough to embed it in the wall.

Pepper fetched a backup shredder, and another cup of coffee for Tony.

###

**11:00 am**

Thor found the post-it notes.

_"_…_Remarkable!"_

###

**11:16 am**

Steve checked his Facebook, and discovered the following notifications:

_**Agent Coulson has confirmed your friend request.**_

_**You have (1) new message:**_

_From: __**Phil Coulson**_

_To: __**Steve Rogers**_

_Hey Cap, _

_Sorry for the delay. When I received your request I fainted for a completely unrelated reason._

_Hope all is well._

_- Agent Coulson_

_(Feel free to call me Phil)_

_**You have (3) new Farm Town gifts from Thor Odinson.**_

_**You have (1) new Mafia Wars invitation from Thor Odinson.**_

_**You have (4) new PetVille gifts from Thor Odinson.**_

_**You have (1) new event invitation:**_

_**DIRECTOR FURY'S BDAY! (shh it's a surprise)**_

_Saturday at 10 pm_

_On the Helicarrier_

_Clint Barton invited you._

_RVSP?_

_YES / NO / MAYBE_

Steve clicked YES.

_###_

**11:41 am**

While cleaning out the office supply closet, Pepper unearthed the desk ornament she'd set out during her brief stint as solitary CEO. The strange silver spinning ornament which Tony had tried to figure out, and then to halt its relentless spinning without success. Yeah, _that_ ornament.

Tony mumbled profanity at the sight of it. Steve and Thor put their heads together in an effort to figure out what it was and what the ornament was supposed to accomplish. They had about as much success with it as Tony did.

Loki took an immediate shine to it, and politely asked Pepper if he could take it home and put it in his room. She agreed.

###

**12:00 pm**

"If I were to be so generous as to allow you out of this room, would you run down to the cafeteria on the 6th floor and get me a chocolate scone?" Tony asked abruptly, looking up from his plethora of computer screens. "I recognize that this could potentially have devastating results, but I'm damn hungry and quite frankly you're scaring me a little bit."

Thor halted his dance-accompanied karaoke of "_Call Me Maybe_" as it played on the radio. "What is frightening you, Friend Stark?"

"Never mind. It stopped." Tony grumbled, rubbing his knuckles against his forehead. "So… chocolate scone for Daddy?"

"Let's move, men!" Steve ordered, springing to his feet and dashing to the door. "We have a mission to complete!"

"The distant land of _cafeteria _will soon fear the might of _Thor_!" No prizes for guessing who said that.

"I will _try _to bring them back in one piece, but no promises." Loki commented dryly as he sauntered after the retreating blond warriors.

"I really don't like that guy." Tony huffed irritably after Loki shut the large mahogany door behind him.

Pepper handed him coffee #3, and his Iron Man-patterned stress ball.

###

**12:10 pm**

No word from the troops. Tony was getting anxious. And _hungry. _

_###_

**12:20 pm**

"They probably just got sidetracked."

"Peps, this is _them _we're talking about. Sidetracked could mean anything from trying to rule the cafeteria, to dropping each other down elevator shafts, to having an actual _battle _in the front lobby. I really don't wanna replace that fountain again."

###

**12:30 pm**

Still nothing, Tony resolved to call security and find out where the damage had been done. Since security was under strict orders not to bother him unless the building was literally collapsing, he assumed it hadn't come to that yet.

Before JARVIS could dial, another call came through on the main line.

"Sir, it's the supervisor of the first-floor daycare centre." JARVIS announced. "She says there's 3 grown men in the children's play area, and they all say they're with you.

"I don't even know how to react to that sentence." Tony replied flatly.

"Shall I tell her you're coming down?"

"I…um… yeah, do that."

"Right away, Sir." JARVIS disconnected. Tony turned to his assistant.

"I can't deal with this, Pepper. I'm returning them. All of them. The second I can get out of here, I'm grabbing them all and marching right into Fury's office and leaving them there. I didn't sign up for this."

"Hmm. You're cut off." said Pepper, picking up the half-empty coffee mug from Tony's desk. "Now sit here and play with your stress ball, I'll handle this."

She really was his greatest blessing.

###

**12:35**

"Boys, boys, _boys_." Pepper sighed as she casually slipped into the play centre after exchanging a few words with the supervisor. A vast army of the SI employees' children milled around her feet, occasionally screaming or bashing into each other. Very reminiscent of the break room at SHIELD HQ…

"Apologies, Lady Potts. We _did_ obtain the chocolate scone that Friend Stark desired, but _that _rapscallion over there snatched it right out of my hand and devoured it before I could attack." Thor pointed out a particularly vicious-looking 5 year old leering at him from within a play tunnel.

"My only question is how exactly you ended up down here when you only had to go as far as the 6th floor?" Pepper replied patiently.

"After we got the scone, Thor thought he was ready to press the elevator buttons by himself. My mistake was allowing him to do so." Cap explained ruefully.

"_I _am not the one who leapt from the portal of death to follow a Midgardian child wearing his crest!" Thor defended himself.

"_Pardon?_" said Pepper, patience waning.

"It was that one…" Steve sighed, pointing at a young boy playing with blocks… and wearing a _Captain America _shirt. "I wanted to find out how he got it…"

"I simply want to know why this exists." Loki added boredly, gesturing around at the play centre.

"It's so employees can drop their kids off while they work. The closest day care is 10 blocks away; Tony did the math and figured out they could be 7.8% more productive if they didn't have to come late and leave early to drop their kids off somewhere else." Pepper explained as she dodged a building block that flew at her face from the direction of the playhouse.

"Inventive." Loki remarked. "I suppose this guarantees Stark an endless supply of coercible test subjects."

"We discussed that; I told him testing stuff on minors wasn't allowed." Pepper answered seriously. "He's come to accept it."

Loki giggled, a shockingly genuine peal of actual _laughter_. Thor glanced up at him disconcertedly.

"Anyway, how are things going down here?" Pepper continued. "You guys keeping out of trouble?"

"I built Asgard!" Thor declared triumphantly, pointing at the replica of a city he'd constructed from blocks.

"Do you even know the meaning of the word _scale?_" Loki muttered abrasively. "I've been away for some time, yes, but I still don't see how the palace could be twice-and-a-half the length of the Rainbow Bridge…"

"Because the palace is _big, _that is why!" Thor shot back.

There was a silence where Loki shook his head.

"That'll do, Thor. That'll do."

The blond nodded decisively like he'd just won the argument of the century, and proceeded to set several toy horses on the bridge. Pepper looked away to see where Steve had gotten to, and she found her heart melting just a little bit.

The star-spangled man with a plan was sitting comfortably in a bean bag chair, surrounded by a crowd of small children. He was holding a very old looking book: _The Adventures of Captain America, _and was reading aloud to his very enthusiastic audience. Even Thor slowly shuffled over to have a listen.

For a fleeting moment, Pepper wished Tony had some of that good-quality old-fashioned endearing charm… but then she banished the idea, because if he was all-around endearing then he'd hardly be Tony now, would he?

Anyway, things seemed to be going well down here. Both Steve and Thor were safely distracted from anything that could potentially confuse/scare/generally damage them, and Loki seemed to be perfectly content to simply - what the heck was he doing? Oh. He'd started a chess game with the child prodigy whose mother was a scientist on the 3rd floor. From here she couldn't tell who was giving who a run for their money.

That should keep them busy for a while.

Pepper made her way to the door with a gracefully contrived explanation to the daycare supervisor:

"They're analysts. Mr. Stark is having them assess his employee's kids' minds. Nothing to worry about, but they'll probably be here for the rest of the day. Just have them call me first if they want to leave…"

###

**5 pm**

"Pepper Potts, have I told you lately that you're a genius?" Tony commented offhandedly as he stepped into his elevator.

"You told me three days ago when I made you that smoothie that cured your hangover. But it never gets old." she replied with a smile.

"Well then. You're a genius."

Surprisingly, it had turned into a relatively productive day. With the boys locked up in daycare, Tony had kicked the ass of every last little business issue that had been left during his absence. The paperwork had been completed and sent off to the board of directors. Stupid writing-shit-out-by-hand. The pen had felt like a wet noodle in his hand after the slick touchscreen keyboards he was used to. At 3:15 pm Tony had resolved himself to buying every pen in the world and express-mailing them to Ass-Guard. Pepper told him that was a terrible idea and it was pronounced _Asgard _for the millionth time. Neither of them spoke for the next hour.

But it was all over, he was caught up and free to get back to what looked like his schedule for the rest of his life: keeping Thor away from the PopTarts, Steve away from smoothie machine, and Loki away from everyone's sanity. No small task even for Iron Man.

Unless he managed to catch Fury in a real good mood and make some modifications to the current arrangements…

###

"So did you have a good day?" Pepper greeted Thor, Steve, and Loki enthusiastically as they came to greet her at the daycare centre door.

"It was most splendid. Although these Midgardian children have _no _respect for superior beings. They were utterly _greedy_ at snack time." Thor muttered as the little gang turned to walk out to the parking lot.

"You're one to talk. Tell everyone how those carrot muffin crumbs got in your pockets." Steve replied, ever the honest one.

"_Pardon me? _They serve _carrot muffins _in my daycare?" Tony snorted with revulsion. "That is unacceptable. Pepper, go have a talk with whoever organizes that stuff. Doesn't anyone know that kids hate vegetables?"

"There are _vegetables _in these un-sugared cakes-in-cups?" Thor yelped sharply. "I ingested _vegetables? " _Then he turned 250 lbs of blond wrath on Loki: You lie! You told me carrots grew from the same plant as the strawberries which I cherish so dearly!"

"Did I?" Loki yawned as he carefully removed an assortment of bows from his sleek black locks. He'd spent the later part of the afternoon at a rousing game of 'tea party'.

"My mouth. It buuurrrnth!" Thor moaned, apparently trying to rip his tongue out.

"Oh stop it, you're fine." Pepper ordered sternly as they made their way across the sunny parking lot.

"Thank God for my private parking lot. I don't think anyone seeing _this _would continue to buy the Norse cousin thing, _or _the child physcologist cover story." Tony muttered, referring to Thor who had collapsed in apparent agony and was writhing on the pavement. "Cap, could we get a hand?"

Steve sighed and bent down to gently pull Thor back to his feet. "Up ya get, Big Guy. Don't worry, there are worse things on this planet than carrots. Trust me."

Thor whimpered pathetically in response, something about _carrots, spawn, _and _the_ _depths of Hel. _

"Well, that was sufficiently painful to watch. Everybody in the car." said Tony as Happy cruised up in the Audi limo. "God, why don't I just sell off my collection of flawless vehicles and get an effing minivan?"

"How was the second day back?" Happy inquired pleasantly, sounding like a parent referring to a child's day at school, as the crew loaded into the car.

"Happy, please tell me there's alcohol in this car." Tony responded flatly.

"That answers my question." Happy chuckled. "Sorry, Boss. You finished it off on the way home yesterday."

"You shouldn't let me do that." Tony sighed, crossing his arms and sinking down into his seat like a tired, grumpy child.

"How come you were named after the Midgardian word for an emotion of peace and joy? Are you perpetually _happy_?" Thor inquired rather philosophically to the driver.

"I work for him, what do you think?" Happy smirked, gesturing at Tony.

"I would think that would be very stressful and often upsetting." Thor admitted unabashedy. Tony reached over Steve and Pepper to sock his significantly small fist against Thor's bicep, and then recoiled with a hiss of pain.

"Kids, no hitting." said Pepper.

"Mortal, it is for the good of your health that Lady Potts has forbade me to return your hit." Thor smirked at Tony who was still clutching his newly sore hand.

"The genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist isn't very intimidating without his suit of armour." Steve teased.

"Now that's a mouthful if I've ever heard one. Is it a self-given title?" Loki asked incredulously, turning around in the front seat to fix his glowing green orbs on the trio of Avengers.

"Sure is." Steve confirmed.

"Am I _wrong_?" Tony protested angrily.

"I know what _one _of those words means." Thor commented. "And it is certainly not _philanthropist…"_

"All in favour of passing around the hat and buying Thor a dictionary?" said Steve.

"That would only be effectual if he could figure out how to open it." Loki jabbed.

"Good, good! I like the direction this conversation is taking. Pick on Point Break instead of me." Tony added.

But luckily, Thor 'looked to be in a gaming mood', so they did.

The drive home passed in a blur of city lights and playful banter between the passengers of the Stark limo. Tony retreated deep into his thoughts though, finding a rare moment in which this was a actually possible. He fondly remembered the days where he could drift off to sleep on the way home from work, alone - save for Pepper - in the back of his once-spacious luxury car…

###

"What are we making to feast on tonight. Friend Stark?" Thor inquired with boundless

energy that made Tony cringe.

"_We _are not making anything." he replied "_I _want to still have a kitchen in the morning, so _I _will be ordering pizza-"

"DO NOT ORDER 'ALL THE TOPPINGS'!" Thor interjected vehemently.

"No worries, man. I think we've learned our lesson with that one. I've had all the anchovies removed from my kitchens." Tony reassured Thor. Behind them, Loki chuckled quietly to himself as they trooped up the hall in the direction of the kitchen.

"Welcome home, Sir." JARVIS greeted in his cool British accent. "I trust your second day back was less stressful?"

"You know it, J." Tony snorted somewhat sarcastically. "Not like it was a whole different ball of issues or anything like that."

"I have already served your guests, would you like me to have a drink or an appetizer prepared for you?" the AI continued smoothly.

"I - wait, _pardon? _Guests?"

Then Tony stepped into the kitchen, took one look around, and came very close to hitting the floor in shock. Steve and Thor filed in behind him and their faced immediately cracked into huge, identical grins.

"My friends!" Thor bellowed happily, rushing forwards to embrace…

Bruce Banner, who was sitting at the table, interestedly reading this month's issue of _Wired _magazine Tony had left lying there.

Natasha Romanoff, who looked to be having a face-off with DUM-E over a can of Dr. Pepper.

Clint Barton, who was tearing into a box of PopTarts (which Thor confiscated, post-hug)

And in the very middle of the room sat one Agent Phil Coulson, looking utterly cool as a cucumber.

"Did someone call for backup?"

* * *

THERE. THERE THEY ARE. HAPPY NOW? I AM :)

If you want to know why Coulson is still with us, I suggest you go read _Blog Of A Stressed SuperNanny _by the spectacular Head Minion Mac'n'Meez. Most specifically, chapter 11. That explains everything very clearly.

Also:

Thor and Pepper on "work clothes" was inspired by that one scene from Elf... you know the one ;)

I don't hate Taylor Swift, in fact I think she's great. But I can't picture Tony being a big fan ;) In reality Thor wouldn't either, but on my favourite Tumblr blog, **TheAvengersShouldntText **he sure does have himself a thing for Adele... so I figured why couldn't I have him fall in love with another one of our great voices of the 21st century? (And if you think TSwift isn't a great voice, take it somewhere else.)

Remember the funny little ornament from that one office scene in IM2 where Tony's trying to stop the thing from moving and he can't quite handle it? Yeah that's what that's from.

Iunno if the daycare thing was far-fetched, but I wanted it in there. I have no idea how Stark Industries would work from the inside, and like what _exactly _Tony does on a daily basis (other than tinkering in his basement) etc etc. If you have more insight than I do, feel free to say something.

I don't own "Call Me Maybe". If I was Carly Rae Jepsen, I'd be property of Justin Bieber's record label and I'm not for that shit.

Next chappeee will be up I have no idea when. But in the meantime, I'm working on a little oneshot that started out Mothers Day-inspired, then was supposed to be just House Arrest -style humour, but now it's mostly just turning into whump. Also Pepperony. I have no regrets. It's probably the one ship I give a crap about. It'll be up, like, sometime...

Yeah I'm the only person in the universe who doesn't ship characters like it's my job. Deal with it. *puts on shades*. ;)

Talk to me

with this button:

RXP


	7. Interim

Helloo my beauties! Sorry for the wait! (but at the same time, get used to it). I've been away at horse shows almost every weekend this month and spending every spare minute riding. Time hasn't been on my side, but let's face it, neither has motivation xD

This chapter is a shortie, hence its name. It was actually much much longer, but I decided to split it because this part didn't really go with the rest.

AND THANK YOU MY BEAUTIFUL REVIEWERS! You light up my life like you wouldn't believe!

Okay, I remember someone saying something about the possibility of creating some House Arrest Fanart, and it was an anonymous reviewer or else I would have replied immediately. I just can't remember the name and I don't have time to search through them all right now. SO if that was you (or anyone else who may be interested) PLEASE! Contact me! PM me on here or leave an email address, twitter, or tumblr where I can reach you. My tumblr is roxyrockstar-k and my twitter is shinierthanth0u. Now that FFN has gone and installed this picture thingy, I need a proper cover for this :) I've also been debating starting up a tumblr just to go with this fic, thoughts?

One more thing, Loki's POV is REALLY fucking hard to write. I know you want more of him but every time I go inside his mind I feel like I'm doing a horrible job. Tony's is easy because he's so much like me, but Loki's brain is like this huge abstract thing that's too complicated for me to understand. So keep that in mind if you think my portrayal sucks xD

ANYWAY, enjoy!

* * *

_**interim**_

* * *

As the last person to step into the kitchen, Loki heard a commotion and voices clamouring in what could only be excitement.

_Oh joy. What's the occasion now? Have the bodiless voices made cookies? _

Then he stepped into the room and realized that the population of the House of Stark had just increased by 4. In the next 10 seconds, he did an internal Avengers headcount of his own:

_Barton… I took over his brain and he never did get a chance to stick an arrow in my eye socket. I believe he was planning to take a rain check on that._

_Romanoff… She outsmarted me. ME. …_._ME! Dislike._

_Banner… That fellow picked me up by the ankle and quite literally mopped the floor with my face. Excuse me while I fight my most uncivilized instinct to run away in the opposite direction. _

_And Coulson… wait, what? I could have sworn I killed him. In fact, I _did_ kill him! This has never happened before… I was under the impression that Midgardians were supposed to stay dead._

The quartet of newcomers stared back at him with expressions of burning hatred (the Hawk), smug superiority (the Widow), questionable sympathy (Not-So-Jolly Green himself), and an unsettling combination of triumph and quiet vengeance (Son of Coul).

_Well, this situation is considerably less than desirable. What is that phrase Stark shouts when the small robotic device drives over his toes?_

_Right… Son of a bitch!_

_###_

"How… _good _it is to see you all again! And so alive, too!" the God of Mischief greeted them with the trademark twinkle in his eyes.

"You can thank our unequalled SHIELD medical response team for _that_." Phil replied jovially, extending a hand to Loki who returned the shake. They held on for a moment longer than necessary, locking eyes in an utterly analytical fashion. Testing each other, searching for a giveaway of malice or ulterior motive. Then they broke apart, and it was Clint's turn. However, his arms remained stubbornly crossed and he glared up at Loki with an expression of the purest form of loathing.

"Clinton. Shake his hand." Tasha hissed, giving him a poke in the back.

The Hawk said nothing. Just glared.

"Hello, there." Loki offered.

"At least say hi." Agent Coulson urged gently, the way a mother might speak to an incredibly antisocial child.

"No thank you." Clint declared after a pause. Then he stalked off crossly to hide behind Thor.

"Well, now that we're all reacquainted, what brings you to these parts?" Tony broke the ice.

"None other than your lovely assistant." Phil answered. "I got a call on my personal cell and it seems someone was having some… uhm, _issues._"

"Pepper, I was handling it!" Tony groaned. "You didn't have to call in the authorities."

"If by _handling it_, you mean on the verge of a nervous breakdown? Then yes, you were."

"Typical man." Tasha smirked.

"If I recall correctly, you had every intention of marching right into Director Fury's office and telling him he can have his convicted super villain back. You and I both know that would have been a massive waste of time." Pepper continued firmly.

"Regardless, at _what _point did I say "_Pepper, I need help?"_"

"In your sleep last night." she shot back without missing a beat.

Bruce, Thor, and Steve giggled hopelessly. Even Coulson cracked a smile. Tony shot them the Stark Glare of Death. They shut up.

"Did you ever consider I might have been exaggerating?" he grumbled.

"I was informed of the nature of the issues that have been occurring, and I believe it is in everyone's best interest that we re-locate Barton, Banner, and Romanoff to this facility immediately." Phil interjected cooly.

"If by _issues _you're referring to the broken smoothie machine, that godawful calorie-loaded fast-food mashup, both of Thor's temper tantrums, the destruction to the bathroom, and the moustache on Stark's Iron Man poster, the culprits you seek are _yonder." _Loki growled, pointing at Thor and Steve who were rummaging in the fridge. "Except for the moustache. It would be a crime to give those two oafs credit for my masterpiece." he added as an afterthought.

"I THOUGHT THAT WAS FROM STEVE!" Tony roared without warning, lurching across the table to clamp his hands around Loki's throat and slam him against the marble countertop. Clint piled on instantly, needing no excuse to attempt to rip Loki's eyeballs out.

The scuffle lasted exactly 4 seconds, which was just enough time for Loki to be flipped onto the floor, dragging Tony and Clint down with him in a ball of flailing fists, kicking feet, and snapping teeth. Yes, _teeth._ Bruce fled the room at top speeds to avoid any chances of a Hulk-out.

"Break that up, if you don't mind." Coulson requested without batting an eyelid. Steve plucked Tony off the pile as though he was a toddler, while Pepper silenced his frighteningly profane stream of curses with one petite hand clamped over his mouth. Natasha hauled a shrieking, spitting Clint away in a strangulating headlock. And Thor swept his brother off to the safety of the countertop, covertly checking him over for any signs of injury.

The only sound that remained in the kitchen was Tony's muffled death threats and the click of Coulson's phone camera as he captured this moment for life:

Loki sitting on the counter with his arms crossed, a look of complete insult on his pale face, and Thor looming protectively beside him, his expression daring anyone to touch his little brother again. Clint handcuffed to the table, sporting a black eye and Tasha sitting beside him, looking rather proud of herself. Then there was Tony, lying belly-down on the floor, restrained by the combined efforts of Steve and Pepper. And still looking beyond furious.

"DID YOU JUST TAKE A PICTURE?" he snarled up at Coulson.

"For my scrapbook." the mild-mannered agent replied evenly.

"Bedtime!" Pepper ordered before anyone could make another peep.

All of Stark Mansion's spare rooms now held either an Avenger, a Coulson, or a Loki. Clint, Tasha, and Bruce were eager to move in after spending the last week camped out the Helicarrier; even the spare rooms of Tony's house were worthy of a 5-star hotel at least. As soon as she received word they were coming, Pepper had taken the liberty of decking out each room in a colour scheme worthy of its' guest. Rich maroon shades for Clint, a calming green scene for Bruce, cool raspberry red for Tasha, and simple black and white for Phil although he didn't plan on staying long. Pepper was somewhat of a closet home decor expert; and the last room on her list of projects was Loki's. She didn't care what any of the Avengers said, those Iron Man bedsheets had to go.

###

"Remind me what we're doing here?" Clint muttered irritably while brushing his teeth.

"Helping our friends." Bruce replied in a soothing tone. "Just think of it as an Avengers slumber party. With a special guest who's…um… not allowed to leave."

"And helping our friends doesn't involve making a scene in the middle of the kitchen. You know better, Clint." Natasha added she rubbed a makeup wipe over her eyelid.

"That guy was inside my brain, Natasha!" Clint shot back after spitting a foamy glob of toothpaste into the sink with a vengeance. "He knows all my secrets now! Like, _ALL _of them!"

"I'm sure he has more interesting things to think about." Bruce countered mildly.

"Yeah right… the way he looked at me when he walked in, I just _know _he was picturing that one time I… God, I can't even say it!"

"And trust me, we're thankful for _that_." Tasha smirked.

"This situation is _balls._ That's all I'm saying!" Clint concluded, slamming his toothbrush down into its holder with unnecessary violence.

"Man, _breathe_. And have some mouthwash. Just not both at the same time." said Bruce, handing him the Listerene.

"Ooh, citrus flavour." Clint noted in approval. "But just for the record, this still the last place in the world I want to be."

"I'm not wild about having to share a bathroom with you guys either. God help you if you ever leave the seat up." Tasha grumbled.

"I was referring to the _situation, _but yeah. If we're really stuck living here, I'mma talk to Stark about a room transfer. Thor snores." Clint remarked.

"The walls are soundproof. The entire house is built with noise-trapping microfibers. Thor could brew up an entire thunderstorm in his room and you wouldn't hear a thing." Bruce explained.

"Yet the spare rooms don't have en-suite bathrooms. For _shame_." Clint sighed, sweeping out of the bathroom with a half-hearted slam of the door.

###

It's no secret that Tony Stark is a rabid insomniac, in fact some of his very best designs are a product of the wee hours of the morning. Since his sleep schedule is so erratic, he very rarely gets all of his required hours of slumber consecutively. This particular night, his dreams were eluding him, and he found himself wandering down to his workshop at 1:40 am. It was the one place where he could still find a trace of sanity; due to the fact that his assortment of houseguests had not yet breached its perimeter. Before he passed through his living room, however, he heard a very familiar however unexpected voice. This voice was almost always the first and last he heard every day (excepting JARVIS, naturally). On this occasion, Pepper's voice was accompanied by another which was slightly less familiar but becoming increasingly more so. He slowly sneaked a glance around the corner...

_Since when do Peps and Agent have midnight tea parties? Without me? _Tony puzzled as watched them like an iron ninja in the shadows.

"Call me crazy, Phil, but I don't think he's as awful as everyone seems to think. I know he's done bad things, but that doesn't mean he's a horrible person… does it?"

_Aww, they're talking about me. _

"Well, hundreds of innocent people _are _dead because of him, not to mention he almost decimated all of New York due to unresolved daddy issues."

_Ouch, that's a little harsh, Agent. _

"I'm not saying that heshould be forgiven for that, I just feel like… I don't know." There was a pause, and Tony knew she must be taking a lengthly sip of tea. "Like he deserves a chance to be something different… maybe even do some good. I mean, he seems so clever…"

_Thanks, I guess. Are you even talking about me? _

"You know, Miss Potts, I used to think there _was _some good in everyone. That bad people were the product of bad situations, and problems like that could go away with a few hugs. Then I started working for SHIELD. And I learned the hard way that bad people just _happen, _without rhyme or reason. And even if you think you can, there's no way to really understand what goes through their minds. This is coming from someone who makes a living trying to do just that."

"I'm not saying I understand him… I'm just saying I feel bad for the guy."

_At this point I really fucking hope they're not talking about me. _

There's a creak of the couch and the soft thud of steps as Phil climbs to his feet. And a soft _patpat _as he touches Pepper's shoulder gently.

"Don't feel too bad for Loki, Miss Potts. There are worse punishments that being confined to _this _house."

_Oh. Loki. Duh. Not me. Okay._

"Oh you'd be surprised how much it can feel like a detention centre sometimes. But I get what you're saying."

"Goodnight, Virginia."

"Goodnight, Phillip."

They went their separate ways, and Tony did a very spectacular and completely silent roll-twist maneuver to slide himself under a coffee table as Pepper slipped by. Because who really wants to be caught eavesdropping in their own house? Seriously, people.

Once the coast was clear, he continued on his way down to the workshop.

He fell asleep with his face on a rotor before he could get anything accomplished.

* * *

Yaay for Coulson. I think his friendship with Pepper in the movie is toooo adorable so I had to pay homage. Also, bitchy!Clint was super fun to write. I've grown really fond of him :] of course his character is exaggerated here, but appropriately so since he really has it out for Loki.

Beware, next chapter... we're hitting the mall! Ever wanted to go shopping with the Avengers? Your dream is about to come true.

Remember, every time you sub/fave without reviewing, a cute baby version of your favourite animal dies.

RXP


	8. Avengers VS Mall Cops

And we're back! Not the longest wait ever, I suppose. I really enjoyed writing this chapter so I wrote fairly big chunks at a time :) It might be my favourite so far.

Thanks to all you beauties and your long reviews, YOU are what keeps me going! And massive Hulk Hugs going out to **SunnyBubbles**, **TheFairyPrincessNinja-OcAbuser**, and **Faith Altoire**. Because these remarkable people have offered to make me... HOUSE ARREST FANART! SQUEEE!

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**This chapter is dedicated to _TheAvengersHeadcanons_, the world's most beautiful Tumblr blog. When I need a shot of inspiration to push me to write just _one _more paragraph, this is where I go. The little tidbits of beautiful writing on this blog will make you laugh, cry, squee, and hug yourself in pure glee. Thank you for existing, _TAH_! You're amazing!**

**XOXO**

**AND ALSO FOR CHRIS EVANS BECAUSE HE'S 31 TODAY**

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAPSICLE! **

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Anyway, this is the much-anticipated mall chapter. I hope it is everything you wished for :)

* * *

_**the Avengers VS the Mall Cops of Malibu**_

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At 7:30 am, the lock on Loki's room automatically shut off for the day and the god of mischief eagerly crept out, leaving the stupid red and gold blankets in a wrinkled heap on the floor. He wandered up to the kitchen, with the intention to make himself a small breakfast and then head out to the balcony so he could look out over the ocean. Maybe even use up the last of Stark's precious premium-grade medium-roast coffee beans. Yes, that sounded like a solid start to the day… the only problem was, there was already somebody on the balcony.

Banner was lying in the hammock, holding some technology-related magazine. A stack of a dozen more were sitting on the floor beside him. Tony had an archive of every magazine he'd ever been featured in, and Bruce was apparently doing some catching-up. He hadn't yet noticed he had a visitor; Loki had made absolutely no noise when he slid the screen door open and stepped out. Now he stood and observed the man in the hammock; he certainly did look extremely relaxed when he wasn't, ahem, _green_. But still Loki found himself fighting a rapidly rising pulse, accompanied by a flashback of a huge hand closing around his ankle, and being wrenched into the air, whipped around like a rag doll, and the stone floor flying up to meet him.

It should come as no surprise that Loki wasn't exactly eager to spend quality time with the Hulk's alter ego, no matter how mild-mannered he appeared in the slowly rising California sun. Unfortunately for the god of mischief, the moment he turned to leave was the moment Banner looked up from his article on the arc reactor.

"Good morning." the scientist greeted, without a trace of malice in his voice.

"Is it?" Loki replied carefully, half-expecting the man to turn green and roar.

"I thought so." Bruce shrugged, going back to his article without so much as a batted eyelid.

If it had been any other Avenger, Loki most likely would _not_ have slowly backed away and disappeared into the house. Had it been Thor or Rogers sitting there, he would have struck up a conversation about iPods or some other sort of nonsense they wouldn't understand, just to make them feel inferior. If it had been Stark, he would have simply spilled his drink, his reaction alone would have been sufficiently amusing. Had it been Barton and Romanoff, he had plenty of TMI material that would have made for some very awkward looks on their part, and a lot of entertainment on Loki's.

But this was Banner; and Loki knew there was a difference between being gutsy and being stupid. Since he was often the former and never one to be the latter, he elected to retreat. He could go the rest of his immortal life without being Hulk-smashed again, and it would suit him just fine.

Once he was safely back in his room (funny, _safe _had previously never been a word he'd imagined using to describe this place) his pulse returned to its normal rate, and he took a calming ice-cold shower during which he elected to move _escape _considerably higher up his list of priorities. The free food (and entertainment) had been fun when it was just him and the Three Stooges, but he hadn't expected them to call in the backup so soon; this could potentially get ugly. Loki was a confident fellow, but he was also realistic. He was literally caged and powerless against those who'd defeated him at the height of his strength. He wasn't a fan of those odds.

Deep in thought, he used up the last few globs of Pepper's expensive conditioner without realizing it.

###

_2 Hours Later; breakfast._

"Pray tell, why do you Midgardians take such great pains to prepare great festivities on one's date of birth?" Thor pondered through a mouthful of waffle.

"I know this one! Because everyone likes to feel special on their birthday. It's just something we do." Steve supplied.

"You're not wrong. The ancients celebrated not because some edict said, "celebrate," but because of practical everyday experience, like all astrological lore. The wise men noticed that when the sun hit the same spot in the heavens against the zodiac backdrop that it held on a person's birthday... well, that day turned out to be extremely fortunate-" Bruce further clarified.

"Thank you for that, Jolly Green." Clint muttered. "Now someone kindly pass the sprinkles."

"Think fast!" Tasha barked, flinging the can of sprinkles full-force at the master marksman's face. He plucked it out of thin air as though it had merely been floating in front of him.

"Since when do sprinkles come standard with waffles?" Steve pondered bemusedly.

"Since the time I was misfortunate enough to eat a waffle without them." Tony shrugged. "My friend, the blandness was unimaginable."

"I wasn't done answering Thor's question." Bruce pointed out.

"Save it, pal." Tony replied, patting the scientist's shoulder sympathetically. "Nobody in this house appreciates real intelligence."

"Oh, my question has indeed be answered. Do not trouble yourselves any further. I am… not confused in the slightest." said Thor placatingly.

"You are a _terrible_ liar." Tony smirked.

"That was actually positively _stealthy _compared to a day in our youth when he broke our father's oldest spear and tried to blame it on me. Halfway through his explanation to Mother, he started sobbing. And naturally, he was too dense to think she would notice so he kept talking until he was utterly indecipherable. Needless to say, Mother knew the truth before the oaf even opened his mouth." Loki contributed offhandedly. Thor turned redder than his cape and looked terribly hurt.

"O-_kay_, before Thor has a breakdown, let's get back to addressing our current issue." Pepper called authoritatively over the teasing of the waffle-munching Avengers. "What the hell do you get a director of an international top-secret security organization for his birthday? Also, do we even know how old the man is?"

"His year of birth isn't listed _anywhere _in the SHIELD database, and I'm sure you'll believe me when I say I have searched above and beyond the level seven clearance files." Coulson replied.

"Some people are sensitive about their age." Bruce shrugged.

"You did _not _just use _sensitive _as a Fury adjective." Tony snorted.

"Maybe there's more to him than meets the eye?" Steve offered.

"…_Eye!_" Tony cracked up.

"Ever the mature one, you are." Steve noted. However no one heard this because it was drowned out by the sudden and thunderous laughter of Thor who had apparently understood the joke.

"We'll worry about the number of candles later." Pepper spoke up, silencing Thor by handing him a fresh PopTart. "Our mission today is finding a gift that he…umm… won't completely hate."

"And decorations." Clint added unconcernedly. "I said I'd get the decorations but then I remembered I don't know shit all about decorating."

Tasha rolled her eyes and muttered something about the redundancy of men.

"Oo-kay. Decorations added to the list." said Pepper as she typed it into her phone's memo pad. "What else?"

"Cake. Miscellaneous food items. Hats. Party favours. Candles. One of those things you hit with baseball bats and candy falls out. Did I mention decorations?" Clint replied.

"Only three times. Don't worry, it's on the list."

"Barton, I can clearly see that you're a party planner extraordinaire, but I've spotted a flaw in your grand design." said Loki critically. "If this festivity supposed to be on the Helicarrier, how do you propose to maintain the _surprise _factor?"

"Easy, killer. Give me a second here! I'm still trying to remember what the beatable candy thingers are called!"

"You have put absolutely no thought into this, have you?" Tasha interrogated with a hint of amusement in her tone.

"They're pinatas." Bruce whispered in an attempt to save Clint's dignity.

"Pinatas! There. _Now_ we can worry about the location." Clint stated triumphantly.

"I can take care of Fury. I'll keep him out of the way long enough for you to set up. I recommend the meeting room on the main level." Phil contributed.

"See? Party planning's a piece of cake." said Clint with a grin.

"Speaking of. What kind of cake does Fury like?" Pepper inquired.

"No idea." the Hawk shrugged.

"Okay. What does he like to eat for dinner?"

"How am I supposed to know? Jeezus, you people and your questions."

"It's kind of necessary information, Clint." Tasha reprimanded. "Help us out, Agent?"

"Unfortunately I have no idea." said Coulson ruefully. "I've never actually seen the man eat. I'll check the database but I doubt he's got his cake preferences listed in any of SHIELD's documents."

"I'll get JARVIS to hack SHIELD's security cameras to see if we can catch him having lunch or something." Tony offered eagerly. Coulson affixed him with a reproachful stare. "What? Don't tell me you're against gathering intelligence from your intelligence organization that happens to fear intelligence."

"You can hack the international secret agency in the car, Tony. It's time to go. I want to get to the mall as soon as it opens." said Pepper sternly.

"What is this land known as _mall _of which you speak?" Thor cut in. "Is it similar to _work?_"

"Oh you'll see, buddy." Tony answered with a wicked grin.

"Just for the record, I'm absolutely dreading this." said Steve. "I never liked shopping..."

###

It took two carloads to transport the gang to the biggest mall in Malibu. Clint, Tasha, Steve, and Pepper rode with Coulson in his (well technically, SHIELD's) fully loaded Acura. Meanwhile, Thor, Loki, Bruce, and Tony cruised in the limo with Happy. There was a frightening moment where they got cut off by a Smartcar and Bruce almost Hulked, but Tony thought quickly and struck up a conversation about nuclear diffusion to calm him down. At this point, Loki casually rolled up the window which he had been prepared to jump out of to avoid being Hulk-smashed again. Luckily, no one had noticed a thing.

Once everyone had entered the mall in one piece, there was a brief scuffle as Thor immediately marched over to a gourmet giant pretzel stand and chowed down. Mall personnel didn't take it very well, and Thor swatted away 3 security guards before Steve managed to haul him away to a quiet corner where he gently explained the concept of paying for food. To prevent charges from being pressed, Tony bought the entire pretzel stand. This delighted not only Thor, but Clint as well.

"You know, you're supposed to go to at least 3 stores before you hit the food court, or else you look like slobs." Tasha contributed boredly. "Basic mall rules."

"This isn't technically part of the food court." Tony clarified. "This is now Stark Pretzels, and we are independent, thank you very much."

"May we bring it back with us to the House of Stark?" Thor pleaded. "These twisted salted loaves would be a most delightful compliment to PopTarts I cherish so."

"That's a project for another day, Thor." said Pepper, patting him gently on the shoulder. "Let's stay focused here."

Thor pouted. Clint did too, only slightly less obviously. Tasha took a stand at the front of the group beside Pepper, who was holding several lists.

"Okay, we're going to divide and conquer here. Since Barton has proved he has absolutely no forethought or organizational skills, it is up to us to organize this entire Godforsaken event, which means buying _all _of the party supplies. Pepper and I have sorted you into focus groups; your group will bring back _all _of your designated items. Or _else_."

"And you really don't want to know what _else _means." Clint chipped in.

"Tony, Bruce and Steve. You're in charge of the snacks and the gift. We're keeping Thor off the snack team for obvious reasons. Here's the list, _stick to it._" Pepper ordered, handing it to Steve.

"Okay, I know what most of this stuff- wait, what the heck is sushi?" Steve asked in bamboozlement as he scanned the list.

"Ew, no. No to the raw fish." Tony snapped. "Not happening. What the hell kinda birthday party has raw fish?"

"One where the theme is _tropical_, which this one is." Natasha replied indifferently. "We made an executive decision in the car."

"_Are you on crack? _This is Nick Fury's birthday we're talking about here. Oh God, I am _so _deleting all evidence that I was ever involved with this. He's gonna blow up the helicarrier when he sees-" Clint fumed, but was promptly cut off by a certain Agent Coulson:

"Breathe, Mr. Barton. I happen to have found a very reliable source that tells me Director Fury's 8th birthday was celebrated in a tropical theme, and it happened to be his favourite ever. There will be no blowing up of the helicarrier. At least on this particular occasion…"

"How'd you manage that?" Tony demanded.

"Your JARVIS and I apparently make a very efficient team." Phil explained lighly.

"Just for the record, people whose first name _isn't _Agent aren't permitted to use JARVIS for extensive database hacking. Let this be a lesson to all of you."

"Tony, are you done? Because we've got quite a bit we need to accomplish today." Pepper spoke up sternly.

"Tropical snacks. Got it." Tony concluded.

"Good. Okay, Clint and Thor, you're in charge of decorations."

"What, pray tell, is the purpose of these _decorations _of which you speak?" Thor inquired.

"They make the room pretty. So to clarify, no purpose at all." Clint explained boredly. "Ugh Nat, you _would _put me on decoration detail. Is this payback for Budapest?"

"Is it?" the redhead shrugged. "Alright guys, that leaves Pepper, Coulson and I to get the main course and order the cake. Loki can come with us."

"Oh, _spectacular!" _the dark god drawled. It was impossible to gauge his level of sarcasm.

"Why do the women get to be in charge of the most important part?" Clint whined.

"The answer's in the question, Barton." Tasha quipped. Pepper explained further:

"Because if it was up to you guys, Fury would be eating a… um… Bilchsteim steak on his birthday, or a -"

"Giant donut?" Tony contributed.

"Yeah and seeing as it's not in your best interests to get on his bad side for the rest of your lives, you're just going to have to trust us on this one." she concluded.

"Has Fury ever expressed any interest in running his own pretzel business?" Tony suggested to Coulson, gesturing at the pretzel stand they were crowded around.

"We'll keep that idea on the back burner, Mr. Stark." Coulson replied mildly.

"Avengers, disassemble! AND BEHAVE." Pepper dispatched the gang.

"Come on Pepper, we saved the entire planet. I nuked outer space. We have a Hulk. And this is a mall. What's the worst that could happen?" a departing Tony called over his shoulder.

"That's exactly what worries me." Pepper muttered in an undertone. Natasha looked stuck between sympathy and amusement.

###

Well for starters, Thor managed to clear the entire men's bathroom by accidentally activating the automatic hand soap dispenser and then acting in panicked self-defence which equalled giving the plastic device the fist-beating of its life. Clint, who was waiting on a bench outside, watched man after man speed out of the room, shooting nervous looks back over their shoulders. Then just as expected, Thor walked out a minute later, completely covered in foamy soap but looking very triumphant. Clint didn't have to ask.

###

Meanwhile on the other side of the mall, Steve spied a store with a very intriguing name - _American Apparel. _Although he was always very modest with his appearance, he couldn't help but delightedly drag Bruce and Tony inside, ignoring Tony's protests that the store's name was in fact misleading. He left 5 minutes later with nothing but an expression of disappointment and a plain blue t-shirt purchased for him by a sympathetic Bruce.

"I warned you, buddy." Tony sighed as Steve rubbed his eyes in an effort to erase the neon colours that had been seared into his retinas.

"They need to change their name. There is nothing _remotely_ patriotic about this store!"

"What, were you expecting them to sell pet eagles?"

"Well, no, I guess not… wait, is that a thing now? Do people actually have pet eagles?" Steve looked wildly hopeful for a moment.

"_You _don't." Tony replied in a very final way. "Remember the 10 Stark Commandments? No pets."

Steve's face fell, until Bruce very quietly suggested that if he _really _wanted a pet, he should go ask Pepper.

###

Thor and Clint had hit up the party supply store with full force, and it was a force to be reckoned with. Thor had been both delighted and baffled by everything he'd seen in the mall, and this store topped it all.

"Friend Barton! I had no idea the papers of the toilet came in such a vast rainbow of colours!"

"That's not toiler paper, Thor. Those are streamers. They go on the walls. Wait, would toilet paper be cheaper than streamers? Because we could just get a whole bunch of toilet paper. White's a tropical colour, right?"

"Forgive my limited knowledge of Midgardian customs, but I do not believe hanging the papers of the toilet upon the walls would impress the Man of Fury."

"Probably right." Clint muttered. "Whatever, Stark's footing the bill for this one anyway. Grab all the streamers you can carry!"

Thor didn't hesitate to lift the entire shelf off the floor and prepared to dump it into the cart.

"Easy man, not _that_ many. Just grab some 'tropical' colours, whatever the hell that means. God, why they put the two of us on the decorating committee is such a mystery."

Thor dropped the shelf with an ominous _crunch _and proceeded to scoop up every shade of red he could find. Then a few blues for good measure. Clint joined in and picked up a roll of gold and another in light green, then orange. Those went in the cart too. Finally, Clint gingerly picked up a roll of neon pink.

"Girls like this shit, right?"

Thor shrugged.

Into the cart it went.

###

"California rolls or spicy dynamite? I can't choose, I like them both." Pepper interrogated, holding up a tray of free samples in front of Tasha, Coulson, and Loki. They'd made fast tracks to Pepper's favourite sushi bar, Mac's.

"Sushi is of Japanese origin, is it not?" Loki wondered, glancing at the sign.

"Yeah…"

"Are we sure this _Mac _fellow is a qualified sushi chef? His name sounds most decidedly Scottish." the slender immortal whispered conspiratorially.

"It's fine, Reindeer Games." Tasha rolled her eyes and took a bite of a spicy dynamite. Phil selected a California roll.

"Fine if you think feeding non-authentic sushi to the Director is acceptable, I suppose." Loki shrugged, taking a sample of each.

"Do we even know if he _likes _sushi at this point?" said Pepper.

"At this point our safest bet is to bring everything we can carry and hope he actually runs on _food _like a normal human being." Phil replied. "I vote California rolls, by the way."

However, the other two then became distracted by the spectacle of Loki engaging in a loud argument with "Mac" in what seemed to be Japanese. Several minutes of intense and undecipherable words later, the god walked away with four giant party trays of sushi which he'd gained absolutely free of charge and wearing a very smug smile.

"What just happened there?" Tasha demanded, hurrying after Loki.

"I won a bet." the trickster replied with a shrug. "Would you like to help me carry of these?"

"What was the bet?" the assassin pressed, taking a tray.

"That his real name wasn't actually Mac."

Pepper stifled a laugh.

"…Since when can you speak Japanese?"

Loki rolled his emerald eyes.

"I'm from an entirely different realm, Ms. Potts. Yet you never even asked how I know English. You Americans think yours is the official language of the Universe, don't you?"

Natasha then replied sharply in Russian. Loki uttered back with equal fluence. Suddenly, they were gabbing like old friends. Old Russian friends.

Coulson and Pepper exchanged a quizzical look, and ushered the others off in the direction of the gourmet bakery.

###

"Doritos or Party Mix?" Bruce inquired, holding up two enormous bags in the snack aisle.

"What kind of question is that? Doritos. Always Doritos." Tony shot back reproachfully.

"Wouldn't Party Mix make more sense? Look, there's even Doritos in it." Steve suggested.

Tony heaved a terribly impatient sigh.

"Steven, I don't know if anyone's told you, but Party Mix also includes pretzels. _Pretzels_. And not the giant ones. Hard, tiny, crunchy, abhorrent _pretzels. _It's like the equivalent of someone putting wood chips in a bag of candy._"_

Steve's face slowly morphed from confusion to gladness.

"I _love_ pretzels!"

"Me too!" Bruce agreed, tossing not one but two bags of Party Mix into the cart. Tony retaliated with a bag of Doritos in every flavour.

"Okay, on to the candy section before someone gets hurt." Bruce diffused the situation as Tony glared at Steve over the cart. Just then, his phone went off.

"Good lord, don't they know I have things to do?" he whipped his phone out of his pocket and answered: "You've reached the life model decoy of - Barton? Okay, slow down. What's your issue? ….He did_ what? …._Wow. Okay… actually, come to think of it, I'm not even surprised. Hang on, we'll be there in a few." he clicked the phone off and stowed it back in his pocket.

"What?" Steve and Bruce demanded in unison.

"Thor went for a swim. In the fountain by the food court. This time, security got him." Tony reported.

"But how are they keeping him? He could wipe them all out with one hand." Steve wondered.

"Barton said something about a taser." Tony replied with a raised eyebrow. "The fact that he would've been soaking wet when he got tased probably worked against him. This I have experienced. Anyway, time to go break him out of jail. The Twizzlers will have to wait."

"Malls have jails?" Steve gasped.

"Hardly. They have little rooms with second-rate lock systems. I also know that from experience. JARVIS will eat it for breakfast."

"Why can't Thor just smash his way out?" asked Bruce.

"He's probably still lying on the floor twitching." Tony smirked as he raced towards the checkout with his companions in hot pursuit. "Being tased puts you out of commission for a while."

"You would know that." Bruce sighed.

###

Within 10 minutes, the Avengers minus one god had assembled in the food court, just beside the door that led to the security area. They were crowded in the largest booth they could find; around Tony's phone on which JARVIS was hacking into the mall's security system.

"Almost… almost… ah, we're in. God, I haven't seen such weak software since I hacked HammerTech and set off his fire alarms and indoor sprinkler system." Tony snorted.

"Tony, what did I tell you about bullying Justin?" Pepper reprimanded.

"He started it."

"I want Shawarma." Clint announced boredly.

"_After _we break Thor out." Tasha promised.

"But I'm hungry _now_!"

"I found him!" Tony yelled triumphantly, setting the phone in the middle of the table for everyone to see. On the screen was a live feed of a security camera that lay somewhere behind the nearby door; depicting a view of a small windowless white-brick room with one small bench. Beneath the bench lay a very distraught-looking Thor. He also didn't look entirely conscious, maybe 30 or 40 percent so. He looked to be drooling out of the corner of his mouth.

"You wouldn't be able to get the security video of him actually getting tasered, would you?" Loki inquired offhandedly.

"I'll see what I can do about that, man." Tony replied lightly.

"Oh God, the poor thing." Pepper cringed.

"He'll be fine. He actually looks pretty good for someone who's been recently tasered while in the water." Phil explained.

"Of _course _you know that." Tony mumbled darkly. "I wonder if the mall cops are watching _Supernanny_ while he drools on the floor, hmm?"

"I've heard mall cops prefer _Dance Moms_." the Agent retorted with a small smile.

"Hey. I like _Dance Moms_." Clint interjected. "It's a good show, okay?"

"I watched that with Pepper the other day!" Steve added. "What is it with this century and reality shows? I'll never understand the attraction."

"_Dance Moms _is a emotional journey that everyone can relate to!" Clint snapped defensively.

"Is there a chance we may be getting a _tiny _bit off-topic?" said Tony in frustration. "Okay, here's the plan. Legolas and Widow are going to take the guards out. I'll crack the locks. Agent and Reindeer Games can keep watch. And Jolly Green and Capsicle will carry Point Break out."

"Excuse me, I can't Hulk out in here." said Bruce, raising his eyebrows.

"Didn't say you had to." Tony shrugged. "You and Cap _can _handle holding up a little Demigod without the Other Guy's help, can't you?"

"We've got it." Steve affirmed. "I can't picture Thor walking outta there on his own power. Poor fella."

"Okay then. Let's do this." Tony grinned manically.

"How are we taking care of the guards? I've got… let's see here." Tasha rummaged in her purse. "Grenades, nunchucks, poison gas… and a taser. We could give 'em a shot of their own medicine."

"You keep all that in your purse?" Pepper gasped in astonishment.

"You don't?" the assassin shrugged.

"Hang on a sec, we don't need to kill the mall cops. They're probably more scared of Thor than he is of them." Bruce commented.

"I doubt that very much." Loki muttered.

"Either way, I'm sure we can do this without offing them. What about a distraction instead?" the Doctor continued.

"Oh, I _suppose_." Tasha sighed in disappointment, tucking her taser back in her purse.

"Laaaaaaame." Clint complained.

"So, since our assassins aren't allowed to assassinate, what's the plan?" asked Tony.

"Okay, this mall has 5 security guards working at a time. All we have to do is make sure they're all occupied, as far away from here as possible. Thor's TKO, so they won't think twice about leaving his room unattended. This mall also has 5 wings, so one guard each. Clint, Tash, Loki, Tony, and Phil are each going to create a diversion in every corner. While the guards are running around like chickens with their heads cut off, Steve, Pepper, and I will go fetch Thor."

"I like that plan." Tony concluded. "And I have the perfect diversion…"

"Just leave your clothes on, please?"

"Well shit, Pepper. It's a bit late to think of a different idea now."

"Okay then, leave your _underwear _on."

"You siphon the fun out of absolutely everything, did you know that?"

"Yes."

"Good."

"Avengers, disassemble!" Phil ordered, making a shooing motion with his hands. "And don't forget to wear your earpieces!"

"Wait, what about Reindeer- I mean, Loki?" Steve asked as the diversionists dispersed down their separate hallways. "Have we considered the fact that we're leaving him unattended in public and literally just _told _him to go create chaos?"

"He's not going to go AWOL. Trust me." Pepper replied.

"How do you know?" Steve asked.

"Because he wants to help Thor, just like the rest of us." she shrugged as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Good call." said Steve, looking rather baffled by her insight, but nonetheless agreeable.

"Now, we watch and wait." Bruce added, pulling out his phone (a recent gift from Tony) that was also JARVIS-integrated. It immediately picked up the security camera feeds from everywhere in the mall. "I feel like we should get some popcorn or something."

The remaining trio searched out the other 5 on the many screens. Tony was hanging around harmlessly at Stark Pretzels. Clint was… what the? Oh lord, he'd somehow gotten into the ceiling above the cinema and seemed to be preparing to rappel down a wall. Coulson was sitting unassumingly in a coffee shop, nibbling a donut. Tasha was standing in front of a jewellery store and casually rummaging in her purse. And Loki was casually stalking over to a water fountain.

"Diversions in 5…4…3…2…1. _Go._" Bruce whispered.

The reactions were instantaneous. It was unclear what exactly Loki did, but the contents of whatever pipes lay under the fountain were suddenly spraying everything in a 50-foot radius. Tasha simply set off a small grenade and promptly disappeared. An X-rated dance party had sprang up out of nowhere at Stark Pretzels, complete with a strobe light and pumping music, no doubt the work of JARVIS. People were gathering around rapidly. Clothes were flying. Coulson had apparently blown up part of the bakery, for the air was thick with what looked like powdered sugar. And finally, Clint's shriek of "SUCK IT, KATNISS!" could be heard as a flurry of arrows went flying into a Hunger Games movie poster as he swung Tarzan-style through the air.

"I didn't think he brought his weapons in with him." Pepper gasped finally, taking it all in.

"He told me he keeps a collapsible quiver in his wallet." Steve explained.

"And… there they go!" Bruce announced happily as a flock of guards went racing by. "Let's do this."

Pepper demolished the lock on the main security door within seconds, thanks to a tiny picking device Tony had given her several years ago. However, the door on the room where Thor was being kept proved to be too much for it, so Steve was forced to twist the handle off completely, while apologizing profusely for the damage.

"Poor thing!" Pepper reiterated, immediately rushing over to the massive blond figure who had not moved an inch.

"Mnfplbf… La- Lady… Potts?" Thor gurgled pathetically as she knelt beside him. "Friend Rogers? Friend Banner? How have you entered the impenetrable fortress of _Security Center_?

"Shh, we're going to get you out of here."

"What have the… mortals done to me? This is the second occasion… they have disabled me with their… invisible lightning!" the god croaked. "This time was considerably more devastating.. from what I can recall."

"Probably because you were knee-deep in water, and that stuff doesn't play well with electricity." Pepper explained gently, patting his head.

"What is… this electricity of which you speak?"

"Nevermind. Can you stand?"

"I can attempt to, although I will undoubtedly be unsuccessful."

"We've got your back, Big Guy." Bruce grinned, stepping forward and gently taking hold of one of Thor's arms, while Steve took the other. "On 3. 1…2…3."

There was a considerable amount of pulling, stumbling, and "Oh-God-He's-On-My-Foot"-ing, but Thor was finally standing upright. Although swaying considerably, his face bore a grittily determined expression as Steve and Bruce slowly walked him out of the room. Steve cursed;

"It's gonna take us forever to get out to the cars like this. Security will be back before we've left the food court."

Bruce but his lip, lacking a solution. Not to worry, though.

"I've got this. I'll meet you back at the table near the Shawarma place." said Pepper, quickly fleeing the room.

It took several stress-filled minutes of uncoordinated shuffling, Steve and Bruce half-expecting security to come bursting in on them, but they finally made it back to the food court where Pepper was waiting for them, with…

"What the heck is that?" Steve inquired apprehensively.

"Is that what I think it is?" Bruce chuckled. "Pepper, I think you might be the _real _genius of Stark Industries."

Somehow she'd procured a sort of electric wheelchair, one of those which people rent at malls in cases where walking around on foot is impossible or difficult. Luckily, Thor didn't have any objections to being dropped unceremoniously into it. Although he did jump in shock when the thing began to move, seemingly of it's own accord. Pepper walked beside him and worked the steering mechanism. Thor looked rather uncomfortable, but accepted the situation and clearly had the presence of mind not to draw attention to himself. They were joined by Coulson who was on his way back from what used to be the coffee shop.

"Did you _have _to blow the place up? They made good scones." Pepper greeted him.

"It wasn't my intention to blow it up!" Phil replied indignantly. "I was going to hack their loudspeaker system and announce free donuts for all on-duty security guards. But the signal from my device had an… um, _unexpected_ reaction with whatever ingredient they were using in their donuts, and it went boom." the Agent shrugged. "Long story short, I think that shop is a front for nuclear cyanide. I've already reported it."

"Oh. Well alright then." Pepper blinked.

They hustled out to the parking lot as quickly as possible, then stuffed Thor into the back seat of the limo where he had room to stretch out, as he appeared to be on the verge of passing out again. Happy turned around in the driver's seat, took one look at the drooling Asgardian and assumed the facial expression of someone who'd just been sentenced to a life of babysitting the spawn of Satan himself.

"He'll be fine." Coulson commented, replying to everyone's unspoken question as he slipped into the seat of his Acura. "His system just needs time to pull itself together. And, um, you might want to wipe that drool off the seat before Stark gets back here."

"You'd think a _God of Thunder_ would have a higher tolerance for a little electric shock." Steve contributed skeptically.

"There's a scientific explanation for why standard Earth electricity can affect him, but you wouldn't understand so I'm just going to chalk it up to the fact that he was partially submerged in water at the time." Bruce sighed.

"I'm sure Tony would love to hear all about it." Pepper smiled, patting the scientist on the arm. "You know how he loves his electricity."

And there he was, right on cue. Sprinting across the parking lot with Tasha, Clint, and Loki in close pursuit. And a considerably larger army of mall cops closing in on them.

"I'M IRON MAN, _I AM IRON MAN!_ I'M TONY STARK! YOU CAN SEE MY TOWER FROM HERE! DO YOU PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND ENGLISH? MI NAMO ES IRON MAN? JAI'MAPPELLE IRON MAN? DO YOU KNOW I COULD HAVE YOU DEPORTED TO MADAGASCAR? STOP CHASING ME!" the billionaire screwball was hollering over his shoulder as he ran. "THIS ISN'T WORKING! HAPPY, PUT IT IN DRIVE!"

Happy obliged, with a long-suffering sigh. Pepper reached up and patted him on the shoulder. With a screech of the tires, Happy swerved out in front of Tony, who dove headfirst through the open window. Once Tasha, Clint, and Loki had piled into Coulson's car, the gang vacated the parking lot faster than a flying nuke.

###

"Of all the ignorant ungrateful… what part of _truth is, I am Iron Man _did those donut-quaffers not understand? I've saved the world like, 3 or 4 times now, and they _still _think it's illegal for me to remove my pants in a public facility? _God, _the _nerve _of some people! _I nuked outer space for them!_" Tony fumed on the ride home.

"Hold that thought, Tony. I'm getting a call." said Pepper boredly, picking up her buzzing phone. Caller ID read _Coulson Cell, _but it wasn't the agent's cool collected voice on the other end when she put it on speaker.

"Is this… am I doing this correctly? Erm, alright then." Loki's voice was slightly muffled, speaking with someone in the background. Then it cleared: "Pepper?"

"Hello there." she greeted him with as much friendliness as she could with Tony glaring as soon as he recognized the voice.

"Is… is my brother… conscious?" the trickster inquired more earnestly than she ever would have thought possible for him. Thor still wasn't all there, but he'd managed to prop himself up on the seat and was mindlessly pulling the automatic window switch back and forth. At least he'd stopped drooling.

"He is now." Pepper responded.

"Oh. will there be any lasting damages?" The hopefulness in his voice was as fake as his everyday smile. Pepper picked up on his genuine concern like a bloodhound on a drug bust.

"Nope, he's going to make a full recovery."

Up and down Thor's window went.

"What a shame." Loki commented in a voice that was anything but disappointed.

"Would you like to talk to him?" Pepper inquired, unable to hide her smile. Tony rolled his eyes at her.

"Ah, if you _insist, _I suppose_. _If it would make the great oaf feel any better."

"Here he is." said Pepper. She then held the phone out for Thor. "Hey, Thor. Someone wants to talk to you."

He gingerly picked up the device, and held it with a still-shaking hand.

"Salutations?"

"Oh hello, you." Loki greeted in a voice of attempted disinterest.

"Brother!" Thor answered, sounding more than surprised. He sat up a little straighter and held the phone a little closer.

"How are you feeling?"

"Very odd. My mind is fogged and my limbs uncooperative."

"Well, that's what you get for taking a dip in the Midgardian's decorative waterfall arrangement, I suppose."

"I know not of their customs! The land of _mall _is a strange realm with rules that do not make sense."

"Well, did you at least leave your clothes on?"

"Verily."

"Good. Mother would be ever so proud."

"Indeed she would." Thor rumbled. His smile lit up the car. But the conversation was clearly moving into awkward waters, so Loki backpaddled.

"I must go. The Son of Coul, as you call him, requires use of his telephone."

The line went dead. Thor looked longingly out the back window at the Acura driving behind them. Phil waved. His phone was nowhere in sight.

Thor heaved a sad sigh and occupied himself by fiddling with the window button.

* * *

Yeahhh threw in some Thor 'n' Loki BroFluff :) because I couldn't NOT. Also I don't know how tasers work, so just go with it.

Mac's Sushi is a real place. My favourite place.

I think that's it.

REVIEW :) and I'm still accepting fanart. ALWAYS!

XO

RXP


	9. Burdened With A Glorious Problem

[I've been just casually ignoring the fact that I haven't updated since June. even though I started this chapter in July.]

BUT REALLY I AM SO SO SO SORRY. Summer was lazy and then suddenly a wild University appeared (which is awful by the way). And then Avengers came out on DVD and I was like okay it's time... it's not like I forgot about the fandom, I mean I have 2 posters and an Iron Man plushie in my room and I go on Tumblr more obsessively than ever but I just didn't have any writing motivation plus I didn't like the chapter and yadda yadda etc all the usual excuses.

This chapter is going out to Julia [the_ K-pop fiend who also spends time in the Avengers fandom with me now and then_], Katie [_who loudly fangirls over Dr Who and makes me feel like I live in Tumblr which is amazing_], and Braeden [_who gave me Iron Man 1&2 + Captain America on DVD and is therefore permanently safe from my wrath even though he didn't let my drunken self bring my movies to the bar_] ~ the only people on campus who know what a little nerd I really am, and the only people I've ever invited to read this ridiculous story.

* * *

_**burdened with a glorious problem**_

* * *

_Friday. Pre-birthday. 10 am._

Location: Stark mansion, ground level lounge. The gang had congregated on Tony's lavish collection of couches, armchairs, and even a beanbag chair that Bruce clearly favoured. They were deep in the throes of plotting the details of what promised to be an uphill battle. Saving the planet seemed like an inviting task in comparison. If you have previously made the assumption that the Avengers would be as adept at planning a birthday celebration worthy of Director Nicholas Fury as they are at dispatching a horde of Chitauri, it is now my duty to tell you that you are hopelessly, hilariously incorrect.

"We _have_ to use the main floor briefing room!" Clint fumed. "Do you know what I had to _do_ to book that on a Saturday?!"

"You flirted with the ugly secretary, didn't you?" Natasha rolled her eyes from across the couch.

"I...well..._yeah_! And it was _traumatic_!" Clint recanted.

"Don't say that about Gertrude. She cut my hair last month and did a great job." Tasha shot back

"But you just called her-"

"Can we talk about the possibility that we might be losing our focus?" Bruce offered cautiously.

"Better yet, can we talk about the possibility that we _still_ don't have a suitable birthday gift for Popeye?" Tony chipped in.

"I understood that reference!" Steve burst out, slamming his hands down on the coffee table triumphantly. It cracked down the middle. Tony shot him a Stark-patented death glare. Steve stuffed his hands in his pockets and whistled awkwardly.

"Pepppppperrrrrr, drag out the spare coffee table. There's been an incident." Tony called, punctuating it with a long-suffering sigh.

"Is the Hulk visiting?" the unconcerned reply drifted down the hallway. Bruce blushed.

"Not this time, Capsicle had an Eureka moment. Long story short, my coffee mug is tilting to the left and that's not okay."

"Did someone mention off-topic?" Tasha growled. Bruce raised his hand.

"I'm gonna tell Fury you called him Popeye if you don't stop calling me Katniss and/or Legolas." Clint informed Tony seriously.

"As if he's never heard that one before! But have it your way then... _Merida._" Tony shrugged.

"Disney Princesses now?! That was _entirely _below the belt!" Clint wailed in response.

"Don't like that? Okay. JARVIS, search names of beloved fictional archers. Preferably female."

"All of my servers are currently hunting for a suitable gift for Director Fury, are you quite sure you would like me to re-direct them?" JARVIS replied.

"Yes." Tony declared firmly.

"NO!" the rest of the room snapped in unison.

"In this particular case, I'll be inclined to side with your friends. Time is not on your side." said JARVIS in that unnervingly smarter-than-thou manner of his.

"Well then you better come up with something mind-blowingly brilliant." the genius billionaire playboy philanthropist growled, crossing his arms.

"So far, my top recommendation is a retired NASA space shuttle, they are available for only 1.7 billion dollars each. Delivery to your door is optional for an additional 10000$."

Tony's eyebrows shot so high up they looked to be in danger of disappearing into his hairline.

"Okay, let's just pretend for a minute that I'd ever spend 1.7 billion dollars on a man who locked a psychotic mass murderer in my house - no offence, Loki."

The trickster shrugged blandly in response, his attention consumed by the issue of _The National Enquirer _he held in his hands.

"What the hell would Fury ever do with a retired space shuttle? _Fly _it? Turn it into his own private jet? As if he doesn't have a few dozen of those sitting around already." Tony continued skeptically.

"Wait, think about what _we _could do with one of those things." Steve interjected. "We could start our own private space company! We could give space tours! We could go to Mars! We could visit Asgard! _WE COULD FIND OUR VERY OWN PLANET!_" for a moment he was overcome with such wild excitement, even Tony was reluctant to correct him.

"Oh, sweetheart…" Pepper sighed. Natasha and Clint face palmed. Thor looked around shiftily, unsure as to how he should be reacting. Bruce twitched uncomfortably at Steve's mess of scientific impossibilities. Loki, who had of course researched human-space relationships, snickered evilly.

"Take five!" Tony announced. "Capsicle, come take a walk with Banner and I. We're gonna umm… clear a few things up for ya."

"You're giving him the Space Talk, aren't you?" Pepper muttered.

"Ohh, are we ever." Bruce added determinedly as he and Tony escorted a very troubled-looking Steve out of the room.

"Our old boy is about to become a 21st century man!" Tony cackled.

Steve rolled his eyes and looked like he sincerely regretted ever opening his mouth. Exeunt the Science Bros plus one Supersoldier.

"Ladies Potts and Romanoff, Friend Coulson, were you successful in your quest to to procure one of the large pastries designated for the celebration of one's date of birth?" Thor piped up.

"Yeah Thor, we ordered the cake." Tasha rolled her eyes.

"Might I sample it? To ensure it has not been… erm, poisoned?" the mighty warrior enquired hopefully.

"We don't have it yet. We'll pick it up right before the party so it's fresh." Pepper explained. Thor's face fell dramatically. "But this is what it'll look like." She withdrew a computer-generated proof photo from her purse and handed it to Thor who examined it scrupulously.

"But why is there a black arachnid in the middle?" he inquired with perplexion.

"I think it looks more like a shark." Clint contributed with a frown.

"That's the SHIELD logo." Natasha sighed. "It's supposed to be a bird. We couldn't get tooooo specific with the decorators. National security and all."

"So I told them do do a vague bird shape. We'll neaten it up when we get it." Phil added.

"Why does it say Doctor Furry?" Clint inquired skeptically, squinting at the photo.

"_DR_ for _director _and _Furry _because we're not legally allowed to use his name and title in the general public. Didn't you read the legal disclosure paperwork?" Natasha shot back.

"I dimly remember being handed that. Then I set it down because I was eating Pringles. And then I'm pretty sure it blew out the window. The paperwork, not the Pringles. Thank God."

"Friend Barton, you did not save me any Pringles? I mightily enjoy the crisps of the cylindrical container." Thor frowned.

"That was about seven years ago, bud." Clint consoled his big blond friend with a pat on the shoulder.

Before Thor's face could fall too much, Pepper informed him that Tony often kept several cans of Pringles hidden beneath the cutlery drawer.

###

_Friday. Pre-birthday. 10 pm._

Time was never on the Avengers' side even in the best of situations, and this was certainly no exception. T'was the night before Fury's birthday and the closest thing to a proper gift they'd procured was a memory-gel moisturizing sleep mask - modified by Tony to cover just the right eye ("because we don't know what's is underneath the patch so let's just stay the hell away from it." Clint reasoned) and attach to the eyepatch strap so it would not be excessively cumbersome. Pepper had it monogrammed with a tidy little N.F. but yet it seemed inadequate. Thor offered to have a "mighty Asgardian steed worthy of the greatest Aesir nobility summoned to Midgard for which to make a gift to the Furious one" but Tony immediately vetoed that situation, being of the opinion that Fury would prefer his Acura over an animal that would "shit all over the helicarrier".

And they were back to square 1. Well, square 1.5 if you included the sleep mask. Which most of the Avengers didn't. Tony's in-house meeting room had been converted into a think tank. The walls were covered in whiteboards stocked with dry-erase markers in every colour known to man. Once Thor had gotten over his excitement at being able to draw the Rainbow Bridge in living colour, they'd set to work. And gotten absolutely nowhere in 5 hours.

"I give up. Let's throw him a Wal-Mart gift card and call it a day." Clint grunted after a particularly arduous minute of racking his brain.

"We might as well just buy him socks." Tony shot back peevishly.

"What about a puppy? I always wanted a puppy when I was a kid, but I was allergic." Steve suggested.

"Remember what I said? We're not getting a gift that _shits_." Tony snapped. Steve looked incredibly put out and mumbled out something that sounded like "but I promise I'd look after it..."

"What's wrong with the gift of sentiment; a good old-fashioned card with a cliche and heartwarming message? You mortals devour that drivel like candy." Loki contributed boredly, momentarily tearing his eyes away from an article about Brangelina and their army of exotic children. "Also, is there an explanation for why these people have deemed it necessary to steal an infant from every corner of the globe? Are the children aware they are no more than stolen relics raised to be used?" the immortal ranted bitterly.

Tony, Clint, and Tasha exchanged shrewd looks of alarm at the outburst. Bruce observed Loki with a thoughtful frown. Steve began to reach out to give Loki a pat on the shoulder but apparently thought better of it and crossed his arms awkwardly. Pepper looked sympathetic, and Coulson's face was simply unreadable. Thor shot a warning glare at his comrades, then looked at his brother with an expression between confusion and sadness.

"You all look like you need to go to bed." Pepper, ever the saviour, finally broke the impossible silence.

"Yeah, you're right, Peps...You know what that means. JARVIS, put on a pot of coffee!" Tony ordered.

Thor's head dropped loudly onto the table and he began to snore.

"Better make it quadruple expresso." Tony added.

"Preparing for a late night of scheming, are we Sir?" JARVIS commented.

"You know it, J. Got any more ideas for me?"

"I have presented you with 632 suggestions today and you have rejected all of them. Would you like me to continue searching?"

"Um _no_. Take a rest. You might break the internet. I don't want Google getting mad at me again."

"Thank you for your consideration, Sir." JARVIS replied with what sounded like a smirk.

"You should take a break too. Do some homework; take your mind off this birthday nonsense. Something will come to you." Pepper suggested. "Why don't you show everyone your plans for Avengers Tower?"

"Avengers Tower?" Steve, Clint, Bruce, Thor, and Tasha synchronized abruptly.

"Yeah, take a look at this." Tony began enthusiastically, plugging a chip into his handheld projector. A giant 3D hologram shape sprang up before them; a tower that resembled the one in Manhattan… only this one was labelled rather differently, displaying a different but very familiar symbol on each floor.

"Is that…" Clint shuffled up to the projection to investigate. "Dude, I get my own _floor?!_"

"We all do!" Bruce added excitedly. "Tony… is that what it looks like?"

"That depends. Does it look like your own private lab-slash-workshop with a built-in bakery?" Tony replied with a quirked eyebrow.

"Yeah it does. It really really does." Bruce exhaled, staring down into the glowing blueprints with an expression of pure astonishment and bliss.

"I get a workout room!" Steve noted enthusiastically. "And what the heck is tha… a freezer in my bedroom? TONY IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?"

"I told you he wouldn't like it. You owe me ten bucks." Pepper murmured to Tony under her breath. The genius sighed and reached into his pocket.

"What _is _this?" Tasha muttered in awe as she examined the 3D structure.

"Gentlemen, and lady… and Loki… say hello to Avengers Tower." Tony grinned, popping a blueberry triumphantly into his mouth. "I started working on this little gem last week, you know, since I had to renovate Stark Tower anyway…" -he paused for a moment to shoot a long-suffering face at Loki, who looked unfailingly unapologetic- "I had the original blueprints up, I got sidetracked, one thing led to another and my golden hands of genius inadvertently created this masterpiece. You're welcome."

"So… you're actually going to build this?" said Clint with poorly-masked awe.

"It's under construction as we speak. You know the third Stark Tower that's going up in the middle of the city? A few minor adjustments to the plans, and _that _will become _this._" the genius explained.

"And believe me when I say his crew is used to last-minute changes in construction plans." Pepper chipped in.

"So you mean to say we will be taking up residence in this small bundle of blue light?" Thor frowned, poking at the hologram projection. "I fail to see how we will all fit at once. It is not even as tall as I."

"Ah, buddy, this is just a scale model. The real thing will be a great big building." Steve corrected politely. Thor's expression went from flatlined to enlightened in less than a nanosecond.

"So we will have a mighty fortress at our command? With walls that speak and metallic creatures that roam the halls at will?" the God of Thunder boomed, gesturing at Dum-E who was seeming to nuzzle Steve's knee in an almost affectionate manner. In response, Steve gently patted the metal forcep that resembled a robotic head.

"Yeah I might have some old robots lying around I could spare you guys." Tony shrugged. "Although last I remember, you thought Dum-E was going to eat you."

"That was a misunderstanding. He saved me from burning to death. He is a friend." Thor replied firmly.

"So it's He now? Cute." Tony chuckled.

"Anyway, getting back to the question at hand, which you haven't gotten around to answering yet…" Bruce prompted, drawing the group's attention back to the hologram. "What _is _this?"

"This is what I was working on my laptop in de-brief the other week when Fury yelled at me to _'get off that damn Facebook and fill out your paperwork'_. It was just an idea at the time. I was planning on making a few freakshow-friendly modifications to Stark Tower. It was supposed to be a done-before-bedtime kind of thing. But around about 3am it started taking on a life of its own, and here we are. Everybody gets a floor."

"We could still each have our own floor in this house." Clint noted.

"Dream on, Robin Hood." Tony snorted. "Now as I was saying, Avengers Tower is going to become not only our official headquarters, but your full-time living establishment."

5 pairs of jaws hit the floor.

"Is this area for me?" Thor rumbled excitedly, pointing at the tiny hammer symbol marking the top floor.

"Sure is, buddy. Right under the lightning rod. Ideally positioned so the rest of the building won't, y'know, get demolished if you conjure up an intergalactic portal or whatever."

"My friend, it is certainly a worthy accommodation, but the elevator ride necessary to reach such a height must be extremely… arduous." Thor pointed out hesitantly. Those who had been with him in Stark Tower's elevator several days prior knew that by _arduous _he actually meant _terrifying_.

"I thought of that. And I gave you your very own little landing pad right _here_, so you can just fly in and out whenever you- _oooffffff_." Tony's explanation was cut off by a lung-crushing hug of gratitude from the mighty thunderer, who looked positively pleased as a peach.

"Mine's next!" Clint announced wickedly, surveying his designated floor scrutinously.

"How's that for a hawk's nest?" Tony grinned smugly as Thor set him down.

"Beats the hell outta hotels and SHIELD's lumpy old cots." the marksman replied. "I'll be able to see the whole city from there."

"Not like you need them, but I'm having a set of NASA-grade binoculars mounted on all of your windowsills." Tony added casually.

"Cool." Clint commented nonchalantly, all the while looking like he was trying very hard not to burst with glee.

"Anyway, Rogers, you're the next floor down. I figured the Captain would like to be right in the middle of the crew. And the bedroom freezer was, um, just a suggestion in case you felt like a really hardcore nap…" the philanthropist quickly deleted the glowing freezer image with a flick of his finger. Steve made a Stark-your-insensitivity-is-astounding face. "Next one's mine, right here by the main landing pad. Complete with a minibar open 24-7." Tony continued. Pepper and Phil rolled their eyes. Thor and Clint looked mightily enthusiastic.

Natasha's floor was next.

"A gun room _and _a walk-in closet? Not bad, Stark. Not bad at all." the Widow approved.

"The rotating shoe rack was my idea." Pepper contributed with a smile. Tash nodded appreciatively. Clint wanted to know why he didn't get a rotating shoe rack.

"And finally, located conveniently one floor above the lab, we have Mr. Banner. Just one flight of stairs up from all things genius, in case you ever feel like inventing a new element at 3am. And if you do, believe me - I understand."

"Tony, you have outdone yourself this time." Bruce sighed as though in an ecstatic daze.

"Why does he get the biggest floor?" Clint asked.

"_Gee, _Clint. What a _mystery_." Tasha rolled her eyes.

"The walls will all be quadruple-reinforced. The entire building is tornado-safe, fire-proof, earthquake-resistant, and quite-possibly Hulk-proof. Only time will tell for that one, I'm afraid." JARVIS spoke up. Bruce blushed.

"Did I mention the fully equipped lounge, kitchen, home theatre, and military-grade training rooms?" Tony added, pointing at the lower floors. Thor peered delightedly at the kitchen, presumably perusing for Pop Tarts. "And we haven't forgotten you, Agent. I put a permanent suite for you right here by the Quinjet hangar. In case you ever feel like sleeping over on your way back from Portland."

"That's thoughtful, Stark." Coulson replied, looking mildly impressed.

"I'm a people person." Tony grinned, sinking comfortably into his leather spinny chair and crossing his arms behind his head.

"You're _something_." Loki chipped in with a snarky scowl, reminding everyone of his presence and causing Clint to flinch mightily.

"Oh Killer, did you think we left you out? No, no. I was saving the best for last." Tony explained with the flourish of a successful car salesman. "You see this cozy little nook right there between the kitchen and the boiler room? That's you."

"That's the cold storage." Pepper corrected with a reproachful glare. Tony facepalmed.

"How appropriate." Loki rolled his eyes in a manner that was more exasperated than offended.

"Okay, you caught me. I developed these plans before you were an issue, and since you became handcuffed to our little family, I haven't exactly had time to fly over to the construction zone of my seventy-percent-complete building and tell them to slide an extra impenetrable high security floor in there, now have I?" The billionaire snapped back unpleasantly.

"_Tony_." Pepper groaned, smacking him lightly on the shoulder. "That was rude."

"Worry not for my feelings, Ma'am." Loki interjected with smooth unconcern. "I understand Mr. Stark's predicament. Cold storage sounds _lovely._"

"We'll make other arrangements, you don't have to live in the walk-in freezer!" Pepper protested.

"Yeah, Rogers might need to use it for naps." Clint cackled. Tony immediately cracked up along with him. Steve's only reaction was to raise one neat blond eyebrow in mild irritation.

"You really don't have to go to any great pains for me." Loki answered Pepper's statement.

"Mayhaps he could share my quarters." Thor interrupted loudly before Pepper could formulate a reply. Loki's expression of shock rivalled the moment where he realized Natasha's surreptitious intentions the day she outsmarted him on the helicarrier.

"_What_?" the trickster blurted out, for once lacking silky deception in his voice.

"You heard me…" Thor muttered awkwardly, shuffling his large feet. "We could share chambers, as we did in our youth. That is, if there is no more suitable arrangement available…"

"You would tolerate my presence in your quarters?" Loki inquired skeptically.

"I fail to see why not." Thor shrugged. "Providing you do not stab me again. That rather stung."

"And providing your organizational skills have improved since we were children, stabbing will not be necessary. I suppose that arrangement would suffice. Temporarily, of course." Loki answered after a moment of thought, shrewdly staring his brother down as though searching for signs of foul play. He seemed to detect none.

"Then it is settled." Thor concluded with a gruff nod. And then Loki did something unprecedented. He smiled. Not his usual convoluted I-put-spiders-in-your-cappucino smile. An actual genuine almost-grin. He actually looked… _happy_. And not at someone else's expense.

However, this was lost on everyone except Pepper and Phil- they exchanged a look before their attention was diverted by Tony loudly slamming his hands down on the table and yelling euphorically:

"I FIGURED IT OUT."

"You need to not do that." Bruce muttered, rubbing his assaulted eardrums.

"I figured out the perfect gift for Patchy the Pirate." Tony persisted. "_THIS!" _

"You look like you're pointing at Avengers Tower." Natasha replied with notable skepticism.

"I _am_. Don't you see? We're gonna give it to Fury for his birthday."

"I think it's past your bedtime, Tony… you've officially cracked." said Pepper, raising her eyebrows.

"Think this through." Tony shot back with forced patience. "SHIELD needs us, no? Fury said it himself. And _we _need proper facilities."

"So Avengers Tower is going to be a division of SHIELD? I thought you weren't a joiner." Phil queried.

"The Avengers are a completely private organization. We work _with_ SHIELD when it's necessary." Tony clarified. "SHIELD does, however, get a designated in Avengers Tower. I'm still debating whether or not aforementioned room will get a vending machine."

"So Fury's birthday gift went from sleep mask to multimillion dollar skyscraper. I don't think I've seen anything escalate so quickly since the last bunch of SHIELD interns wiped Supernanny off the TiVo. That was a bad day for everyone." Clint contributed.

"It's a win-win-win situation. You all get an actual home. I get you out of my house. And Fury gets the Avengers, all wrapped up in a neat little concrete-and-plexiglass package with a big A on top." Tony concluded with a glowing billionaire smile. "And by 'gets us' I mean on weekends and alternate wednesdays or whenever we have time."

"Hear, hear! Our quandary has been resolved! Clever strategization, Son of Stark." Thor boomed, sweeping Tony up in a bone crushing hug. "I am honoured you consider us worthy of such a grand fortress. I mightily anticipate the fun that shall be had when we are all living together in our most noble tower."

Tony mumbled something indecipherable; his face was squashed tightly against Thor's shoulder.

"Pray thee say that again, my friend." Thor instructed, holding Tony at arms length.

"I said, _you guys _are gonna be living in Avengers Tower. Not me."

"What?!" Steve yelped, flabbergasted.

"Why the hell not?" Clint demanded indignantly.

"Because that would entirely defeat the purpose of moving you all out of my house."

"Do you think you're _that _much better than us?" asked Natasha shrewdly.

"Is that rhetorical?" Tony countered rather apprehensively.

"So this whole time you've been planning on shipping us off and going back to your scheduled career of womanizing, drinking, and running your precious corporation and only being an Avenger on weekends and alternate wednesdays?" Bruce commented snidely.

"Wow, Bruce. That was unnecessarily bitter. Someone get the man a coffee?" Tony frowned.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY, TONY! AND I DON'T LIKE COFFEE."

"Friend Stark, I have not felt so betrayed since the pizza disaster of last week." Thor announced.

"Come on, Point Break. This isn't as bad as anchovies. Try to understand where I'm coming from."

"Indeed, Thor. At least he's not banishing you to another realm." Loki smirked.

"Thank you, Loki!"

"He's simply banishing you to the other side of town because he can no longer tolerate you shedding your golden locks all over his furniture and devouring appalling quantities his food." Loki continued politely. Thor went pale.

"Thank you, Loki..." Tony repeated, this time lacking sincerity.

"Maybe you should go sleep on this. Think it through a little more." Pepper urged hopefully.

"There's nothing to think through, like I've been telling you all week, I simply can no longer put up with-"

"RRRRRAAAWWRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH HHHHH!"

Smash. Crash. Boom.

"There goes Banner." Coulson commentated mildly.

"GOD, STARK. ARE YA HAPPY NOW? YOU BROUGHT THE HULK OUT." Clint howled furiously as a big green Bruce propelled himself out the plate glass window and took off down the beach without a backwards glance.

"NO, I AM NOT HAPPY. THAT WAS A BRAND NEW WINDOW." Tony hollered back.

"YOU ARE AN INCONSIDERATE EGOTISTICAL BASTARD!" was Clint's comeback.

"TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW, YOU UNCREATIVE NEANDERTHAL." Tony taunted.

"Guys!" Cap interjected angrily. "Enough. Break it up."

"HE STARTED IT." Clint and Tony roared in unison.

"I don't care who started it. Off to bed with both of you." Pepper added.

"BUT PEPPER-" Tony screeched, only to be cut off.

"GO. Don't make me start counting."

Clint hustled off to his room after one final glare in Tony's direction.

Tony grinned, blew kisses in return, then swept dramatically out of the room.

Natasha sighed boredly, mumbled something about going to catch up on _Grey's Anatomy_, and exited as well.

Pepper, Phil, and Steve hurried off to search for Bruce.

That left Loki and Thor sitting across from each other.

"You know, brother. When we move into our new room, I propose we obtain a popcorn machine. I think unlimited supplies of popcorn would come in very handy."

"Why is that?" Thor mumbled warily.

"For situations just like that."

* * *

Oooooo Tony you've done it now.

I hope I update soon but no promises. Come harass me on Tumblr and Twitter, links on profile. Because when someone tells me to write, I actually do, even if it's just a little bit. HELLLPPPPP MEEEE.

See you soon :]

RXP


	10. Nick Fury doesn't see how that's a party

Sorry guys

* * *

_**Nick Fury doesn't see how that's a party**_

* * *

_Saturday Morning, _

_10 am_

_Party time: T-12 hours_

Tony was no stranger to being in the metaphorical doghouse. In fact, it was his second home. Usually this came as a result of ticking off Pepper by doing anything from showing up to board meetings in jeans, a t-shirt and a hangover, or ditching said board meetings altogether, or using the priceless art collection as target practice, or buying things like pretzel stands, or - you get the idea. Tony is in the doghouse a lot.

But getting silent treatment from the other 5 Avengers (Well, except Steve because he's _Steve_) was an entirely new level of ostracization, even for Tony.

"Oh, now we're good enough to hang out with?" Clint broke the silence disdainfully as Tony stalked into the kitchen early on Saturday morning.

Needless to say, no one had taken very kindly to Tony's announcement that he had no intention of living in Avengers tower full time.

"Lighten up, Angry Bird. I already have a house, in case you failed to notice." Tony grumbled as he poured himself a coffee. "It's nothing personal."

But a quick glance around the table revealed that this new development had been taken _very_ personally. Thor was staring at him with disconcerting rage as he brutally sawed at the waffle on his plate. Bruce (having returned to normal size at the wee hours of the morning with much coaxing from Pepper and no shortage of bribery on Coulson's behalf) was peering reproachfully over his glasses. Natasha, well she looked more or less as amused as she always did. Clint had his arms crossed vengefully above his Cheerios. And Steve looked like someone had just punched his metaphorical puppy.

"Is this for real?" Tony snarked irritably. "You're all acting like I just committed murder."

"A murderous act has indeed been committed, Stark." Thor rumbled forebodingly. "And the victim is our brotherhood."

"What, I'm just plain Stark now? Not _Friend_ Stark? You're Point Breakin' my heart."

The joke fell flatter than the faces of those sitting around the table.

"No? Not funny? Okay then. You can find your own ride to the Helicarrier tonight, bitches." Tony concluded in a Regina George-ish manner while getting up and exiting the room, pausing only to grab his coffee.

"Is he allowed to use that word?" Bruce mumbled.

"No. No he is not." Pepper replied boredly.

###

_Saturday evening, _

_9pm_

_Party time: T-1 hours_

It had been no easy feat, but Pepper Potts had almost single-handedly prepared the wayward posse for a night of merrymaking _and _assisted/directed the preparations of a birthday celebration fit for "Dr Furry", as it said on the cake (which was currently being operated on by Bruce). Phil had successfully got Fury off the Helicarrier for the early evening; having organized a debrief with Fury's absolute favourite people in the world… the security council. (He sincerely hoped that tonight's festivity would be well worth enduring all the one-eyed glares across the table). Unfortunately, the council had gotten the memo that today was a special day, and had engaged in a very dry rendition of "Happy Birthday Dear Nicholas". Much to Fury's nauseation.

So anyway, that was that and Pepper and Natasha were free to decorate the boardroom with the assembly of decorations Clint and Thor had procured. Along with a few additions she'd borrowed from Tony's house, of course. Such as potted palm trees in every corner and the collapsible cabana under which drinks would be served. There was a sign that read "Luau" which would point at the grass-skirted table bearing the sushi buffet, snacks, and hopefully the cake if Bruce was able to turn the icing from an awkward bird-shark-thing into a SHIELD logo.

In hindsight, maybe it would have been better if they'd just made and decorated the cake themselves

But in further hindsight, she knew Tony and Thor's collective history with the oven and _yeah better not._

As for the present, Tony would get up on the grass-skirted podium thing and fire up a musical powerpoint that would take the audience on a virtual tour of Avengers Tower. She had to hand it to the man; only a true genius would be able to take a personal project like Avengers Tower and spin it so it could appear as a birthday present for someone who didn't even get his own floor in the damn place. And speaking of getting their own floors in the damn place, Nobody had seen Tony since that morning. The rest of the Avengers were still sulking over the fact that they had been "relocated" as Tony called it. It wasn't that they didn't like the building, Pepper had come to realize through a few heart-to-heart conversations with various team members. They hadn't taken well to the fact that Tony thought himself so "above" them that he was unwilling to coexist with his fellow team mates.

Pepper thought the situation was a massive fustercluck. Phil was of the opinion that they'd get bored and get over it if left long enough. Natasha was remaining relatively neutral in the situation and figured it was nothing a few vodka shots and casual fistfights couldn't resolve.

Either way, tonight was going to be more than mildly interesting.

The rest of the hour crept by, and guests began to arrive. The Helicarrier staff and other miscellanious SHIELD workers began to file in at 10 on the dot. The memo had noted work clothes were acceptable to wear to this celebration and apparently that applied to everybody; apparently not excluding the Avengers. Pepper reflected that possibly she should have spent less time decorating the room and more time dressing them. Particularly Thor who arrived in full armour; Mjolnir encrusted with brightly coloured stickers and a party hat on both of the wings of his helmet. Loki's helmet had been festooned with streamers and had several balloons tied to the horns; and the way he kept irritably looking up at them suggested he was not responsible for the decor. Clint and Natasha looked generally the same as usual. Steve had washed and ironed his suit (proving considerably more adept with the iron than Thor), and was sporting a spangled party hat as well. Bruce was wearing a tuxedo with a Hulk-green tie. They needn't have worried about finding a ride, as Rhodey was more than willing to commandeer a Stark Industries helicopter for their use.

"MERRIEST OF BIRTHDAY FESTIVITIES TO ONE AND ALL UPON BEHALF OF THE ONE-EYED FURIOUS ONE!" Thor bellowed as he swept into the room. "WHERE IS THE MAN OF THE NIGHT?"

"He's not even here yet, killer. Take it down a notch." Bruce sighed, rubbing his assaulted eardrums - he'd been standing dangerously close to the thunder god.

"Late to his own party?" Clint questioned skeptically. "And he's always riding us about punctuality?"

"He doesn't know about this, remember? Coulson had him in a council meeting all evening. They should be on the way back right about now." Natasha clarified, grabbing a handful of chips. "Where's Stark by the way? Why isn't he here hogging the Doritos?"

"Who knows." Pepper sighed.

"Don't you keep track of that man's whereabouts for a living?" Steve asked.

"Not when I have to put together an entire surprise birthday party for the director of a top-secret national security organization because Barton completely dropped the ball. Tony's on his own today." the slender redhead shot back.

"He must have his phone turned off; my GPS can't track him." Bruce contributed.

"Or he got JARVIS to block it. He did that last time he fled a morning board meeting with a hangover. I stumbled upon him, literally, at his favourite donut shop 5 hours later. He was sleeping on the floor." said Pepper.

"Fury's here in 10 seconds." Natasha interjected sharply, looking up from the text she'd just received. By some miracle it only took 8 seconds to get everyone in the room passably hidden under a table or behind the palm trees. Then there was exactly 2 seconds of anxious silence, and the door opened.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DIRECTOR FURY!" everyone roared, more or less in synch. Mostly less. There was then a cacophony of applause, cheering, and noisemakers as almost all of SHIELD surged forwards to enscose the one-eyed man in a cloud of noise, hugs, and handshakes.

"MOTHERFUCKER!" the director hollered while flinching mightily, eye darting around the room in shock.

"Congratulations on your birth, Sir. I wish you you many returns." Steve was the first in line to shake his hand and salute. Not to be outdone, Thor galloped up behind him and pulled him into an aggressive embrace.

"WARMEST WISHES TO YOU ON THIS MOST JOYOUS DAY, MY DEAR FURIOUS ONE! MAY YOUR DAYS BE FILLED WITH SUNLIGHT, GLEE, AND ONLY THE MOST WONDERFUL OF FEASTS."

"Happy birthday, Director." Pepper, Natasha, Clint, Hill, Coulson, and Bruce chorused as Thor set Fury down.

"What the hell is this?" an extremely shellshocked Fury sputtered indignantly. "Don't you people have _jobs_?!"

"It was Barton's idea." Natasha commented offhandedly. The one-eyed man rounded on the Hawk.

"Is this your idea of a joke, Agent? Are you trying to be _… humorous?_ " he demanded.

Clint swapped a nervous glance with Steve and Bruce. Fury continued his tirade:

"Cause if this shit is real, you got about 3 seconds to make me laugh before I find a batch of new Avengers and throw all y'all out on your asses!"

"He's exactly as enthusiastic about this as I expected." Maria Hill muttered to Pepper. Meanwhile, Clint had nothing. All seemed lost.

Then, from out of absolutely nowhere, there came a tremendous _THUNK _as something collided with the window at a very high speed. Everyone did a double-take just in time to see something large and red bounce off the plate glass .

"That wasn't a bird." Steve noted dryly as they observed the object spiral away in a trail of sparks.

"That definitely wasn't a plane." Rhodey confirmed, raising his hands to his face in a dramatic double-facepalm.

"WAS THAT STARK?" Fury roared, rushing to the window to investigate. "Son of a bitch, did Tony Stark just smack his face right into my damn window? Like a _motherfuckin'_ _dumbass_ _bird?_!"

And then the miracle of the century occurred; Nick Fury laughed. Like, doubled over and straight-up _guffawed._

"What just happened?" Bruce mumbled.

"I don't know, but I don't think we're fired." Clint contributed.

"You still probably are." Natasha pointed out.

Then the P.A. came to life and an extremely slurred version of a familiar voice filled the helicarrier.

"Jarv did… did you hack the thing? Two-way feed? Oh… Ok. I'm live. They can hear me. Fuck. Ok. Hi. Pep… Pepper, I-I had… I had an oops."

Pepper managed to retain a look of utter professionalism as she replied "Yes, yes you did."

There was silence on the line for a moment, then: "I… thought it was a door."

"It was a window, Tony."

"Well I know that _now_!"

"I see."

"Pepper?"

"Yes, Tony?"

"I have to tell you a secret."

"What?"

"I was going to give Patchy that really nice bottle of Moldovian vodka I had in the garage but then I drank it. Do you think I should tell him or would that be tacky?"

Over by the snack table, Nicholas Fury massaged his temples and demanded migraine medication STAT, while muttering words like "typical" and "godfuckingdammit" and "Stark".

"You just did, Tony." Pepper sighed.

"Oh. Well then. Sorry Patchy."

"We'll yell at you later. Where are you?"

"Uhhh, well autopilot kicked in when JARVIS got whiny because I had too much blood in my alcohol system… so I have zero control over my suit functions and I am now floating out over the Pacific ocean. It's not all bad news, though. I saw one of those endangered whales."

"I'll hack the system and re-set your flight pattern. Give me your access codes." Rhodes interjected.

"Shit. Okay. Fine. Username is kingstark111 and password is longlivethegoldenavenger. That's one word, no spaces, no caps. And don't laugh. Your codes are always lamer by the way. Just saying."

"Yeah, okay Tony… Hang tight. I'm rebooting you now and switching your flight plan so you don't have any more… adventures."

"Could I get a detour to McDonalds' with that?"

"Rhodes out. See you in 5." Rhodey disconnected the P.A. with a long-suffering grimace.

"Is that what we're calling them now? Adventures?" Loki queried after a period of silence.

"I have _different_ words for Tony mishaps, but I don't feel comfortable using them in front of superiors at birthday parties." Rhodey answered stiffly, gesturing to Fury who was currently being served a party tray of sushi by Coulson.

"So this bundle of seafood is ensconced with aqueous plants _and _rice?" Thor was investigating the sushi as closely as if he were checking for poison. "What art form is this?!"

"It's a spicy dynamite roll. Handmade by Mac's finest." Natasha confirmed.

"And free because I outed the fact that his legal name is _not _Mac. You're welcome." Loki added with a smirk.

"They took you to the damn _mall_?!" Fury rounded on Loki in horror. "What the hell happened to house arrest?!"

"_Do_ put your eye back in its socket, Nicholas. Had I not been present, your precious God of Thunder would still be in the custody of Malibu's finest mall security guards. I made no attempt to evade your squad of glorified babysitters." the Trickster explained airily. Fury gripped his sushi roll so hard a piece of crab ricocheted off the ceiling.

"Let's cut the cake." Pepper suggested hurriedly before Fury could interrogate Thor about the circumstances of his encounter with mall security.

"What's this supposed to be? It looks like a cracked-out butterfly." the Director scoffed as he observed the makeshift SHIELD cake Clint set on the table.

"It's your SHIELD logo." Bruce grumbled. "And it took me an hour."

"_Oh._ Very well executed, Dr. Banner. Great likeness." Hill contributed, not missing the tinge of green creeping into Bruce's visage.

"As for candles, we know a great man never reveals his age, so we've decided to give everybody a sparkler instead, _and _enjoy some fireworks!" Clint announced.

"WE HAVE?!" Pepper and Phil yelped.

"Clint, I don't think you cleared this idea…" Natasha muttered as the Hawk proceeded to crack open a massive box of party sparklers and hollered "HELP YOURSELF!"

Mass chaos ensued as the entire staff of SHIELD simultaneously abandoned all traces of professionalism and rampaged across the room to claim a sparkler.

"Relax. The fireworks are just specialized arrows. We're cruising at a low altitude; I'm just gonna open a window and shoot 'em out. No bigs." Clint shrugged, lighting his own sparkler and swishing it about merrily. "What are you looking at me like that for?!" He added, noticing Pepper and Natasha's identical expressions of smouldering irritation pointing in his direction. "I was supposed to be in charge of this party anyway, now I throw in some Clint Barton magic and I get the _glare_?"

"You were _supposed _to take care of the shitty jobs that actually matter. Like napkins. And cleanup." Natasha's glare did not waver.

Clint looked apologetic for a moment, but he proved unable to retain a serious expression and proceeded to leap over the table with a whoop of "Bye, Nat! Enjoy the show!" He beelined over to the window and in no time at all he was lighting up the sky with a series of fireworks that would rival the most extravagant of national holidays. The sparkler-brandishing partygoers crowded around the window, oohing and ahhing in delight- with the occasional shout of alarm when a wayward sparkler would accidentally poke one's eye or other orifice. Steve and Bruce smiled fondly at the display. Thor was utterly transfixed. Loki watched the show with an expression of mild interest, occasionally darting an eye in Thor's direction, almost as if inspired by his brother's earnest fascination. Fury's face retained a level of tenseness that suggested heart palpatations and skyrocketing blood pressure, but his exposed eyeball looked wide with wonder rather than stress, even as the crowd broke into a chorus of "Happy Birthday To You".

_Fireworks, _right? Go figure.

When Clint used up his last arrow, there was a cacophony of applause unlike any that had been heard within the walls of the helicarrier since the day Tony hauled the nuke through the wormhole and hurtled back to earth again. Fury even allowed himself a moment of applause. It was good. Then the raucous applause faded, and eventually all that remained was a figure standing in the back of the room performing the most smoothly sarcastic slow clap anyone had ever heard.

"Oh jeezus." Pepper mumbled, face palming for the umpteenth time that day.

"How even… nevermind." Bruce sighed.

Tony Stark, dressed in a sharp tuxedo with a crimson tie and slightly tousled hair, was standing at the other end of the room holding a glowing tablet and standing in front of a projector screen.

"Friend Stark! Welcome to the feast!" Thor bellowed, waving a handful of Doritos.

"Shh, you. We're mad at him, remember?" Clint hissed, smacking Thor rather ineffectively on the arm.

"If it isn't my walking migraine." Fury muttered irritably, all wonderment gone from his face.

"_Flying_ migraine." Tony lipped. "Anyway. Happy birthday, Saint Nick. Take a seat and prepare to be amazed. Agent, get the man another slice of cake, would you please?"

"Stark, I sometimes feel like you forget I carry a taser." Coulson mentioned with an expression of thin patience.

"Whatever this is, get the hell on with it!" Fury interrupted loudly.

"Keep your patch on, birthday boy. Jarvis, kill the lights."

"Is he not wasted right now?" Bruce inquired curiously.

"Out of his mind." Rhodey confirmed in an undertone. "I just let him in through the main hatchway on the roof, he had a seagull with him and said it was dinner."

"Rhodes, put a sock in it. The big gun is talking." Tony chided with a lopsided grin. "Anyway. Gentlemen. Ladies. Allow me to present to you… JARVIS! FUCK! I told you not to use Comic Sans. Arrrgghhh… Okay. Whatever. It's fine."

Indeed, _Happy Birthday Director Fury _was currently emblazoned across the projector screen in as much glory as Comic Sans could offer.

"God, what an embarrassment. Next slide please, J. Thanks. Now Director, I present to you a question: _Does a modern national security agency director ever find himself struggling with storage problems? I.e, where exactly to stash those wayward superheroes when they aren't out defending the public against whatever?" _*To be read in comic sans*.

"Where are you going with this, Stark?"

"On to my next question. _Do you truly believe it's a fair practice for one's home to be forcibly subletted for government usages that include the likes of maximum security imprisonment?" _

"Stark, I'm gonna count to three."

"Bear with me, Patchy. Last question. This one's my favourite. _What's 800 feet high with 50 floors, carbonated-iron-reinforced walls, fully climate controlled, and 100% Avengers-proof?" _

"Not my brain. Or my sanity. And that is the extent of my knowledge." Fury growled. "Now you've got one minute to tell me what the hell this is before I take a page outta Loki's book and toss you out the damn window!"

"Sixty seconds, okay. Jarvis, time me. It's Avengers Tower I'm building it right now and they're all gonna live there because my house cannot take it they're maniacs and they don't put anything in the dishwasher like seriously how hard is that it doesn't even count as doing dishes and I simply can't run a company and protect Thor from the vacuum it's just not possible and I'm getting grey hairs and I know I'll age gracefully because I'm me but we don't wanna rush the process I mean seriously and I'm kind of basically in a somewhat stable relationship and the Hulkouts in my house may are cramping my style no offence Bruce and also don't get me started on the food bills I'm getting truly worried about the nation's supply of PopTarts at the rate we run through them so anyway that brings me to Avengers Tower it's gonna be property of Stark Industries cause the Avengers are a private organization however SHIELD will get a designated quintet hangar and a briefing room probably with a vending machine in return for monthly funding substantial to cover hydro fees and at least half Thor's food bill but I mean it's still like your birthday present because think how easy that'll make your life when Loki's in actual maximum security instead of my poor house and you have all the Avengers at the ready 24/7 in a state of the art facility like I mean it doesn't get much better-"

"That would be sixty seconds, sir." Jarvis noted.

Fury blinked several times. Tony took a seat across from him and rested his face on his hands while peering back at Fury through those goddamned drunken-anime-puppydog eyes.

"Sir, I promise you I am in no way associated with this." Phil Coulson commented without making eye contact.

"Nor I." Natasha added. Tony shot her a peevish glare.

"This idea sucks." Clint commented.

"He's only saying that cause he's mad at Tony. He's all for it." Steve outed the Hawk, receiving a poke in the back from one of Clint's arrows in return.

"I didn't really get behind the idea at first, but it has its merits, right?" Bruce suggested almost hopefully.

"This endeavour has the support and blessing of Thor Odinson. Friend Stark has promised me a vending machine to call my very own."

"Thor, we're supposed to be _mad at him!_" Clint screeched indignantly. His complaint went ignored.

"As long as I don't have to live in the walk-in freezer, I'm all for it. If anyone cares." Loki shrugged. "As long as maximum security has wifi and scones."

"Welllllll, Nicholas?" Tony spared Fury his absolute most saccharine-laced grin, complete with an intoxicated version of his usual anime-puppydog eyes.

"Stark, all I got out of that spiel was PopTart shortage and something about a vending machine. Do whatever the hell you want, on one condition: _never _celebrate my birthday. Ever. Again."

And the birthday boy then proceeded to stalk irritably away to his office, only to be lured out an hour later by Pepper and Phil when it was time to break the piñata. They revealed that they'd presented him with his customized sleep mask and he'd been absolutely ecstatic about it. He insisted the official story was that he'd had the abominable thing incinerated, but it soon became common knowledge that he wore it on a nightly basis and stored it carefully in a safe when it was not in use.

The party went down in history as the first, last, and still somehow the _best _celebration to ever be held on the helicarrier at an altitude of 7000 feet. As the night progressed, Thor revealed his flask of Asgardian mead, powerful enough to turn any drink into 90 proof with a single drop. This caused several more facts to come to light: Asgardian mead can get Supersoldiers gloriously intoxicated. It can also cause agents to break out in spectacular dance moves. Such as the worm. It even gives archers the power to sing passable opera while doing handstands on 1.3 million dollar computer monitors. (These are just several examples. For more, refer to Phil Coulson's camera phone).

Nicholas Fury did indeed survive the night, and went on to write in each of the Avengers' individual files to _"please, refrain from ever bringing a party anywhere ever again."_

* * *

Sorry sorry sorry I'm so sorry I have literally run out of excuses for not updating... I just... don't.

Idk when I'll update again but please review and follow me at flawlessstark dot tumblr dot com and askbox me motivation or inspiration or someshit idk

Also sorry to those of you who got excited and then massively disappointed by the Christmas story I never finished aagh sorry ilu bbs don't leave me k

rxx


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